Leader Facilitation Notes: The Created Order of Your Life

This document is for leaders only — not for distribution to group members.

Purpose of This Resource

This session introduces foundational concepts that underlie all of Dr. Cloud's teaching. It's designed to help participants see the framework that connects everything: boundaries, relationships, character, growth. When people understand the "created order," they have a diagnostic tool for figuring out why things aren't working.

What success looks like for you as a leader:

• Participants leave understanding the six principles at a conceptual level
• At least some participants identify a specific area where they've been "reversing roles" with God
• The group experiences safety and honesty, not performance pressure
• People feel invited into self-reflection, not judged for where they are
• The session itself models principle 5 — a non-judgmental space where people can experience and explore

What success does NOT require:

• Everyone sharing deeply
• Anyone having a breakthrough moment
• You having perfect answers to questions
• Everyone agreeing with every point

Group Dynamics to Watch For

This content can surface several predictable dynamics. Here's what to expect and how to respond:

1. Defensiveness Around the "Obey the Rules" Principle

What it looks like: Someone pushes back with "I don't like rules" or "That sounds legalistic" or "I thought we were saved by grace, not works."

How to respond: This is a reasonable concern, especially for people with religious trauma or legalistic backgrounds. Clarify that the created order isn't about earning God's love — it's about understanding how life works. You can say: "This isn't about following rules to be loved. It's more like understanding that if you want to fly a plane, you have to work with the laws of physics. The created order describes how things work, not how to earn approval."

2. Shame Spirals Around Self-Judgment

What it looks like: Someone says something like, "I judge myself constantly — I'm so bad at this." Notice the irony: they're judging themselves for judging themselves.

How to respond: Gently name the pattern without making it a bigger deal. You might say: "Notice what just happened — you judged yourself for being judgmental. That's actually really common. The goal isn't to never have a judgmental thought; it's to notice it and let it go without adding more judgment on top."

3. Over-Disclosure or Trauma Dumping

What it looks like: When discussing control, dependence, or judgment, someone may launch into a detailed account of a traumatic relationship, abusive parent, or addiction history. The share is longer and more intense than the group context can hold.

How to respond:

• Let them finish their initial thought — don't cut them off mid-sentence
• Validate briefly: "Thank you for trusting us with that. That sounds really painful."
• Gently contain: "I want to make sure we give that the space it deserves. Can we connect after the group to talk more?"
• Redirect: "What you're describing connects to [the principle]. Does anyone else relate to that dynamic, even in smaller ways?"

4. Intellectualizing to Avoid Feeling

What it looks like: Someone turns every question into a theological debate or abstract discussion. They can explain the concepts brilliantly but deflect any personal application.

How to respond: Don't confront it directly — that often increases defensiveness. Instead, ask a more specific question: "That's a great insight. Where do you see that showing up in your actual life this week?" If they continue abstracting, let it go. They may need time.

5. Blaming Others

What it looks like: When discussing where God's principles have been violated, someone focuses entirely on how others violated principles against them: parents, spouse, church, etc.

How to respond: Don't dismiss their experience — violations done to us are real and matter. But gently invite ownership: "It sounds like you've been on the receiving end of some real violations. That's painful and valid. As we think about our own growth, is there anywhere you see yourself in the patterns too — even small ones?"

6. The "I've Got This Figured Out" Posture

What it looks like: Someone nods along knowingly, says things like "I've worked through this in therapy" or "I already practice this," and seems to position themselves as having graduated from the content.

How to respond: Don't challenge them. They may genuinely have worked on these areas. Simply invite curiosity: "That's great that you've done that work. Is there any angle on this that feels like a new edge for you, or somewhere the principles apply differently than you'd thought?"

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect (With Language)

Over-fixing: When someone shares a struggle and another member immediately offers solutions.

• "I appreciate the impulse to help. Let's make sure [name] feels heard first. [Name], is there more you want to share, or would input be helpful?"

Comparison or one-upping: "Well, at least you don't have to deal with..."

• "It sounds like you both have real struggles here. Let's make space for each story without comparing."

Spiritual bypassing: "Just pray about it and trust God."

• "Prayer is definitely part of this. And sometimes there are also steps we need to take alongside prayer. What might those look like?"

What NOT to Force

• Do not pressure people to share about their deepest struggles. The self-judgment discussion can touch deep pain. Make sharing inviting, not required.

• Do not require people to name specific people they've judged or tried to control. Keep application personal without demanding public confession.

• Do not push people to "surrender" things they're not ready to surrender. Surrender is a process. Acknowledge that letting go often happens in stages.

Remember Your Role

You are a facilitator, not a counselor. Your job is to:

• Create safety
• Guide conversation
• Ask good questions
• Gently redirect when needed
• Model non-judgment

Your job is NOT to:

• Fix anyone
• Have all the answers
• Ensure everyone has a breakthrough
• Diagnose what's really going on for someone

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"Depending on God means I shouldn't work hard."

Correction: "Dependence doesn't mean passivity. It means recognizing where life comes from while still doing your part. It's both/and — God provides the resources, we use them. That's principle 3."

"If I just surrender, everything will work out."

Correction: "Surrender gives you peace, but it doesn't guarantee outcomes. You might surrender your adult child's choices and still watch them make painful decisions. Surrender changes you; it doesn't necessarily change them."

"The created order means God's rules are the answer to everything."

Correction: "Understanding the rules is important, but the created order also includes relationship, grace, and non-judgment. Someone can follow all the rules and still be miserable if they're isolated, controlling, and constantly evaluating themselves."

"I need to stop judging myself — that's another thing I'm failing at."

Correction: "That's the trap of judgment — it keeps multiplying. The goal isn't to achieve perfect non-judgment. It's to notice judgment, release it gently, and return to experience. Again and again. It's a practice, not a destination."

"This means my feelings are bad because I shouldn't judge them."

Correction: "Not judging your feelings doesn't mean they're wrong to have. It means you can notice them without immediately criticizing yourself for having them. Feelings are information. Let them be there without evaluation."

When to Recommend Outside Support

This content can surface deep issues around control, shame, and self-judgment that exceed what a small group can address.

Signs someone may need more support:

• They describe constant, intense self-criticism that affects daily functioning
• They express hopelessness about ever changing
• They describe compulsive behaviors around control (checking, monitoring, ritualizing)
• They mention anxiety or depression symptoms
• They share about active addiction
• They hint at abusive relationships (current or recent past)
• They seem to be in crisis or significantly distressed after the session

How to have the conversation:

• Approach them privately after the session or reach out during the week
• Be warm and direct: "I appreciated what you shared in the group. It sounds like [self-judgment / control / this pattern] is really affecting your life. Have you ever considered talking to a counselor? Sometimes these patterns run deep enough that a professional can help you go further than a group setting allows."
• Normalize it: "A lot of people in our group work with counselors. It's not a sign of weakness — it's actually a way to get the kind of focused support this kind of work often needs."
• Offer to help: "Would it be helpful if I passed along a few names of counselors people in our church have found helpful?"

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Total session time: 60–90 minutes

If time is short:

• Skip the scenarios entirely
• Have people do only Exercise 1 in the session; send 2 and 3 home
• Focus discussion on questions 3, 6, 8, and 9

Where conversation tends to get stuck:

• The judgment/experience distinction often needs more time. People may struggle to see the difference between healthy evaluation and self-condemnation. Let the conversation breathe here.
• The control discussion can become lengthy if multiple people identify control patterns. This is good — don't shut it down unless it dominates the entire session.

How to move through stuck moments:

• "This is a rich topic — we could stay here all night. Let's make sure we cover the other principles too, but feel free to keep processing this during the week."
• "I want to hold space for this. Let's take one more comment and then move on, knowing we can come back to it."

Leader Encouragement

You don't need to have this all figured out. If you did, you'd be trying to play God's role.

Your job isn't to master the material — it's to create a space where people can wrestle with it honestly. Some of the best sessions happen when the leader says, "I'm not sure — let's sit with that."

The created order principles apply to you too, including principle 5: you're not supposed to be judging your own performance as a facilitator while you're facilitating. Just be present. Ask good questions. Listen. That's enough.

If the group goes somewhere unexpected, that's okay. If some of the discussion questions don't get used, that's okay. If someone cries or shares more than you expected, that's okay. You're not in control. That's the whole point.

Thank you for showing up and leading. The fact that you're preparing is a sign that you're taking your role seriously — not trying to play God, but being faithful with what you've been given.

That's principle 3. You're doing it.