Supporting Others Through Grief

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores how to be genuinely helpful when someone we care about is grieving. Most of us want to help but feel inadequate — we don't know what to say, we're afraid of making it worse, or we simply disappear because we don't know what to do.

Dr. Cloud teaches that supporting someone through grief doesn't require special training or perfect words. What it requires is presence, practical help, and the willingness to carry what the grieving person cannot carry alone.

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand the difference between trying to fix grief and being present in it
2. Identify common mistakes people make when trying to comfort the grieving
3. Learn practical ways to show up, stay present, and be genuinely helpful
4. Develop language for being with someone in pain without rushing to resolution

Teaching Summary

The Weight of Grief

Scripture tells us to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). The Greek word for "burden" here means something like a boulder — a weight too heavy for one person to carry. Just a few verses later, Scripture says "each one shall carry their own load" — and that word means something more like a daily knapsack, the normal weight of everyday life.

We're designed to carry our daily loads. But grief is a burden. It's too heavy. The grieving person cannot carry it alone, and they shouldn't have to. When we step in to help carry that burden, we're doing what Christ did — taking on what others cannot bear by themselves.

What Helping Actually Looks Like

When you're carrying someone across a ditch, they don't care what you're saying. They just need to know you're holding them up. That's what supporting someone through grief looks like — not solving, not explaining, not theologizing, just holding them up until they can walk again.

The best tool you have is empathy. Simple statements like "I can't imagine what you're feeling" or "I don't have words for this" or "I'm just here" do more than any advice or spiritual platitude. Empathy acknowledges pain without trying to make it disappear.

Common Mistakes

Most of us make grief support harder than it needs to be because we're uncomfortable with pain we can't fix:

• We try to make it better too fast. "They're in a better place." "Everything happens for a reason." These may be true, but they often feel dismissive in the early days.
• We minimize. "You're so strong." "It'll get easier." This tells them their pain is inconvenient.
• We disappear. When we don't know what to say, we often say nothing and stay away. The grieving person feels abandoned.
• We make it about us. We share our own losses, our advice, our theology — because we need to feel useful — instead of just being present.

What Actually Helps

Dr. Cloud tells a story about his mother's friend Emmett. When his mother faced the challenge of raising a temporarily disabled three-year-old, Emmett showed up. She took him to the YMCA every day. When his mother had to do hard things, she would call Emmett, cry, put the phone down, do the hard thing, then come back and cry some more. "That's how I made it through," his mother said. "Emmett."

Being an "Emmett" means:

• Presence over performance. Just be there. Call. Show up. Send a note.
• Practical help. Bring food. Do chores. Take the kids. Handle errands.
• Bridging to resources. Help connect them to counselors, grief groups, doctors — many grieving people can't make those calls themselves.
• Staying over time. Show up at week three, month two, year one. Remember the anniversary.
• Asking what they need. And then doing it. Sometimes it's "Sit with me." Sometimes it's "Help me cry."

When to Push

There's a time to simply hold space, and there's a time — after enough time has passed — to gently push. "It's been a while. Let's get you out. Come on, let's get coffee." Creating some normalcy doesn't suppress the grief process — it lets them know life still exists.

It Takes a Tribe

No one person can carry someone through grief alone. When Dr. Cloud's Navy SEAL brother-in-law was killed, "the SEALs showed up. They knocked on the door, and the community showed up." An army descended to take the load — not just from the widow, but from the whole grieving family. That's what communities do. That's what we can do.

Discussion Questions

1. What's your instinct when someone you know experiences a significant loss? Do you tend to reach out quickly, hang back, or something else? What drives that response?

2. Think about a time someone was really helpful to you during a hard season. What did they do or say that made a difference? What made their presence feel safe?

3. Have you ever avoided a grieving person because you didn't know what to say? What was that like? What do you wish you had done differently?

4. Dr. Cloud says the best thing you can say is often "I don't know what to say — I'm just here." Why do you think that's so hard for many of us? What makes us want to have answers?

5. What are some platitudes or "helpful" phrases that actually tend to make grief harder? Why do we say them? [Leader note: Examples might include "Everything happens for a reason," "They're in a better place," "God needed another angel," "At least you still have..."]

6. What's the difference between "bearing someone's burden" and "fixing their problem"? Why is that distinction important?

7. Dr. Cloud mentions that after enough time, there's a place for gently pushing someone who is stuck. How do you know when it's time for that? What makes the difference between helpful pushing and unhelpful pressure?

8. He also talks about "bridging" people to resources — counselors, grief groups, doctors. Why might a grieving person need help making those connections? What might that bridging look like practically?

9. What makes it hard to stay present with someone over time? Why do people tend to show up for the funeral but disappear by month two?

10. What would it look like for this group to be a community that knows how to support one another through grief? [Leader note: Allow silence here — this is a question worth sitting with.]

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: Your Grief Support Inventory

Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions privately:

Receiving Support:

• When have you experienced grief or significant loss?
• Who showed up for you? What did they do that helped?
• Who disappeared or said things that made it harder? (No need to name names — just notice the patterns.)
• What did you wish someone had done that no one did?

Giving Support:

• Think of a time you tried to support someone who was grieving.
• What did you do? How do you think it landed?
• Is there anything you wish you had done differently?
• Is there someone grieving right now that you've been avoiding or unsure how to help?

Exercise 2: What I Actually Have to Offer

Consider your own gifts, resources, and capacity. What could you realistically offer someone in grief?

What's hardest for you to offer? What comes most naturally?

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Coworker

Marcus's wife died suddenly three weeks ago. He's back at work but clearly struggling — distracted, withdrawn, often stepping out of meetings. You want to say something but don't know what. You've just passed him in the hallway.

Discussion Questions:

• What would you say? What would you not say?
• What are the risks of saying nothing at all?
• What might be helpful beyond words?

Scenario 2: The Long Grief

Your friend Denise lost her adult son to an overdose eighteen months ago. At first, your friend group rallied around her. But now everyone has moved on, and Denise is still deeply struggling. She's isolated, canceling plans, and seems to be getting worse, not better. Someone in the group says, "We've done what we can. She needs to see a professional."

Discussion Questions:

• What's valid about that perspective? What's missing?
• What might "bridging to resources" look like in this situation?
• What does long-term support look like when grief doesn't follow a timeline?

Scenario 3: The Awkward Theology

Your neighbor Jim lost his daughter in a car accident. At the funeral, several people said things like "God has a plan" and "She's in a better place now." Later, Jim tells you he's furious at God and doesn't know if he believes anymore. He asks you what you think.

Discussion Questions:

• What would you say? What would you avoid saying?
• How do you be present with someone whose grief includes spiritual crisis?
• What's the difference between being pastorally present and trying to fix someone's theology?

Practice Assignments

Assignment 1: Reach Out

Identify someone in your life who has experienced a significant loss within the past year — not necessarily a death, but any major loss (job, divorce, health, dream). Reach out to them this week with no agenda other than connection. A text: "I've been thinking about you. How are you doing?" A call. A note. See what happens.

Notice: How did it feel to reach out? How did they respond? What did you learn?

Assignment 2: The Memory Exercise

Think of someone in your life who has lost someone important. Mark the anniversary of that loss in your calendar (or the birthday of the person who died, or another significant date). Set a reminder to reach out on that day this year with a simple message: "I know this is a hard day. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."

This is often when grieving people feel most alone — everyone else has moved on, but they're still marking the loss.

Closing Reflection

Dr. Cloud tells about watching his Navy SEAL brother-in-law's community show up after his death. The SEALs came. The neighbors came. An army descended to carry what the family could not carry alone.

"You can do that for somebody," he says. "And it's not hard. You don't need a PhD."

Grief is a burden too heavy to carry alone. But the good news is that no one has to carry it alone — not if we show up. Not if we stay. Not if we're willing to say "I don't know what to say, but I'm here," and then actually be here.

That's what it means to bear one another's burdens. That's what it means to be the church.

Closing Prayer (Optional)

God, we know that grief is part of life in this broken world. We've experienced it ourselves, and we'll experience it again. Give us the courage to show up for those who are hurting — not with perfect words, but with faithful presence. Help us to be the kind of community that carries burdens together. Teach us to sit with pain without rushing to fix it. And in our own seasons of loss, surround us with people who are willing to do the same. Amen.