Supporting Others Through Grief

Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Do not distribute to group members.

Purpose of This Resource

This session teaches group members how to support others who are grieving. However, talking about grief — even from the angle of "how to help others" — often surfaces personal grief in the room. As a facilitator, you should be prepared for both: a practical conversation about supporting others AND the possibility that group members may need support themselves during or after this session.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session will leave participants feeling:

• Equipped with practical language and actions for supporting grieving people
• Less afraid of "saying the wrong thing" or being present with pain
• Connected to each other as people who can be this kind of community
• Aware of their own grief patterns (how they've received and given support)

You are not trying to:

• Make anyone cry or have a cathartic grief experience
• Process anyone's current grief in depth (this session is about helping others, not group grief therapy)
• Create pressure for people to share personal loss stories

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Grief Surfacing in the Room

Even though the session is framed as "supporting others," talking about grief almost always surfaces personal loss. Be prepared for:

• Someone who realizes they're still grieving something. The conversation may unlock unprocessed loss. If this happens, gently acknowledge it: "It sounds like this is touching something for you. That makes sense — we can't talk about grief without touching our own." You don't need to process it fully in the group; acknowledging it is often enough.

• Someone who is currently in active grief. If someone shares that they're currently walking through significant loss, don't ignore it, but also don't let the session become group therapy for that person. You might say: "I'm so glad you shared that. We want to be the kind of community that supports each other through this. Can we check in with you after the session about how we can be here for you?"

2. "Bad Things People Said to Me" Spiral

This session includes discussion about unhelpful things people say to grieving people. This can easily become a venting session where people list grievances about how others failed them. That has value, but it can take over.

How to redirect:

• "Those examples are helpful — we're building a picture of what not to do. Now let's flip it: what did work? What do we want to do instead?"
• "It's clear a lot of us have been hurt by well-meaning people who missed the mark. Let's use that to become better at this ourselves."

3. Guilt and Shame

Some participants may feel convicted about times they disappeared, said the wrong thing, or weren't there for someone. This is normal.

How to handle:

• Normalize it: "Most of us have gotten this wrong at some point. That's why we're here — to learn to do it better."
• Avoid piling on: Don't let the group shame people for past mistakes. The goal is growth, not guilt.
• Offer grace: "The good news is, it's rarely too late to show up. Even a late reach-out is better than none."

4. Advice-Giving Instead of Presence

The irony of this session is that it's about learning not to fix or advise — but some group members may try to fix or advise others during the discussion.

How to redirect:

• "Notice what just happened there — when [name] shared something vulnerable, our instinct was to solve it. That's the very thing we're trying to learn not to do. Let's practice just being present with what [name] said."

5. Over-Spiritualizing

Some participants may want to quickly move to spiritual answers: "Well, we just need to trust God" or "They're in a better place." This session acknowledges faith but emphasizes practical presence.

How to handle:

• "Those truths are real, but one of the points Dr. Cloud makes is that in the early days of grief, spiritual answers can feel like we're rushing past the pain. Sometimes faith looks like just sitting with someone."

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

What NOT to Force

• Don't pressure anyone to share personal losses.
• Don't require people to name specific people who failed them.
• Don't push for emotional breakthrough. Some people process internally.
• Don't imply that "real" participation requires crying or visible emotion.

Your Posture

You are a facilitator, not a therapist. Your job is to:

• Create a safe space for honest conversation
• Guide the discussion through the material
• Model non-anxious presence when hard things are shared
• Know when to hold space and when to move on

You are NOT responsible for:

• Healing anyone's grief
• Fixing anyone's relationships
• Making sure everyone has a breakthrough

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"So we should never say anything — just sit there?"

Correction: "It's not that words are bad. It's that presence matters more than perfect words. 'I don't know what to say, but I'm here' is a statement. The key is not rushing to fix or explain."

"My friend needed tough love — sometimes people need a push."

Correction: "Dr. Cloud does talk about gentle pushing after enough time has passed. But in the early days of grief, presence comes first. The question is: have you earned the relational equity to push? And is the timing right?"

"I'm not good at this stuff — some people are just naturally good at it."

Correction: "Most of this isn't personality — it's practice. Bringing a meal isn't a spiritual gift. Sending a text isn't a talent. These are choices anyone can make."

"Isn't this the family's responsibility?"

Correction: "Family is often grieving too. They may not have capacity. Extended community — friends, church, neighbors — are often exactly what's needed."

When to Recommend Outside Support

This session may surface situations that require more than group support. Watch for:

• Someone in active, complicated grief (death by suicide, violent death, death of a child, estrangement before death). These situations often need professional support.
• Someone whose grief is significantly impacting daily functioning (can't work, can't care for family, isolated for extended periods).
• Someone expressing hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm. This requires immediate, private follow-up.

Language for Recommending Professional Help

• "What you're walking through sounds really significant. Have you considered talking to a counselor who specializes in grief?"
• "A grief support group might be a helpful next step. Would it help if I found some options for you?"
• "This is a lot to carry. I wonder if some professional support would help you process this in a deeper way."

Do not diagnose. You can observe that someone seems to be struggling and suggest resources without labeling their experience.

Timing and Pacing Guidance

If Time Is Short

Prioritize these questions:

• Question 2 (a time someone was helpful to you)
• Question 4 (why "I don't know what to say" is hard)
• Question 10 (what it would look like for this group to support each other)

Cut if needed:

• Real-life scenarios (can be assigned for individual reflection)
• Personal reflection exercises (can be done at home)

Where to Expect Getting Stuck

• After question 2 or 3: People may want to tell long stories. Let one or two share, then summarize: "We're hearing that presence matters. Small things made a big difference."
• During scenarios: People may want to debate the "right" answer. There isn't one. Explore multiple perspectives and move on.

Leader Encouragement

Leading a session on grief support can feel heavy, especially if you're carrying grief yourself or if group members become emotional. A few things to remember:

You don't have to have all the answers. The session itself is about learning that presence matters more than expertise. Model that as a leader.

Your job is to facilitate, not fix. If someone surfaces deep grief, you don't have to process it all in the group. Acknowledge it, offer follow-up, and keep moving.

Take care of yourself afterward. Talking about grief for ninety minutes can be draining. Give yourself time to decompress.

This is sacred work. Equipping people to bear one another's burdens is core to what the church is supposed to be. You're helping your group become more human and more Christlike.

After the Session

Consider:

• Following up with anyone who surfaced significant personal grief
• Connecting anyone who needs it with pastoral care or professional resources
• Checking in with the group in two weeks to ask: "Did anyone try the practice assignments? What happened?"

This session works best when it leads to real action. Help your group take the next step.