Supporting Others Through Grief

How to Be Present When Someone You Love Is Hurting

Overview

One of the most meaningful things you'll ever do is help somebody go through grief. It's also one of the hardest. When someone you care about loses a spouse, a parent, a child, a job, a marriage, or a dream — you want to help. But most of us feel completely inadequate. We don't know what to say. We're afraid of making it worse. We feel helpless in the face of someone else's pain.

Here's what Dr. Cloud wants you to know: you don't need special training or the perfect words. The grieving person needs your presence more than your advice. They need someone willing to carry what they cannot carry alone — not to fix it, not to explain it, but to be with them in it.

Scripture puts it simply: "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). What did Christ do? He took on burdens we couldn't bear ourselves. That's the model. And that's what you can offer someone who is grieving.

What Usually Goes Wrong

When someone is grieving, most of us panic. We feel uncomfortable with pain we can't fix, so we do things that feel helpful to us but actually make it harder for the grieving person:

We try to make it better. We offer platitudes: "They're in a better place now." "Everything happens for a reason." "At least you had those years together." These may be true, but in the early days of grief, they feel dismissive. They signal that we want the person to feel better so we can feel less uncomfortable.

We minimize the pain. "It'll get easier." "Stay strong." "You're handling this so well." These phrases, however well-intentioned, tell the grieving person that their pain is a problem to be managed rather than a reality to be acknowledged.

We disappear because we don't know what to do. The discomfort of not having answers leads many people to simply avoid the grieving person. They don't call. They don't show up. And the grieving person feels abandoned when they need people most.

We push them to move on too quickly. Grief doesn't follow a schedule. When we hint that someone should be "getting better by now," we force them to perform recovery rather than actually heal.

We make it about us. Sometimes we share our own losses, our own advice, our own theology — not because they need it, but because we need to feel useful. The focus shifts from them to us.

What Health Looks Like

A healthy support presence looks like someone who:

• Shows up without an agenda. They're not there to fix, teach, or change anything. They're just there.
• Sits with the pain without trying to resolve it. They can tolerate the discomfort of someone else's grief without rushing to make it stop.
• Offers presence over performance. They don't need to say brilliant things. "I don't know what to say, but I'm here" is often the most helpful thing you can say.
• Takes practical action. They bring food, do chores, drive kids, handle errands — they pick up the pieces of daily life that the grieving person can't manage.
• Stays over time. They don't just show up for the funeral. They call in week three, month two, year one. They remember the anniversary.
• Connects people to resources. They help bridge the gap between the grieving person and professional support — counselors, grief groups, doctors — when needed.
• Knows when to gently push. After enough time, they can lovingly say, "It's been a while. Let's get coffee. Let's get you out." They create normalcy without suppressing the grief process.

Key Principles

1. You're carrying them across a ditch, not solving a problem. When you're carrying someone, they don't care what you're saying. They just want to know you're holding them up until they get to the other side. Your presence matters more than your words.

2. Empathy is your best tool. The most helpful thing you can say is something like: "I can't imagine what you're feeling." "I don't have words for this." "I'm so sorry." Empathy acknowledges their pain without trying to explain it away.

3. Few words, much presence. Don't try to fill the silence with theology or advice. Come with few words: "I'm sorry. I'm with you. I don't know what to say. I'm just here." Then actually be there.

4. Grief is too heavy to carry alone. The Bible uses two different words for what we carry. A "burden" is like a boulder — too heavy for one person. A "load" is like a daily knapsack — manageable. Grief is a burden. It requires help. That's why bearing one another's burdens fulfills the law of Christ.

5. Don't be afraid to bring it up. The grieving person knows they're grieving. It won't hurt more to mention it. In fact, it often feels better to know that you know. "I've been thinking about you. How are you doing with everything?"

6. Practical help matters. Ask: "What do you need?" And listen to the answer. Sometimes it's "Sit with me while I watch a movie." Sometimes it's "Can you take my kids for a day?" Sometimes it's "I need someone to cry with." Then do what they ask.

7. Be a bridge to resources. You don't have to provide everything. But you can help connect them to what they need: a grief group, a counselor, a doctor, their community. Many grieving people are too immobilized to make those calls. Help them get there.

8. It takes a tribe. No one person can carry someone through grief alone. Organize a team if needed. Coordinate who's bringing food, who's handling which days. Surround them with an army of care.

Practical Application

This week:

1. Reach out to someone grieving. A text, a call, a note. Don't wait until you have the perfect thing to say. "Just thinking about you" is enough.

2. Show up without an agenda. Offer to sit with them. Bring food. Don't expect conversation. Let them lead.

3. Ask the question: "What do you need?" Then follow through on whatever they say.

4. Don't disappear after the first wave. Mark your calendar for one month, three months, six months, one year. Check in at each milestone.

5. Help bridge to resources. If they mention struggling to sleep, offer to help find a counselor. If they mention feeling stuck, suggest a grief group. Make the call with them if they can't do it alone.

Common Questions & Misconceptions

"I don't know what to say — shouldn't I wait until I do?" No. "I don't know what to say" is actually one of the best things you can say. It's honest. It acknowledges that some pain has no words. Show up anyway.

"Won't bringing it up make them feel worse?" They're already feeling it. Mentioning their loss signals that you haven't forgotten, that you're willing to enter the hard space with them. That usually feels like relief, not additional pain.

"Isn't it their family's job to support them?" Family is often grieving too. They may not have the capacity to support each other well. Extended community matters — friends, church, neighbors. You may be exactly what they need precisely because you're not family.

"How long should I keep checking in?" Longer than you think. Grief doesn't end after the funeral, or after a month, or even after a year. The first anniversary of a death, the first birthday without them, the first holiday — these are all moments when a check-in matters.

"What if I say the wrong thing?" You might. And if you do, it's okay. Apologize, learn, and keep showing up. The grieving person would rather have an imperfect friend who's present than a perfect friend who disappears.

"What about spiritual encouragement?" Be careful here. Verses and theology can be helpful later, but in the early days, they can feel like you're trying to skip to the resolution. Let them lead. If they want to talk about God's comfort, follow them there. If not, just be present.

Closing Encouragement

You may feel inadequate for this. Most people do. But here's the truth: you don't need a PhD or special training to do the most important parts of grief support. You just need to show up, stay present, say "I'm here," and actually be here.

The ministry of presence is one of the most profound gifts you can give another human being. When someone is drowning in grief, you don't need to solve the flood. You just need to wade in and stand with them until the waters recede.

That's how you save somebody's life. Not with perfect words, but with faithful presence. So go. Call. Show up. And stay.