Recognizing and Responding to Emotional Abuse

Small Group Workbook

Important Safety Information If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores emotional abuse — how to recognize it, understand how it works, and develop practical tools for protection and healing. This is a sensitive topic that touches real pain. We'll create space for honest conversation while maintaining appropriate boundaries about what a group setting can hold.

By the end of this session, participants will:

Be able to identify the four key patterns of emotional abuse
Understand how abuse affects mood, behavior, thinking, and hope
Know the difference between being a "partner" in abuse and being at fault for abuse
Have a framework for beginning to respond: awareness, alliances, and action
Know when and how to seek professional help

Important Note

This session is not designed to tell anyone whether to stay in or leave a relationship. That's a complex, personal decision that requires professional support. Our goal is clarity, support, and practical tools.

Group Guidelines for This Session

These should be read aloud at the start of the session.

Today's topic may bring up strong emotions for some of us. To keep this space safe:

Confidentiality is essential. What's shared here stays here. This is especially important with this topic.
Share at your comfort level. You don't need to share details you're not ready to share. You can participate by listening.
We're not here to give advice. Especially with this topic, resist the urge to tell someone what they should do. Listen and support.
Respect complexity. Situations involving abuse are rarely simple. Avoid judging others' choices or timelines.
Emotions are welcome. If you feel tears, anger, or need to step out, that's okay. We'll hold space for that.
If you're in danger, please tell someone. The leader has resources available. Your safety comes first.

Teaching Summary

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Physical abuse is often easier to recognize — there's visible evidence. Emotional abuse is harder because it happens in the invisible space between people: in words, tones, manipulation, and the slow erosion of who you are.

Emotional abuse can be active and intentional, or it can be passive — just how someone is. Either way, the effect on you is real.

Dr. Cloud identifies four primary patterns:

1. Isolation — You're cut off from people and things that give you life. Friends drift away. Family feels distant. Your support network shrinks. You feel alone in your struggle.

2. Control — Your choices are limited. You can't say no without consequences. Fear, guilt, anger, or manipulation are used to direct your behavior. Your world gets smaller.

3. Shaming and Blaming — You end up with "all the badness." You feel criticized, judged, put down. When things go wrong, it's your fault. When they hurt you, somehow you caused it.

4. Domination — They position themselves above you. They tell you what to think, what's right and wrong, what you can and can't do. You feel parented, judged, not treated as an equal adult.

How It Affects You

When you're living in emotional abuse, you'll see changes:

Mood: Depression, anxiety, dread, unhappiness connected to this relationship
Behavior: Walking on eggshells, adjusting yourself to avoid conflict
Thinking: More negative, more self-critical, more powerless
Hope: Unable to picture things improving, feeling stuck

Why It's Hard to See

If you've experienced dysfunction before, your pain tolerance may be high. You're used to it — like a fish that doesn't know it's wet.

Abusers are often skilled at confusion: "That's not what happened." "You're too sensitive." "I never said that." They blame, deny, and manipulate until you doubt your own perceptions.

Important Caveat

Not everyone who feels abused is being abused. Sometimes we bring old wounds into new relationships — what psychologists call transference or PTSD. We might perceive normal behavior as threatening because we've been hurt before.

This doesn't mean you should dismiss your feelings. But it's worth checking: Is this pattern actually happening, or am I reacting to something from my past? Outside perspective from trusted people can help you discern this.

You Are Not a Partner in Your Abuse

This is crucial: You did not cause someone to abuse you. You are not responsible for their behavior.

However, you may have developed patterns that allow the abuse to continue — making excuses, enabling, avoiding conflict, not seeking help. These patterns often developed for survival. Recognizing them gives you power to change them. This is not the same as being at fault.

Steps Forward

Tune in — Get clarity on what you're actually feeling and experiencing
Build alliances — You cannot do this alone; break the isolation
Stop enabling — Identify and change patterns that allow abuse to continue
Use your words — Learn to name behavior and set limits
Create safe space — Physical and emotional space where you're protected
Set consequences — Logical responses to behavior that don't get changed by words alone
Get professional help — When a group isn't enough, seek therapy or advocacy

Discussion Questions

Take your time with these questions. Not everyone needs to answer every question.

Before we go deeper, what stood out to you from the teaching summary? What resonated or surprised you?
Dr. Cloud names four patterns: isolation, control, shaming, and domination. Without sharing private details, which of these patterns, if any, feels familiar to you in any relationship — past or present? [This is a gentle entry point]
"The fish doesn't know it's wet." Have you ever experienced a situation where you didn't realize how bad something was until you got outside of it? What helped you see more clearly?
The teaching mentions how abuse affects mood, behavior, thinking, and hope. What changes in yourself have you noticed that might be connected to how you're being treated?
What makes it hard to see clearly when you're in a harmful relationship? What clouds your vision? [Allow time — this gets at the manipulation dynamics]
Dr. Cloud says you are "not a partner in your abuse" but that you may have developed enabling patterns. What's the difference between those two ideas? Why is it important to hold both?
"You need allies." What has been your experience with having — or not having — people who see clearly and support you? What gets in the way of seeking support?
What do you think stops people from using their words to name harmful behavior? What would make that easier or harder?
When you think about consequences — logical responses to behavior that won't change with words alone — what emotions come up? [Fear, guilt, and confusion are common]
What's one thing from this session you want to carry with you? One thing you want to remember or do differently?

Personal Reflection Exercises

These can be done during the session or taken home.

Exercise 1: The Four Patterns Inventory

Think about a relationship you're concerned about. Rate how much you experience each pattern (1 = rarely, 5 = frequently):

Isolation: I feel cut off from friends, family, or things that give me life. 1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5

Control: My choices feel limited. I feel manipulated, guilted, or pressured. 1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5

Shame/Blame: I feel criticized, judged, or blamed. I end up with "all the badness." 1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5

Domination: I feel parented, talked down to, or not treated as an equal. 1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5

What do you notice about your scores? What pattern, if any, seems most present?

Exercise 2: Changes in Me

Reflect on how you've changed since being in this relationship:

My mood used to be: _________________________ My mood now is: _________________________

I used to do these activities: _________________________ Now I rarely do them because: _________________________

I used to think of myself as: _________________________ Now I think of myself as: _________________________

I used to feel hopeful about: _________________________ Now I feel: _________________________

What do you notice?

Exercise 3: My Enabling Patterns

Remember: Enabling is not the same as being at fault. These patterns often developed for survival.

Consider these questions honestly:

What do I tell myself to explain or excuse their behavior?
What do I do to keep the peace that costs me something important?
What do I avoid saying or doing because of their potential reaction?
Who have I pulled away from to avoid conflict or explaining?

What pattern do I notice? What might I be ready to change?

Real-Life Scenarios

Read these scenarios and discuss as a group.

Scenario 1: The Moving Target

Sarah has been with Michael for five years. When she tries to talk about something that hurt her, he says she's too sensitive or that she remembers it wrong. When she adjusts her behavior to avoid problems, he finds something else to criticize. She feels like she's always failing some test she didn't know she was taking. Her friends say she's changed — she used to be confident, but now she second-guesses everything.

What patterns from the four categories do you see?
How might Sarah's perception of reality be affected?
What might be a first step for Sarah?

Scenario 2: The Isolated Helper

David's wife, Jennifer, needs a lot from him. She doesn't want him spending time with friends who "don't understand their relationship." She gets upset when he works late, even though they need the income. She monitors his phone and gets angry if he doesn't respond immediately. David tells himself she just loves him a lot and had a hard childhood. He can't remember the last time he saw his old friends.

Is this love or control? How can you tell the difference?
What is David telling himself, and how is it keeping him stuck?
What might David need to hear from people who care about him?

Scenario 3: The Question of Perception

Rachel grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. Now she's in a new relationship with someone her friends say is kind and good. But sometimes when he's direct with her or has a different opinion, she feels attacked. She's started to wonder: Is he actually being hurtful, or is she bringing old wounds into something new?

How might Rachel discern whether this is current abuse or past trauma?
What role could trusted outside perspectives play?
What's the difference between dismissing her feelings and checking her perceptions?

Practice Assignments

These are invitations, not obligations.

Assignment 1: Trusted Perspective

This week, share something about your situation with one trusted person. It doesn't need to be the whole story — just enough to break the isolation slightly and get outside perspective. Notice what it feels like to be heard.

Assignment 2: Tune In

For one week, keep a simple log. When you feel isolated, controlled, shamed, or dominated, note what happened. What did they do or say? How did you feel? What did you tell yourself about it? Look for patterns.

Closing Reflection

Emotional abuse is real. It does real damage. And it's often very hard to see when you're in the middle of it.

If what we've discussed today describes your experience, you are not crazy. You are not too sensitive. You are not at fault for how someone else chooses to treat you.

Healing is possible. It happens when people wake up to what's happening, build support around themselves, learn new tools, and take courageous steps — sometimes small, sometimes large. You don't have to figure everything out today. You just need to take the next right step.

And remember: the God who created you designed you for relationships that help you thrive, not relationships that tear you down. That design hasn't changed, even if your circumstances have.

You are not alone. This group is one small piece of support. Professional resources exist when you need more. There is hope.

Optional Closing Prayer

If appropriate for your group:

"God, we bring heavy things before you tonight — things some of us have never spoken about, things that have confused and hurt us. Thank you for being a God who sees the oppressed and cares about justice and healing. Give us clarity to see what's true, courage to take the steps we need to take, and people who will walk with us. Remind us that we are not alone. Amen."

Resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Available 24/7. Confidential support, resources, and safety planning.

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Thehotline.org: www.thehotline.org

Emotional Abuse