Recognizing and Responding to Emotional Abuse

Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Note: This resource is for group leaders and facilitators only. It is not intended for distribution to group members.

Purpose of This Resource

This session explores emotional abuse — how to recognize it, understand it, and begin responding to it. This is among the most sensitive topics you'll facilitate. Your role is crucial in creating safety, handling disclosures appropriately, and pointing people toward professional help when needed.

What Success Looks Like for a Leader in This Session

• Participants feel safe enough to begin acknowledging their experiences
• The group provides validation without pressure to share details
• Nobody feels blamed, shamed, or told what to do
• Those who need professional help receive appropriate referrals
• No one who is currently in danger is missed
• The difference between awareness and action is respected — people may not be ready to act
• Hope is conveyed without minimizing the difficulty

What Success Does NOT Look Like

• Participants sharing graphic details of abuse
• The group becoming a therapy session
• Leaders giving advice about whether to stay or leave
• Anyone feeling pressured to forgive, reconcile, or take action they're not ready for
• Overlooking signs of current danger

Critical Safety Information

Before the Session

1. Know your local resources: Domestic violence hotline numbers, local shelters, counseling services, domestic violence advocates. Have these written down.

2. Understand your legal obligations: In some jurisdictions, leaders are mandated reporters for child abuse or imminent danger to an adult. Know what applies to you.

3. Have a private conversation plan: If someone discloses current danger, you need to be able to speak with them privately. Know where and how you'd do this.

4. Be aware that abusers may attend: Sometimes an abuser attends groups to monitor their victim. Be alert if someone seems to be watching another person's reactions closely or if someone seems nervous about a specific person's presence.

If Someone Discloses Current Danger

Do:

• Stay calm and non-judgmental
• Thank them for trusting you
• Ask if they are safe right now
• Ask if they have a safety plan
• Provide hotline numbers
• Offer to connect them with a domestic violence advocate
• Follow up with them privately after the session

Do NOT:

• Tell them what to do ("You need to leave")
• Express shock or horror that could shut them down
• Promise to keep it confidential if you're legally required to report
• Confront or contact the alleged abuser
• Assume you know their full situation

Key Script: "I'm glad you told me this. Your safety matters. Can we talk after the session so I can make sure you have some resources? You're not alone in this."

If Someone Discloses Past Abuse (Not Current Danger)

• Validate their experience: "Thank you for sharing that. That sounds really painful."
• Affirm: "What happened to you was not okay."
• Don't press for details
• After session, you might offer: "Have you been able to process this with a counselor? That can be really helpful for this kind of thing."

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Over-Disclosure / Flooding

What it looks like: Someone shares extensive, graphic details of their abuse. They become emotionally overwhelmed. The room doesn't know how to respond.

Why it happens: This topic activates deep pain. Some people have never had an outlet. Once the dam breaks, it's hard to stop.

How to respond: "Thank you for trusting us with something so significant. I can hear how painful this is. This sounds like something really important to process with a counselor who can give it the attention it deserves. For tonight, let's pause here so others can share too." Follow up privately afterward.

2. Denial and Minimizing

What it looks like: Someone hears the teaching and immediately dismisses it. "That doesn't apply to me." "It's not that bad." "At least he doesn't hit me."

Why it happens: Recognition is threatening. It might mean they have to do something. Denial protects them from that.

How to respond: Don't force recognition. You might say, "It can take time to sort through these things. This content might be more for someone else right now, or it might be worth sitting with for a while." Let the material work without pushing.

3. Blaming the Victim

What it looks like: Someone says (or implies) that the abused person should have done something differently. "Why doesn't she just leave?" "If you didn't provoke him..."

Why it happens: Sometimes it's ignorance about how abuse works. Sometimes it's the person's own defense mechanism — if they can blame the victim, they feel safer.

How to respond: "Situations involving abuse are usually much more complex than they appear from the outside. Let's focus on understanding rather than judging." If it continues, address it privately.

4. Identifying Too Quickly with the Abuser

What it looks like: "I think I might be the abuser." Someone becomes very anxious about their own behavior.

Why it happens: Sometimes healthy people who have occasional conflict worry they're abusive. Sometimes people who have abusive tendencies genuinely recognize themselves.

How to respond: "That's a significant thing to wonder. This might be worth exploring with a counselor who can help you sort through what's actually happening. The fact that you're asking the question is a good sign."

5. The Partner Who Attended

What it looks like: Someone shares that their partner made them attend, or they're clearly there to report back to someone.

Why it happens: Controlling people sometimes send their partners to groups to monitor what's being said.

How to respond: Be aware that anything shared may get back to the abuser. Don't single them out, but be cautious. You might need to speak with them privately: "I noticed you mentioned your partner encouraged you to come. How are you feeling about being here?"

6. Rescuer Mode

What it looks like: Someone fixates on another participant's situation. They want to give advice, help them leave, intervene.

Why it happens: It's easier to focus on someone else's problem than your own. Some people cope by rescuing.

How to respond: "It's wonderful that you care so much about others. Part of what we're doing here is learning to focus on our own situations and trust that each person is capable of finding their path. Let's make sure everyone has space."

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

• Graphic details of abuse: "You don't need to share the details for us to believe you and support you."
• Advice-giving: "Let's focus on listening rather than solving right now."
• Questions about what someone should do: "That's a decision that really needs to be made with professional support."
• Pressure to share: "It's okay to participate by listening. Share only what feels right."

What NOT to Do

• Don't tell anyone whether to stay or leave a relationship
• Don't minimize by comparing: "At least it's not physical"
• Don't spiritualize: "God will protect you" / "Forgiveness is the answer"
• Don't push for action: "You need to report this" / "You should leave tonight"
• Don't promise outcomes: "It will get better if you just..."

Holding Space Without Being a Therapist

Your role is facilitator, not therapist. You don't need to:

• Diagnose whether something is "really" abuse
• Know what someone should do
• Fix anyone's situation
• Have all the answers

You do need to:

• Create non-judgmental space
• Keep the group safe from harm
• Validate without rescuing
• Point toward appropriate resources
• Model honest, non-shaming engagement

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"It's Not Abuse Unless It's Physical"

Gentle correction: "Emotional abuse is a real category with real effects. It changes your mood, behavior, thinking, and hope. The absence of physical violence doesn't mean you're not being harmed."

"I Caused This by My Behavior"

Gentle correction: "You are not responsible for someone else's choice to treat you this way. You may have developed patterns that allow it to continue — those are worth looking at — but that's not the same as causing it."

"If I Were a Better Christian, I Would Forgive and Stay"

Gentle correction: "Forgiveness is important, but forgiveness doesn't mean tolerating ongoing harm. Setting boundaries isn't unforgiving — it's sometimes the most loving thing for everyone involved. Safety and health are also values that matter to God."

"I Should Be Able to Handle This Myself"

Gentle correction: "Emotional abuse thrives in isolation. Getting help isn't weakness — it's wisdom. Even the strongest people need support when facing something this challenging."

"Maybe I'm Just Being Too Sensitive"

Gentle correction: "That's a common thought for people who've been told they're too sensitive. But your feelings are data. If you're feeling isolated, controlled, shamed, or dominated, that's worth paying attention to, regardless of what anyone else says."

When to Recommend Professional Help

Signs Someone Needs More Than a Group Can Offer

• They describe current physical danger or threats
• They express hopelessness, despair, or suicidal thoughts
• They describe severe depression, anxiety, or inability to function
• They're dealing with complex situations involving children
• They've been trying to address this on their own for a long time without progress
• They show signs of significant trauma (dissociation, flashbacks, hypervigilance)

How to Have That Conversation

In the group (briefly): "What you're describing sounds significant. A counselor who specializes in this could really help you go deeper than we can here. That's not a failure — it's getting the right help for the right problem."

Privately after: "I'm glad you shared tonight. I'm also a bit concerned about [specific observation — not diagnosis]. Have you considered talking with a counselor or an advocate who specializes in this? They could give you the kind of focused support that's hard to get in a group setting."

If there's current danger: "I need to make sure you're safe. Do you have somewhere you can go tonight? Have you talked with a domestic violence advocate? They can help you think through safety planning. Here's the hotline number."

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Time Allocation (75-90 minute session)

If Time Is Short

Prioritize:

• Question 2 (which patterns feel familiar)
• Question 4 (changes in mood, behavior, thinking, hope)
• Question 7 (experience with allies)
• Providing resources clearly

Where Conversation May Get Stuck

On whether something is "really" abuse: People may want a definitive ruling. Redirect: "We're not here to diagnose anyone's situation. We're here to learn, reflect, and support each other."

On what someone should do: "That's a complex decision that deserves professional support. For tonight, we're focusing on recognition and understanding."

In painful silence after someone shares: Don't rush to fill it. Sometimes silence is appropriate. You might say: "Thank you for sharing that. Let's sit with that for a moment before we continue."

Leader Self-Care

This topic can be heavy for leaders too — especially if you have your own history with abuse.

• Know your own triggers before facilitating
• Have your own support system (don't carry this alone)
• Debrief after the session with a co-leader or trusted person
• Know when to step back if the topic is too activating for you right now
• It's okay to acknowledge: "This is a heavy topic for all of us, including me"

Essential Resources to Have Available

Write these down and have them visible:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (Available 24/7, confidential support)

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Local domestic violence shelter/agency: [Fill in for your area]

Local counseling resources: [Fill in for your area]

Leader Encouragement

You are not responsible for fixing anyone's situation. You are not responsible for making anyone see what they're not ready to see. You are not responsible for decisions that are theirs to make.

What you are doing matters: creating a space where people can begin to see clearly, feel less alone, and take first steps toward help. That's significant.

Some people in your group may not be ready to acknowledge what's happening. That's okay — the seeds are planted.

Some may be in danger. That's why you have resources and know when to refer.

Most will simply need to feel heard, validated, and pointed toward next steps. You can do that.

Trust the process. Trust that God is at work in ways you can't see. And take care of yourself too.