Boundaries and Grace: Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores one of the most common points of confusion for people of faith: how boundaries and grace fit together. Many people have absorbed the belief that being gracious means accepting everything, that love means having no limits, and that setting boundaries is somehow unloving or un-Christlike.

Dr. Cloud teaches that this is a fundamental misunderstanding. Boundaries don't negate grace—boundaries ARE grace. They're an expression of love that refuses to let someone continue in destructive behavior.

Session Goals

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand that grace and boundaries are partners, not opposites
2. Identify areas where they may have confused grace with permissiveness
3. Learn how to set limits while maintaining a posture of love and humility
4. Recognize the biblical basis for loving confrontation

Teaching Summary

The Question Everyone Asks

When we talk about faith, we hear about love, forgiveness, and grace. And then we hear about boundaries. Many people's minds short-circuit at this point: "Wait—how can you have boundaries AND grace? Grace is about forgiveness and unconditional love. Boundaries are about setting limits and consequences. Those seem like opposites."

This confusion is understandable—but it comes from a misunderstanding of what grace actually means.

Grace Means Wanting the Best for Someone

Grace is "unmerited favor." It means God is for you. He's on your team. He wants the best for you out of love. When you extend grace to someone in your life, you want the best for them too.

Here's the critical insight: there's no such thing as getting to a good place without boundaries. Boundaries are about self-control, responsibility, and limits. They're about the capacity to say no to oneself and to others—and to hear no—without destroying relationships through controlling or destructive behavior.

If you truly love someone and want the best for them, the last thing you would do is allow them to continue in behavior that leads to destruction. Some people, trying to be gracious, actually enable the very behavior that's killing someone—not from bad motives, but from a loving heart that doesn't understand that love without boundaries becomes sick love.

The Research Is Clear

Decades of parenting research has shown that healthy children come from environments with both high warmth AND high expectations. Remove either one, and things go wrong:

• High warmth without expectations produces entitled, out-of-control kids
• High expectations without warmth produces fearful, shame-based kids
• High warmth AND high expectations produces healthy, responsible kids

The same principle applies to all relationships. Grace is the warmth. Boundaries are the expectations. You need both.

Jesus: The Model of Integration

Jesus perfectly modeled this integration. Consider the woman caught in adultery. The Pharisees wanted to stone her—pure law, no grace. But notice what Jesus did:

First, he addressed the accusers: "If any of you is without sin, let him cast the first stone." No one could.

Then, to her: "Neither do I condemn you." That's grace—complete, unconditional acceptance without condemnation.

But then: "Go and sin no more." That's the boundary—the expectation that things would be different.

He didn't pick grace OR truth. He held both. Scripture says, "The law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus" (John 1:17). Not grace instead of truth. Grace AND truth, realized together.

The Escalation Model (Matthew 18)

Jesus gave a practical framework for how to address someone who sins against you—a graduated approach that preserves relationship while addressing the problem:

Level 1: Private Conversation "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone."

This is the lowest intervention—just words, in private. Like your immune system first sending saliva to neutralize a threat. Many problems can be solved here.

Level 2: Bring Witnesses "If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you."

If the first conversation doesn't work, you escalate—not to punish, but to help the person see what they can't see alone.

Level 3: Involve the Community "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church."

The larger community becomes involved—naming the problem, creating accountability.

Level 4: Separation "If he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."

When all else fails, separation becomes necessary. You expel what's toxic. This isn't about punishment—it's about protecting the body while leaving the door open for future reconciliation.

The Posture of Confrontation (Galatians 6)

How you approach matters as much as what you say. Galatians 6:1 provides the model: "If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."

Notice the key elements:

• "Caught in a sin" — like a fish caught in a net, unable to get out. This person isn't your enemy; they're stuck.
• "Restore" — the goal is their good, not their punishment
• "Gently" — not harsh, judgmental, or self-righteous
• "Watch yourselves" — stay humble; you're capable of the same

This is not the angry confrontation many people imagine. It's love in action.

Why Silence Is Not Grace

Leviticus 19:17 puts it starkly: "Confront your neighbor frankly, or you will share in their guilt."

When we stay silent about destructive behavior—telling ourselves we're being gracious—we may actually be participating in the problem. We're not being loving; we're being complicit. True love speaks up, even when it's uncomfortable.

Grace First, But Not Grace Only

"Turn the other cheek" means approaching people without revenge, without retaliation, without an eye-for-an-eye mentality. It means coming with grace first—offering a new beginning, making yourself available for relationship.

But Jesus never stopped there. Every offer of grace came with an expectation of change: "Repent." "Go and sin no more." "Follow me."

Grace and truth. Warmth and expectations. Acceptance and accountability. They go together. When we separate them, we lose something essential from both.

Discussion Questions

[Leader note: These questions progress from more accessible to deeper. You likely won't have time for all of them—choose 5-7 based on your group's needs and comfort level.]

1. What messages have you received—from church, family, or culture—about what it means to be "gracious" or "loving"? How have those messages shaped your approach to setting limits?

2. Dr. Cloud says, "Love without boundaries turns into sick love." What does that phrase stir up for you? Have you seen this dynamic play out in your life or someone else's?

3. Think of someone you love who is struggling with destructive patterns. What would it look like to approach them with both grace AND boundaries—not one or the other?

4. Where in your life have you stayed silent about a problem, telling yourself you were "being gracious"? Looking back, was that really grace—or was it something else (fear, avoidance, codependency)?

5. The woman caught in adultery received both "neither do I condemn you" AND "go and sin no more" from Jesus. Which of these two parts is harder for you to offer others? Which is harder to receive?

[Leader note: Allow silence after this question. It touches on core identity issues.]

6. Galatians 6 says to confront "in a spirit of humility and gentleness." What's the difference between confrontation with humility versus confrontation with judgment? How can you tell the difference in yourself?

7. The Matthew 18 escalation model starts with a private conversation. What keeps you from having those first-level conversations when something bothers you? What would help you start there?

8. "Confront your neighbor frankly, or you will share in their guilt." How do you react to that statement? Does it feel freeing or burdensome? Why?

9. High warmth + high expectations = healthy relationships. Evaluate a key relationship in your life: where does it land on each axis? What needs to shift?

[Leader note: This could be done as a private reflection rather than group share, depending on group trust level.]

10. What's one practical step you could take this week to hold grace and boundaries together in a relationship that matters to you?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: The Warmth and Expectations Assessment

Think of one significant relationship in your life (spouse, child, parent, friend, colleague). On a scale of 1-10, rate:

Warmth (grace, acceptance, emotional connection): ___

Expectations (clarity, accountability, limits): ___

Reflect:

• If both are high, what's sustaining that?
• If warmth is high but expectations are low, what are you tolerating that you shouldn't?
• If expectations are high but warmth is low, how might the other person be experiencing you?
• If both are low, what's happened to this relationship?

Exercise 2: The Silence Audit

List 3 situations where you've stayed silent about something that bothered you or concerned you:

For each one, answer honestly:

• Was my silence truly gracious, or was I avoiding discomfort?
• What has my silence cost—the other person? The relationship? Me?
• What would it look like to speak up in a spirit of humility and gentleness?

Exercise 3: Rewriting the Script

Think of a past confrontation that went poorly—either one you initiated badly or one where you stayed silent when you should have spoken.

Rewrite the script. Write out what you could have said that would have held both grace AND truth:

Grace component (acceptance, love, non-condemnation):

Truth component (the expectation, the limit, what needs to change):

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Helpful Child

Marcus and Dana's adult son, Tyler, lost his job six months ago. He's been living in their basement, sleeping until noon, playing video games, and making no visible effort to find work. When Dana tried to bring it up, Tyler accused her of "not being supportive" and "kicking him when he's down." Marcus keeps telling Dana to "give him grace—he's going through a hard time."

Dana loves her son. She also sees that the current arrangement isn't helping him. She feels stuck between seeming harsh and enabling a pattern that's not leading anywhere good.

Discussion Prompts:

• What would "sick love" look like in this situation? What would healthy love look like?
• How could Dana speak up in a way that holds both grace and truth?
• What expectations might be reasonable? What consequences might be appropriate if those aren't met?

Scenario 2: The Drinking Friend

Rachel's close friend, Megan, has been drinking heavily since her divorce two years ago. At first it seemed understandable—Megan was grieving. But now it's every night, and Rachel has started making excuses to avoid seeing her. When they do get together, Rachel changes the subject if Megan's drinking comes up.

Rachel has told herself she's "being supportive" and "not judging." But lately she realizes she's just avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. Meanwhile, Megan's life is getting smaller—fewer friends, more isolation, worse health.

Discussion Prompts:

• What is Rachel's silence actually communicating to Megan?
• What would a Galatians 6-style approach look like here—going to Megan "in a spirit of humility and gentleness"?
• What might Rachel say that holds both "I love you" AND "I'm worried about what I'm seeing"?

Scenario 3: The Critical In-Law

Andre's mother, Gloria, regularly criticizes his wife, Keisha—her cooking, her parenting, her housekeeping. Gloria says she's "just trying to help." Andre has never said anything to his mother; he tells Keisha, "That's just how she is" and "She doesn't mean anything by it."

Keisha feels unsupported. She's started dreading family gatherings and resenting Andre for not defending her. Andre feels caught in the middle and wishes everyone would just "get along."

Discussion Prompts:

• Andre might call his approach "keeping the peace" or "honoring his mother." What is it costing him and his marriage?
• Using the Matthew 18 model, what would a Level 1 intervention look like for Andre?
• How could Andre set a boundary with Gloria while still honoring her as his mother?

Practice Assignments

These are experiments, not homework. The goal is awareness, not perfection.

Experiment 1: Notice Your Avoidance

This week, pay attention to moments when you feel bothered by something but choose not to say anything. Don't judge yourself—just notice.

At the end of each day, jot down:

• What was the situation?
• What did I tell myself about why I didn't speak up?
• Was that truly grace, or was it something else?

Experiment 2: One Small Conversation

Identify one low-stakes situation where you've been silent about something that bothers you. This week, practice speaking up—briefly, calmly, and without over-explaining.

Use this template if helpful:

• "I care about [you/our relationship], and that's why I want to share something..."
• "When [specific behavior], I feel [your honest reaction]..."
• "What I'd appreciate going forward is [specific request]..."

Notice how it feels. Notice how the other person responds. Bring your observations back to the group.

Closing Reflection

Setting boundaries is not the opposite of love—it's one of the highest forms of love. It says, "I care about you too much to let this continue. I care about us too much to stay silent."

It takes courage to hold grace and truth together. It's easier to pick one—to be permissive and call it loving, or to be harsh and call it honest. The harder, holier path is to do both: to approach with humility and gentleness while still speaking what's true.

This week, may you find the courage to love people enough to be honest with them—and to be honest with them in a way that still feels like love.

Optional Closing Moment

[Leader: You may close with a moment of silent reflection, or invite someone to pray briefly. Keep it unpressured.]

Take a moment to sit with this question: Who in my life needs me to love them with both grace AND truth? And what would it look like to take one small step in that direction?