Boundaries and Grace: Understanding How They Work Together

Overview of the Topic

If you've ever felt guilty for setting a limit with someone you love, you're not alone. Many people—especially people of faith—carry an unspoken belief that being gracious means accepting everything, that love means having no limits, and that setting boundaries is somehow the opposite of being kind or Christlike.

This creates an impossible tension: you want to be loving, but the "loving" thing seems to require you to tolerate behavior that's hurting you—or worse, hurting the person you're trying to love. You keep forgiving, keep giving, keep hoping things will change. But they don't. And somewhere along the way, you start to wonder if you're doing something wrong.

Here's what you may not have heard: boundaries don't negate grace. Boundaries are grace. They're one of the most loving things you can offer someone—because love that doesn't require anything isn't love that helps anyone grow.

What Usually Goes Wrong

Confusing Grace with Permissiveness

Grace means "unmerited favor"—wanting the best for someone, being on their side, extending love they haven't earned. But somewhere along the way, many people heard that grace means overlooking everything, never saying no, and accepting any behavior without comment. That's not grace—that's permissiveness. And permissiveness doesn't produce growth; it produces stagnation.

Believing That Love Means No Expectations

The parenting research is clear: healthy kids come from environments with both high warmth AND high expectations. Remove either one, and something goes wrong. The same is true for all relationships. Love without expectations becomes "sick love"—love that enables rather than empowers, that protects people from consequences rather than helping them grow.

Thinking Boundaries Are About Punishment

When people hear "boundaries," they often imagine anger, rejection, or cutting someone off. But real boundaries aren't about punishment—they're about clarity. They define what you will and won't accept, not to hurt someone, but because you care about the relationship and about their growth.

Avoiding Conflict to "Keep the Peace"

Many enablers tell themselves they're being gracious when really they're avoiding discomfort. Not saying anything feels easier in the moment, but it allows destructive patterns to continue. As one Scripture puts it: "Confront your neighbor frankly, or you will share in their guilt" (Leviticus 19:17). Silence isn't always love—sometimes it's complicity.

Separating Faith and Boundaries

Some churches have unintentionally taught that boundaries are worldly or selfish—that truly spiritual people just forgive and accept. But this creates a false divide. The same Jesus who said "neither do I condemn you" also said "go and sin no more." Grace and truth came together in him—and they're meant to come together in us.

What Health Looks Like

A person who has integrated grace and boundaries looks like this:

• They can love someone without tolerating destructive behavior
• They can set limits without becoming angry, contemptuous, or self-righteous
• They can forgive AND have expectations for change
• They can accept someone where they are AND not be okay with where they're going
• They can confront with humility and gentleness, not judgment
• They understand that holding someone accountable IS an act of love
• They can distinguish between enabling and supporting
• They don't confuse turning the other cheek with being a doormat

Health isn't choosing between grace and boundaries—it's holding both. It's saying, "I love you, I'm for you, I don't condemn you—and this behavior isn't okay, and here's what needs to change."

Key Principles

1. Grace means wanting the best for someone—and the best doesn't include allowing them to destroy themselves. If you truly love someone, you won't let them continue down a path that leads to ruin. That's not unloving; it's the opposite.

2. Boundaries are about self-control and responsibility, not control of others. Setting a limit isn't about making someone else do something—it's about defining what you will and won't accept and what you will do in response.

3. Love without expectations becomes sick love. High warmth and high expectations together produce healthy relationships. One without the other creates either permissiveness or harshness.

4. Jesus modeled grace AND truth together. To the woman caught in adultery, he said, "Neither do I condemn you"—and then, "Go and sin no more." He didn't pick one; he held both.

5. The goal of confrontation is restoration, not condemnation. Galatians 6 says if someone is caught in a destructive pattern, go to them "in a spirit of humility and gentleness." That's the posture—not anger, not self-righteousness, but humble love.

6. Boundaries escalate appropriately. Matthew 18 describes a progression: first a private conversation, then involving others, then (if necessary) separation. You don't start with the nuclear option—you start with the least invasive intervention that might work.

7. Silence can be complicity. Leviticus 19 warns that failing to confront your neighbor means sharing in their guilt. Sometimes the most loving thing is to speak up—even when it's uncomfortable.

8. Boundaries protect love; they don't destroy it. Many marriages fail not because someone set limits, but because no one did. Appropriate boundaries preserve relationships rather than ending them.

Practical Application

This Week, Consider These Steps:

1. Identify one relationship where you've confused grace with permissiveness. Ask yourself: have I been enabling behavior that's hurting this person or me? Write down what you've been tolerating and why.

2. Examine your motives for avoiding confrontation. Is it really grace, or is it fear of conflict? Is it love for them, or is it self-protection? Be honest with yourself.

3. Practice the language of grace AND truth together. Before any difficult conversation, rehearse both parts: "I love you and I'm for you" AND "this isn't okay." Don't lead with one and skip the other.

4. Start small. If confrontation feels overwhelming, begin with a low-stakes situation. Use Matthew 18's model: a private, honest conversation. See what happens before escalating.

5. Get support. If you've been enabling someone with a serious issue (addiction, abuse, destructive patterns), don't try to change your approach alone. Talk to a counselor, pastor, or support group like Al-Anon.

Common Questions & Misconceptions

"Isn't setting boundaries the opposite of turning the other cheek?"

No. Turning the other cheek means not responding to hurt with revenge—it means coming from a posture of grace rather than retaliation. It doesn't mean having no limits. Jesus turned the other cheek AND cleared the temple. He forgave AND had expectations.

"If I really had faith, wouldn't I just forgive and let it go?"

Forgiveness and boundaries are not opposites. You can forgive someone completely (releasing them from the debt they owe you) while still having clear expectations for the relationship going forward. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretending nothing happened or that you'll tolerate the same behavior again.

"Isn't it unloving to have consequences?"

Actually, it's unloving NOT to. Consequences help people learn. They're how we grow. A parent who shields a child from all consequences isn't loving them—they're disabling them. The same is true for adults. Love sometimes means allowing someone to experience the results of their choices.

"What if they say I'm being judgmental?"

Someone may accuse you of being judgmental when you set a limit—that's common. But having expectations isn't the same as condemning someone. You can approach with humility and gentleness (not judgment) while still being honest about what needs to change. The posture matters.

"What if nothing changes after I set a boundary?"

Then you may need to escalate, as Matthew 18 describes. Or you may need to accept that you can't control their response—only your own. Boundaries aren't about making someone change; they're about defining what you will and won't accept regardless of what they choose.

Closing Encouragement

If you've spent years believing that love means having no limits, this might feel like permission you didn't know you needed. It is. You are allowed to love someone and still say no. You are allowed to be gracious and still have expectations. You are allowed to forgive and still require change.

This isn't about becoming harsh or angry or self-righteous. It's about becoming integrated—holding grace and truth together the way Jesus did. It's about loving people enough to not let them destroy themselves or your relationship with them.

This is hard. It may feel uncomfortable at first. The person you're setting limits with may not like it. But love that helps people grow is better than "love" that keeps everyone stuck. Boundaries don't negate grace—they're one of the most gracious things you can offer.

You're not being un-Christlike by having limits. You're actually becoming more like the One who said, "Neither do I condemn you—now go and sin no more."