Leader-Only Facilitation Notes: Boundaries and Grace

Purpose of This Resource

This session addresses a fundamental tension many people of faith carry: the belief that grace and boundaries are opposites. Your role is to help participants see that these aren't competing values but partners—that boundaries are actually an expression of grace, not a negation of it.

What success looks like for you as a leader:

• Participants leave with a clearer understanding that loving someone includes having expectations
• Those who have been enabling destructive behavior feel both challenged and supported to consider change
• Those who have been harsh or judgmental see the need for humility in their approach
• The group maintains a posture of grace throughout—this session shouldn't become an excuse for self-righteousness about boundaries
• Participants feel hopeful that they can love people AND be honest with them

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Relief and Permission-Giving

What it looks like: Some participants may experience significant relief—"Finally, someone is telling me it's okay to have limits!" They've been carrying guilt about boundaries and feel validated.

How to respond: Validate this relief, but gently balance it. Say something like: "It is good news that we can have both grace and limits. Let's also remember that how we set those limits matters—the posture of humility and gentleness is just as important as the limit itself."

2. Weaponizing the Teaching

What it looks like: Someone may use this session to justify being harsh, critical, or controlling. They might say things like, "See? I've been trying to set boundaries, and they just won't listen!" or "This proves I was right all along."

How to respond: Redirect gently but clearly: "This teaching isn't permission to be harsh—it's an invitation to hold grace AND truth together. If our 'boundaries' come with anger, contempt, or self-righteousness, we've lost the grace part. We need both."

3. Defensiveness from Enablers

What it looks like: People with strong enabling patterns may feel defensive when "sick love" is discussed. They may justify their behavior: "But I was just trying to help..." or become quiet and withdrawn.

How to respond: Normalize the struggle: "Enabling usually comes from a genuinely loving heart—that's what makes it so hard. This isn't about blame. It's about asking whether our love is actually helping someone grow or accidentally keeping them stuck."

4. Oversimplifying to One Side

What it looks like: Some participants want to resolve the tension by picking a side: either "So boundaries are what really matters" or "So as long as I have grace, I can say anything." The integration feels uncomfortable.

How to respond: Hold the tension: "This is a 'both/and,' not an 'either/or.' If you find yourself letting one side go, you've lost something essential. The hard work is holding both—that's what Jesus modeled."

5. Personal Disclosures About Abuse or Manipulation

What it looks like: Discussion of "being told to have grace" may trigger memories for abuse survivors or those in controlling relationships. They may share that they were told to be more forgiving, more patient, or less demanding by an abuser or their enablers.

How to respond: This is important and sensitive. Validate clearly: "Thank you for sharing that. What you're describing is a misuse of grace language to keep you trapped. That's not what grace means. Boundaries with unsafe people aren't optional—they're essential." You may need to follow up with this person privately after the session.

6. Intellectualizing to Avoid Feeling

What it looks like: Some participants may engage with the theology or theory enthusiastically while avoiding any personal application. "This is really interesting!" without any "This is really about my life."

How to respond: Gently bring it back to application: "What you're noticing in the teaching is important. Can you take it one step further—where do you see this playing out in your own relationships?"

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

Redirect advice-giving: If someone starts telling another participant what they should do ("You just need to confront your mom!"), intervene: "Let's slow down—we're not here to fix each other. [Name], what do you think you need to do?"

Redirect venting that becomes toxic: If someone's sharing about a difficult person becomes extended contempt or character assassination, gently redirect: "It sounds like this relationship has been really painful. Can you tell us what you're learning about yourself in this, and what you might need to do differently?"

Redirect theological debates: If the conversation gets stuck on interpreting particular Scriptures, bring it back to application: "Those are interesting questions. For now, let's focus on what this means for our actual relationships."

What NOT to Push

• Don't push people to commit to specific confrontations. This session should raise awareness and provide a framework, but people need to discern their own timing. Pushing someone to confront before they're ready can backfire.
• Don't push for details about the "destructive person." Keep the focus on the participant's response, not on cataloging the other person's sins.
• Don't push for resolution in one session. For some participants, this is the beginning of a long process. Honor that. "This is a lot to sit with. You don't have to figure it all out tonight."

Hold Space Without Becoming a Therapist

Your job is to facilitate a meaningful conversation, not to counsel people through their issues. If something significant comes up:

• Validate: "That sounds really hard."
• Normalize: "You're not alone in experiencing this."
• Redirect to the group: "Does anyone else relate to what [name] is describing?"
• Note for follow-up: If it seems like someone needs more support than the group can provide, make a mental note to check in privately afterward.

Remind yourself: "I am a facilitator, not a counselor." You don't need to fix anyone tonight.

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"So I should just set more boundaries."

Correction: "Boundaries aren't about control—they're about clarity. And this teaching emphasizes that boundaries must come with grace, humility, and gentleness. If you're setting boundaries but you're coming with anger or self-righteousness, you've only got half the equation."

"Grace means I should just accept people as they are."

Correction: "Grace does mean accepting people without condemnation. But acceptance doesn't mean approval of destructive behavior. Jesus accepted the woman caught in adultery completely—and then said, 'Go and sin no more.' He did both."

"If someone's being destructive, I should cut them off."

Correction: "Cutting someone off is the last step, not the first. Matthew 18 gives us an escalation: start with a private conversation, then involve others if needed, then—only if nothing works—consider separation. Most situations should be handled long before it gets to that point."

"I've tried setting boundaries and it didn't work."

Correction: "Boundaries aren't about controlling the other person's response—they're about defining what you will and won't accept and what you will do. If someone doesn't change after you set a limit, that doesn't mean the boundary 'didn't work.' It means you now have information about what you're dealing with."

"I just need to forgive and let it go."

Correction: "Forgiveness and boundaries aren't opposites. You can forgive someone—release them from the debt they owe you—while still having clear expectations going forward. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretending nothing happened or that you'll tolerate the same behavior again."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs That Someone May Need More Than a Small Group Can Provide

• They describe a relationship that sounds controlling or abusive
• They reveal ongoing addiction issues (their own or a loved one's)
• They seem significantly depressed or hopeless
• They describe patterns of codependency that are deeply ingrained
• They're facing a major life decision (separation, intervention) that needs professional guidance

How to Have That Conversation

After the session or during a break, approach privately:

"I really appreciated what you shared tonight. It sounds like you're carrying a lot. I wonder if talking to a counselor might help you think through some of this more deeply—someone who could give you the time and attention this deserves. Would you be open to that?"

If they mention an addicted family member: "What you're describing is really common for families dealing with addiction. Have you ever looked into Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery? Those groups are specifically designed for people in your situation and might offer support that goes beyond what we can do here."

Normalize seeking help: "Going to counseling isn't a sign that something is wrong with your faith—it's actually a sign of wisdom. Just like you'd see a doctor for a physical problem, seeing a counselor for relational or emotional struggles is part of taking care of yourself."

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Total session time: 75-90 minutes

Priority Questions (If Time Is Short)

If you only have time for 4-5 discussion questions, prioritize:

1. Question 2 ("Love without boundaries turns into sick love")
2. Question 4 (Where you've stayed silent)
3. Question 5 (Which part of Jesus' response is harder for you)
4. Question 9 (Warmth and expectations assessment)
5. Question 10 (Practical next step)

Where the Conversation May Get Stuck

• After Question 5 (condemnation vs. expectation): This touches deep identity issues. Allow extra silence. Don't rush to fill it.
• During scenarios: Groups sometimes want to "solve" the scenario perfectly. Remind them: "There's no perfect answer here—we're exploring, not solving."
• When someone shares a painful story: The group may want to fix it. Remind them: "Let's just sit with [name] for a moment. We don't need to solve this—we can just hold space."

Leader Encouragement

This is a session that touches real pain for many people. Some have spent years trying to be "gracious" while tolerating things that hurt them. Others have been harsh and are realizing they've lacked the grace component. Both groups need what this teaching offers.

You don't need to have this figured out perfectly in your own life to lead this session well. In fact, your own questions and struggles may help the group feel safer.

Your job is not to:

• Fix anyone's relationships
• Convince anyone to set a boundary they're not ready for
• Provide the perfect theological answer to every question

Your job IS to:

• Create a safe space for honest conversation
• Help people sit with tension rather than resolve it too quickly
• Model the integration of grace and truth in how you facilitate
• Point people toward hope—that love and honesty can go together

The most important thing you offer is your consistent presence and your commitment to keeping the group safe. That's enough.

If you leave this session feeling like you didn't have all the answers—that's okay. Neither did anyone else. What matters is that the conversation happened, and people are one step closer to understanding how grace and truth belong together.