Recognizing and Responding to Abuse, Harassment, and Manipulation
A Small Group Workbook Based on Dr. Henry Cloud's Teaching
Important Note Before You Begin
This session addresses sensitive topics including harassment, manipulation, and abuse. Some participants may have personal experiences with these issues — either past or present.
Ground rules for this session:
- What's shared in this room stays in this room
- No one is required to share anything they're not ready to share
- We listen without trying to fix, advise, or minimize
- We believe people's experiences
- If someone needs support beyond what this group can provide, we'll help them find appropriate resources
If you are currently in an unsafe situation, please know that help is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is available 24/7.
Session Overview and Goals
What This Session Covers
- The spectrum from unwanted attention to harassment to abuse
- Why some people are more vulnerable to manipulation (and how that can change)
- Layers of boundaries we can use to protect ourselves
- How to recognize psychological manipulation tactics
- Reclaiming power when bullies have made us feel powerless
Session Goals
By the end of this session, participants will:
- Understand that boundary violations are never the victim's fault, AND learn tools for protection
- Recognize the manipulation tactics that self-centered people use
- Identify their own vulnerabilities and how to guard them
- Know the layers of protection available to them
Teaching Summary
The Spectrum of Boundary Violations
Harassment and unwanted attention exist on a spectrum. Some behavior is clearly wrong — abuse, predatory behavior, power domination. Everyone would agree that's not okay. But there's also behavior that might feel fine to some people and deeply uncomfortable to others. Both ends of this spectrum matter.
Here's what's most important to establish at the start: it is never your fault when someone mistreats you. Blaming victims is never acceptable. Bad people exist, and they step over lines with anyone they can.
That said, we want to equip people to live in a world where harassing and manipulative people exist. Dr. Cloud uses this image: it's not your fault if someone attacks you, but you're going to do better if you're carrying mace. Learning self-protection isn't about blame — it's about empowerment.
Why Some People Are More Vulnerable
If you grew up in a home where mistreatment was normal — where getting yelled at, criticized, manipulated, or controlled was just how things worked — something happens to your internal sensors. You develop a high tolerance for pain. You normalize things that shouldn't be normal.
Worse, you get "talked out of your senses." The classic example: a child cries because something hurts, and a parent says, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." The child learns to distrust their own feelings. The message is: What you feel isn't real. What hurts doesn't really hurt.
This is why abuse victims sometimes don't realize they can say "stop." Dr. Cloud tells the story of a woman who went to a dentist who drilled her tooth without numbing it. When asked why she didn't tell him to stop, she looked puzzled — it literally didn't occur to her that she could. She had a history of abuse that created a kind of paralysis. The option to resist felt invisible.
The good news: what was trained out can be trained back in. Scripture talks about "the mature who through practice have learned to discern good from evil" (Hebrews 5:14). Your senses can be retrained.
Layers of Protection
We have multiple kinds of boundaries available to us:
1. Physical Boundaries — Your body and your space. You can leave. You can step back. You can remove yourself from unsafe situations.
2. Verbal Boundaries — Your words. "I don't feel comfortable with that." "Please don't do that." "That doesn't work for me." You don't need to be "right" to speak up — you just need to be uncomfortable.
3. Relational Boundaries — Other people. There's safety in numbers. Bringing a friend, a coworker, or a witness into a difficult situation is a legitimate boundary. Joining a group that enforces healthy norms provides protection.
4. Structural Boundaries — Authority structures. HR departments, managers, policies, law enforcement, attorneys. When smaller boundaries fail, we appeal to higher authorities. And when those fail, there are still higher authorities. No bully runs the universe.
The Power Dynamic
Bullies maintain their power through fear. They make you believe they're too powerful to stop, too important to challenge, too dangerous to confront. This is their currency — your fear.
Dr. Cloud tells of a woman whose husband was intimidating and angry. She kept insisting that no one could stand up to him — not the counselor, not her neighbors, not anyone. Dr. Cloud finally asked, "What about a nuclear bomb? Could that stop him?" The point: her husband was powerful, but not omnipotent. Someone or something is always bigger than the bully.
The power dynamic shifts when you find your power — and the power around you. Sometimes that power is in your own voice. Sometimes it's in allies who stand with you. Sometimes it's in structures and authorities that can intervene.
Recognizing Psychological Manipulation
The most dangerous manipulation is often invisible — psychological tactics that leave you feeling confused about what happened. Dr. Cloud identifies several common strategies:
Playing on your care. If you're a loving, responsible person, manipulators will play on that. They act needy, helpless, or victimized to get you to carry their responsibilities. Caring people become enablers because manipulators know how to hit the "I want to help" button.
Exploiting guilt. If you're prone to feeling guilty, manipulators read that like radar. They drop subtle hooks: "I thought you cared" or "It's not that big a deal." Your guilt kicks in, and you move to action — not because it's right, but to avoid feeling selfish.
Using anger as intimidation. Some people flare with anger to make you back down. But anger is just a feeling someone is having. A healthy response: "I'm sorry that makes you angry. Why is that?" — rather than immediately retreating.
Withholding approval. If you're a pleaser who needs others to be happy with you, manipulators will withhold approval until you "dance." They hand out approval when you comply and withhold it when you don't.
Withdrawal and silent treatment. Some people punish by pulling away — going silent, withdrawing affection, ghosting. This is a manipulation strategy designed to make you come crawling back.
Knowing Your Vulnerabilities
Dr. Cloud uses the image of walking around with a sunburn. If you know you're sunburned, you walk carefully because you know a normal pat on the back is going to hurt.
What are your vulnerabilities? Guilt? Fear of anger? Need for approval? Fear of abandonment? People-pleasing? Manipulative people will find these tender spots and press on them. Knowing your "sunburn" helps you recognize when someone is using it against you.
Discussion Questions
[Leader note: These questions are ordered from more accessible to deeper. Don't rush. The goal is honest conversation, not getting through every question.]
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When you hear the word "boundaries," what comes to mind? Has that word had positive or negative associations for you?
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Dr. Cloud makes the distinction between being uncomfortable in a growth way versus being uncomfortable in a harmful way. What's the difference? Can you think of examples of each?
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Why do you think victims sometimes get blamed when someone else crosses a line? Where does that response come from?
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The teaching mentions that some people grow up in environments where mistreatment was "normal." Without needing to share details, can you relate to the idea of having a "high tolerance for pain" that maybe shouldn't be normal?
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What stood out to you about the story of the woman at the dentist? What would it be like to reach the point where saying "stop" doesn't even occur to you as an option?
[Leader note: This may be emotional for some. Allow silence. Don't push for responses.]
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Dr. Cloud lists four layers of protection: physical, verbal, relational, and structural. Which of these do you use most naturally? Which feels hardest for you?
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"You don't need to be right to say something. You just need to be uncomfortable." How does this statement land for you? Does it feel freeing or uncomfortable?
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Of the manipulation tactics discussed (playing on care, guilt, anger, withholding approval, withdrawal), which one resonates most with your experience — either as something you've experienced or something you've seen?
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What's your "sunburn"? What vulnerability do you carry that people can press on? (Only share what you're comfortable sharing.)
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Where have you seen the power dynamic shift — where someone or some group stood up to a bully and the bully's power was broken?
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What would need to change for you to trust your own senses more — to believe yourself when something feels wrong?
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Is there one person in your life who you trust to believe you and stand with you if you needed it? If not, what would it take to find that person?
Personal Reflection Exercises
Complete these individually during the session or at home.
Exercise 1: Mapping Your Boundaries
Think about the four types of boundaries: physical, verbal, relational, and structural. For each one, rate how comfortable you are using it (1 = very difficult, 5 = very natural).
| Boundary Type | Rating (1-5) | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Physical (leaving, creating distance) | ||
| Verbal (speaking up, saying no) | ||
| Relational (asking for help, building allies) | ||
| Structural (appealing to authorities, using policies) |
What pattern do you notice? Where might you need to grow?
Exercise 2: Identifying Your Triggers
Dr. Cloud mentions several "buttons" that manipulators push. Check any that apply to you:
- Guilt — I easily feel guilty and will do things to avoid that feeling
- Fear of anger — When someone gets angry, I back down
- Need for approval — I need people to be happy with me
- Fear of abandonment — I'm afraid of being left or cut off
- Over-responsibility — I feel responsible for other people's feelings and problems
- Need to help — I struggle to see someone in need without trying to fix it
For the ones you checked: Where did this come from? (You don't have to have a full answer — just begin to wonder.)
Exercise 3: The "Stop" Inventory
Think of a recent situation where something felt uncomfortable or wrong, but you didn't speak up. Without judging yourself, answer these questions:
- What happened?
- What did you feel in the moment?
- What stopped you from saying something?
- What would you want to do differently next time?
Real-Life Scenarios
Discuss these as a group. There are no "right" answers — the goal is to think through how these principles apply to real situations.
Scenario 1: The Helpful Coworker
Jordan has a coworker, Sam, who is constantly asking for help with projects. Sam always seems overwhelmed and stressed. Jordan is naturally compassionate and has been helping Sam for months — staying late, picking up extra work, even taking some blame when Sam's projects are late.
Recently, Jordan noticed that Sam seems to have plenty of time for long lunches and leaving early, while Jordan is exhausted. When Jordan tried to say no to one request, Sam looked hurt and said, "I thought we were a team. I'd do this for you."
Discussion Questions:
- What manipulation tactic is Sam using?
- Why is this hard for someone like Jordan to recognize?
- What would a healthy response from Jordan look like?
Scenario 2: The Explosive Family Member
Morgan is dreading Thanksgiving because their uncle has a pattern of making political comments, then exploding with anger if anyone pushes back. The family has learned to walk on eggshells around him. Last year, when Morgan's cousin tried to change the subject, the uncle accused her of "disrespecting him" and didn't speak to her for months.
Morgan's parents have told Morgan to "just keep the peace" and "not set him off."
Discussion Questions:
- What power dynamic is operating here?
- How is the uncle maintaining his power?
- What options does Morgan have? What would using different boundary levels look like?
- What's the cost of "keeping the peace" in this scenario?
Scenario 3: The Silent Treatment
Alex and Casey have been married for eight years. Whenever they have a conflict, Casey withdraws — goes silent, sleeps in the guest room, and gives one-word answers for days. Alex has learned to be the one who always apologizes first, just to end the silence, even when Alex isn't sure what went wrong.
Alex is starting to feel like the relationship only works when Alex doesn't have any needs or opinions that conflict with Casey's.
Discussion Questions:
- What is Casey's manipulation tactic?
- What is Alex sacrificing to "keep the peace"?
- What would a healthy response look like — knowing it might not "work"?
- At what point does Alex need outside support?
Practice Assignments
These are experiments, not homework. Try one this week and notice what happens.
Experiment 1: Trust Your Discomfort
This week, when something feels uncomfortable or wrong, don't immediately dismiss it or explain it away. Just notice it. You might even write it down: "That didn't feel good. I noticed it." You don't have to act on it — just practice trusting your own senses.
Experiment 2: Practice the Phrase
Find one low-stakes opportunity to practice saying: "I don't feel comfortable with that" or "That doesn't work for me." It could be as simple as declining an invitation, redirecting a conversation topic, or asking someone to give you more space. Notice what it feels like to use your words as a boundary.
Closing Reflection
Learning to protect yourself is not about becoming suspicious, hard, or closed off. It's about having your senses trained — being able to recognize what's good and what's harmful, and knowing you have options.
If you grew up in an environment where your senses were trained out of you, this is a journey of retraining. It doesn't happen overnight. You'll need safe people who believe you. You may need professional help. And you'll need patience with yourself.
But here's what's true: you are not powerless. The bully is not omnipotent. Your discomfort matters. And you are allowed to protect yourself.
Closing Prayer (Optional)
This can be read aloud by the leader or silently by individuals.
God, some of us are beginning to recognize things we've been afraid to name. Some of us are realizing that what we thought was normal wasn't healthy. Give us the courage to trust what we feel. Help us find people who will believe us and stand with us. And when we feel powerless, remind us that nothing and no one is bigger than you. Give us wisdom for the next step — just the next one. Amen.
Resources
If this session has surfaced difficult experiences or you need additional support:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
- RAINN (Sexual Assault): 1-800-656-4673
Consider connecting with a licensed counselor who specializes in trauma, abuse recovery, or relationship issues. Your church may have recommendations.