Leader Facilitation Notes: Addressing Abuse and Harassment

This document is for leaders only — not for distribution to group members.

Purpose of This Resource

This session addresses sensitive content that is likely to surface strong emotions, personal disclosures, and potentially traumatic memories. Your role is to create a safe space for honest conversation while not becoming a therapist or trying to solve everyone's problems in one session.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session means:

• Participants feel seen and believed rather than judged or dismissed
• People who have experienced mistreatment feel validated, not blamed
• Group members leave with practical awareness they didn't have before
• Anyone who needs more support than this group can provide is gently pointed toward appropriate resources
• No one is pressured to disclose more than they're ready to share
• The group remains safe for everyone — including those who haven't experienced abuse

What Success Does NOT Look Like

• Turning into a trauma support group without proper structure
• One person dominating with their story while others shut down
• People leaving feeling worse than when they came
• Participants who have been abusers feeling defensive and attacked
• "Fixing" or solving anyone's situation in 90 minutes

Group Dynamics to Watch For

This topic will surface specific dynamics. Here's what to expect and how to respond:

1. Disclosure of Current Abuse

What it looks like: Someone reveals they are currently in an unsafe relationship — domestic violence, ongoing harassment, or active manipulation.

How to respond:

• Thank them for trusting the group
• Do NOT try to coach them on what to do in front of the group
• Say: "That sounds really hard. I'd like to talk with you after the session about some support resources."
• Follow up privately and provide hotline information
• If there's immediate danger, help them access emergency resources
• Do not promise confidentiality if you're a mandated reporter (know your church's policies)

2. Trauma Responses (Freeze, Flood, or Dissociation)

What it looks like: Someone goes quiet and seems "checked out," starts crying uncontrollably, appears frozen, or has a blank stare.

How to respond:

• Gently acknowledge them: "I notice this might be bringing up some hard stuff. You're okay here."
• Don't force eye contact or demand a response
• You might offer: "Would you like to step out for a moment? Someone can go with you."
• Have tissues available
• Don't panic — your calm presence helps them regulate

3. Over-Disclosure or Trauma Dumping

What it looks like: Someone shares graphic details of abuse, goes on at length about their story, or uses the group as individual therapy.

How to respond:

• This is tricky because you don't want to shame them, but you also need to protect the group
• Gently interrupt: "Thank you for sharing that. I can tell there's a lot there. I want to make sure we leave time for others too — but I'd love to connect with you afterward."
• Redirect to the group: "Does anyone else want to share how this topic is landing for them?"
• Follow up privately to help them find appropriate support

4. Intellectualizing to Avoid Feeling

What it looks like: Someone keeps the conversation theoretical, offers lots of opinions about "people like this" or "situations like that," but never connects it to their own experience.

How to respond:

• This is a protective mechanism — don't force them to drop it
• You can gently invite: "That's a helpful observation. Is there anything in this that connects to your own experience — even a small way?"
• If they deflect, let it go. They may not be ready.

5. Minimizing or Comparing Pain

What it looks like: "Well, at least I wasn't physically abused" or "Compared to what you went through, my situation was nothing."

How to respond:

• Gently correct: "There's no hierarchy of pain here. What happened to you mattered."
• Remind the group: "We're not comparing — everyone's experience is valid."

6. Blaming or Questioning Victims

What it looks like: "Why didn't you just leave?" or "What did you do to make him so angry?" or "If she hadn't put herself in that situation..."

How to respond:

• This must be corrected clearly but without shaming the person who said it
• Say: "One of the things this teaching emphasizes is that victims are never to blame for someone else's choice to cross a line. Even if someone put themselves in a risky situation, the person who did the harm owns that choice."
• If it continues, speak privately after the session

7. The Fixer

What it looks like: Someone keeps trying to solve other people's problems, give advice, or tell people what they "should" do.

How to respond:

• Interrupt gently: "I appreciate your care. Right now, let's focus on listening and letting people feel heard. There will be time for next steps."
• Remind the group: "Our job tonight is to hear each other, not to fix each other."

8. The Person Who Has Been Abusive

What it looks like: Someone gets defensive, makes excuses for behaviors described in the teaching, or seems uncomfortable in a way that suggests they identify with the "abuser" side.

How to respond:

• Don't call them out publicly
• The teaching is clear about responsibility without being preachy
• If they push back, you might say: "This is hard material. If it's bringing up anything you want to process, I'm happy to talk after."
• Note: someone recognizing abusive patterns in themselves is a GOOD thing — that's the beginning of change

How to Keep the Group Safe

Set the Tone at the Start

Read or summarize the ground rules in the workbook:

• Confidentiality is essential
• No one is required to share anything
• We listen without fixing or advising
• We believe people's experiences

Add: "Some of you may have personal experience with what we're discussing. Some may not. Both are okay. We're here to learn and support each other."

What to Redirect (With Language Examples)

What NOT to Push

• Don't push anyone to share their personal experience
• Don't push for details ("What exactly did he say?")
• Don't push for resolution ("So what are you going to do about it?")
• Don't push for forgiveness or reconciliation
• Don't push people to "name names" or identify their abuser

Remember: You Are a Facilitator, Not a Counselor

Your job is to:

• Create a safe space
• Guide the discussion
• Ensure everyone has a chance to participate
• Point people toward help when needed

Your job is NOT to:

• Diagnose anyone's situation
• Tell people what to do
• Process anyone's trauma in real-time
• Be the expert on everyone's life

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

People commonly misapply this material. Watch for these and gently correct:

"Now I know my spouse/parent/friend is a narcissist"

The problem: People sometimes use this material to diagnose and label others.

Correction: "This teaching helps us recognize patterns, but we want to be careful about labeling people. We're focusing on recognizing behaviors and protecting ourselves — not diagnosing others."

"I just need better boundaries and then they'll change"

The problem: People think setting boundaries will fix the other person.

Correction: "Boundaries are about what WE will and won't accept — they're not about controlling the other person. Dr. Cloud says you can't 'behave someone into being a good person.' Sometimes boundaries reveal that someone isn't willing to change."

"Setting boundaries is selfish and un-Christian"

The problem: Church culture sometimes frames self-protection as unloving.

Correction: "Jesus set boundaries constantly. Protecting yourself isn't selfish — it's responsible stewardship of the life God gave you. Love doesn't mean allowing yourself to be harmed."

"I should forgive and pretend it didn't happen"

The problem: Confusing forgiveness with reconciliation or minimizing harm.

Correction: "Forgiveness is about releasing bitterness in your own heart — it doesn't mean trusting someone who isn't trustworthy or returning to an unsafe situation."

"If I just try harder, they'll stop"

The problem: Taking responsibility for the abuser's behavior.

Correction: "The teaching is clear: you cannot perform well enough to make someone treat you well if they're choosing not to. Their behavior is their responsibility."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs Someone Needs More Than This Group Can Provide

• They describe an active abuse situation (physical, sexual, emotional, or financial)
• They have intense trauma responses during the session
• They reveal suicidal thoughts or self-harm
• Their situation is legally complex (custody issues, workplace harassment requiring HR/legal action)
• They are unable to function in daily life due to the impact of their experiences
• They continue to return to dangerous situations despite wanting to leave

How to Have That Conversation

This conversation is best had privately, after the session. Here's language that works:

"Thank you for being so open tonight. What you shared tells me this is something really significant. I think you'd benefit from talking to someone who specializes in this — a counselor who really knows how to help people walk through these situations. Would you be open to that?"

Or:

"I'm honored you trusted us with your story. I want to make sure you get the right kind of support. This group is a great place for connection, but I think you might also benefit from working with a professional counselor. Can I help you find some options?"

What NOT to Say

• "You need therapy" (sounds like a diagnosis)
• "That's above my pay grade" (dismissive)
• "I can't help you" (abandoning)
• "You should leave him/her" (advice-giving that could backfire)

Resources to Have Ready

Have these available to share:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• RAINN (Sexual Assault): 1-800-656-4673
• Local Christian counselors who specialize in trauma
• Your church's pastoral care or counseling referral process

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Time Allocation (90-minute session)

If Time Is Short, Prioritize These Questions

1. Discussion question #4 (normalizing mistreatment)
2. Discussion question #6 (layers of protection)
3. Discussion question #8 (manipulation tactics)
4. Discussion question #11 (trusting your senses)

Where Conversation May Get Stuck

Question #5 (dentist story): This can be very emotional. Allow silence. Have tissues ready. Don't push people to respond.

Question #8 (manipulation tactics): This is where people often have "aha" moments. Give it time — people may need to sit with recognition before they can verbalize it.

Question #12 (finding safe people): Some people may realize they don't have anyone. This can be painful. Don't try to fix it in the moment — just acknowledge it.

Leader Encouragement

This is hard material to facilitate. You may hear things that are heavy. You may feel inadequate or wish you could do more. Here's what you need to know:

You don't need to have all the answers. Your job is to create space and point people toward help — not to solve everyone's problems.

Your calm presence matters more than your words. When you stay grounded, it helps others stay grounded. If you panic, they will too.

Just showing up is significant. Many people who have been mistreated have never had anyone take their experience seriously. The fact that your church is offering this material communicates something important.

It's okay to follow up. If someone shares something concerning, it's appropriate to check in with them later. "I've been thinking about what you shared. How are you doing?"

Take care of yourself afterward. Facilitating heavy material can take a toll. Debrief with a pastor, counselor, or fellow leader. Don't carry it alone.

You are not responsible for outcomes. You can offer a safe space, provide resources, and point toward help. What people do with that is their journey.

Pre-Session Checklist

• I have read through the entire workbook
• I have reviewed these facilitation notes
• I have tissues available
• I have resource information printed or ready to share (hotlines, counselors)
• I know who at my church I can contact if someone discloses serious abuse
• I have prayed for the group and for wisdom
• I have a co-leader or support person I can debrief with afterward