Loving Someone Who Is Addicted

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session addresses one of the most painful experiences many families face: loving someone caught in addiction. Whether it's a spouse, child, parent, sibling, or friend, addiction affects everyone in the system — not just the person using.

This is not a session about how to fix the addict. That's a common trap. Instead, we'll focus on what you can actually control: your own responses, your own recovery, and your own growth — whether or not the person you love ever gets sober.

Session Goals

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand how addiction works — the patterns of loss of control, tolerance, denial, and the effects on loved ones
2. Shift focus from controlling the addict to changing themselves — recognizing that their own recovery is both possible and necessary
3. Identify enabling patterns — behaviors that unintentionally keep the addiction going
4. Learn practical next steps — including where to find support and how to set healthy boundaries

A Word Before We Begin

Some people in this group may be dealing with this issue right now. Others may have grown up with an addicted parent and carry those patterns into adulthood. Some may suspect someone they love has a problem but aren't sure. All of these experiences are welcome here.

This is a sensitive topic. We're not here to diagnose anyone's loved one or tell people what to do about their marriages or families. We're here to learn, to support each other, and to find a path forward that brings health to our own lives.

Teaching Summary

Recognizing Addiction

Addiction starts when a person loses control over a behavior or substance. They didn't start out addicted — there was an initial choice. But over time, something changes in their brain and body, and now they can't stop even when they want to.

Here's what that looks like:

The craving cycle: It starts with uncontrollable cravings — a hunger that takes over. They use the substance (or engage in the behavior), but over time, they build tolerance. It doesn't give them the same effect, so they need more. When they don't have it, they experience withdrawal. The cycle feeds itself: craving → use → tolerance → withdrawal → more craving.

Loss of functioning: As addiction progresses, it takes over more and more of life. The person stops showing up — to work, to family events, to responsibilities. They're losing time and losing the ability to deliver to the people depending on them.

Physical and emotional changes: You might notice changes in appearance, hygiene, weight, sleep patterns, moods. There may be unusual anger, mood swings, agitation, or depression. They're not their old self.

Denial patterns: When you bring it up, they deny, minimize, make excuses, or blame others. "I don't have a problem." "It's not that bad." "I've been under a lot of stress." "You're the one making this a big deal." This denial is part of the addiction — it's the system protecting itself.

The Effects on You

Addiction doesn't just hurt the addict. There's collateral damage:

• Broken promises and lost trust
• Financial strain from their choices
• Emotional chaos in the home
• Covering up and making excuses
• Walking on eggshells
• Losing yourself in managing them
• Isolation and shame about what's happening

You may feel like you're going crazy. They tell you you're imagining things. You second-guess your own perception. That's part of the pattern.

What You Can't Do

Here's the hard truth: You cannot make them stop. If they've truly lost control, no amount of talking, pleading, threatening, or nagging will give them back that control. Trying to control an addict is like trying to push a rope — exhausting and ineffective.

At some point, the talking has to stop — not because you don't care, but because it's turning into a nagging cycle that doesn't help anyone.

What You Can Do

The most powerful thing you can do is shift the focus from the addict to yourself. This isn't selfish — it's strategic. Your own recovery is both possible and essential.

Educate yourself: Learn about how addiction works. This will normalize what you're seeing and help you stop taking it personally.

Get into your own recovery: Find Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, a family addiction support group, or an addiction counselor. Even though you're not the one addicted, you need support and you need to learn about your own patterns.

Stop enabling: An addict needs help to sustain their addiction — someone covering for them, bailing them out, absorbing consequences. You have to learn what enabling looks like and stop doing it. This is hard. You'll need support.

Stop judging: Condemnation doesn't help. Scripture talks about restoring someone gently when they're caught in something — but looking to yourself first so you don't get pulled in. The spirit is restoration, not judgment.

Consider an intervention: This isn't a DIY project. A real intervention requires trained professionals who know how to break through denial and guide someone toward treatment. It can work, but it has to be done right.

Understand the system: Addiction is a system problem. The whole family (or friendship circle) has patterns that support the addiction. When the system gets healthy, the physics change. Recovery happens together.

Living with the Long Haul

If you're in this for the long haul, here's what that looks like:

Stay plugged into your own support: This isn't a one-time fix. Stay in Al-Anon. Stay connected to people who understand.

Have a plan for crisis: Sit down with a counselor or sponsor and plan ahead. What do you do if they relapse? What do you do if they use in your home? Know your moves in advance so you don't get pulled back into old patterns.

Make sure they're externally accountable: You cannot be the one driving their recovery. They need a sponsor, counselor, or treatment team holding them accountable — someone outside the family system.

Understand relapse: Relapse is often part of recovery. It doesn't mean all is lost. If the structure is in place — the support system, the sponsors, the treatment team — a relapse becomes a bump in the road, not a dead end.

Keep growing yourself: Continue your own boundaries work, your own health, your own goals. Your message becomes: "I'm getting better. Come join me. But if you don't, I'm still getting better."

Discussion Questions

[Facilitator note: These questions move from safer to more vulnerable. Don't rush. Allow silence. Not everyone needs to answer every question.]

Opening Questions

1. Without sharing names or details, how common do you think addiction is in families within our church community? Why do you think people keep it hidden?

2. What was your reaction to the idea that "you can't make them stop"? Does that feel freeing, frustrating, or both?

Understanding the Patterns

3. Dr. Cloud describes the "craving cycle" — cravings, use, tolerance, withdrawal, more cravings. Have you seen this cycle play out, either in someone you know or in your own experience with something (not necessarily substance addiction)?

4. The teaching mentions denial patterns: denying, minimizing, excusing, blaming. Why do you think denial is such a powerful part of addiction?

5. What did you notice about the effects on loved ones — the collateral damage? Which of those effects have you seen or experienced?

The Shift in Focus

6. The central message is to shift focus from controlling the addict to changing yourself. What makes this so difficult to do in practice? [Facilitator note: This may surface feelings of guilt about "giving up" on someone. Normalize that this isn't giving up — it's giving up control.]

7. What's the difference between supporting someone in addiction and enabling them? How do you know which one you're doing?

8. What would it look like for you to "get your own life back" while still loving someone in addiction?

Getting Practical

9. The teaching emphasizes getting into your own recovery system (Al-Anon, counseling, support groups). What barriers might keep someone from doing that? [Facilitator note: Shame, stigma, time, denial about their own need for help — these are common. Don't minimize them.]

10. Dr. Cloud talks about stopping judgment while still holding boundaries. How do you love someone without condoning their behavior?

Closing Reflection

11. What's one thing from this session that you want to remember or act on this week?

12. If you could give yourself permission to do one thing differently in how you relate to addiction (in yourself or someone else), what would it be?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Complete these individually during the session or at home.

Exercise 1: The Collateral Damage Inventory

Think about how addiction (whether someone else's or your own patterns) has affected you. Check any that apply:

• I've lost trust in someone I love
• I've made excuses or covered for someone
• I've felt like I was going crazy or doubting my perception
• I've isolated myself because of shame
• I've neglected my own health, goals, or relationships
• I've felt responsible for fixing someone
• I've organized my life around monitoring or managing someone
• I've absorbed financial or other consequences of someone's choices
• I've stayed silent when I should have spoken up
• I've spoken up constantly and nothing has changed

Reflection: Looking at what you checked, what pattern do you see? What has this cost you?

Exercise 2: Enabling Pattern Identification

Enabling means doing things that make it easier for someone to stay addicted. Review this list and honestly mark any that apply:

• Covering for them (calling in sick, making excuses to family)
• Giving them money (even for "legitimate" needs)
• Paying bills they should be responsible for
• Cleaning up their messes (literal or figurative)
• Minimizing the problem to others or yourself
• Avoiding the topic to keep the peace
• Taking over their responsibilities
• Threatening consequences but not following through
• Accepting excuses you know aren't true
• Staying in situations that are harmful to you

Reflection: Which of these is the hardest for you to stop? What would you need to stop doing it?

Exercise 3: Your Recovery Audit

This isn't about the addict — it's about you. Answer honestly:

1. On a scale of 1-10, how much of your emotional energy is focused on someone else's problems vs. your own growth?

   1 = All my energy goes to my own growth | 10 = All my energy goes to managing them

   Circle: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. Do you have a support system that understands what you're dealing with?

   • Yes, I'm connected to people who help me stay healthy
   • Somewhat — I have a few people I can talk to
   • No — I'm mostly dealing with this alone

3. What's one thing you've given up while managing someone else's addiction?

4. What would it look like to start taking that back?

Real-Life Scenarios

Discuss these as a group. There are no perfect answers — the goal is to practice thinking through these situations.

Scenario 1: The Bail-Out Request

Your adult child calls you from jail — arrested for DUI again. This is the third time. They're asking you to post bail and promising this time will be different. You know if you don't post bail, they'll spend the weekend in jail. You also know that every time you've bailed them out before, nothing has changed.

Discussion Questions:

• What would enabling look like in this situation?
• What would healthy boundaries look like?
• What would you need in order to actually follow through with a boundary here?

Scenario 2: The Family Event

Your sibling is an alcoholic. Your parents are having their 50th anniversary party. Last year, your sibling got drunk at a family gathering and caused a scene — yelling, crying, saying hurtful things. You're dreading a repeat. Your parents want everyone to just "get along" and pretend everything is fine.

Discussion Questions:

• What pressures do you feel in this situation?
• What options do you have?
• How do you honor your parents while still protecting yourself?

Scenario 3: The Intervention Question

Your close friend's husband has been spiraling deeper into addiction for two years. She's exhausted and asks you: "Should I do an intervention? What even is that? Will it work?" She's skeptical because a family member tried something similar years ago and it was a disaster.

Discussion Questions:

• What would you want her to understand about interventions?
• What would you encourage her to do before considering one?
• How would you support her either way?

Practice Assignments

Choose one to try this week. These are experiments, not homework.

Option A: The Support Search

Research one recovery support option in your area: Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, a family addiction support group, or an addiction counselor. Find out when they meet or how to make an appointment. You don't have to go this week — just find the information. Notice what feelings come up as you do this.

Option B: The Enabling Pause

Identify one enabling behavior you do regularly. This week, don't do it. Just once. Notice what happens — in you, in the other person, in the situation. You don't have to solve anything; just observe. (Make sure you have someone to talk to about what comes up.)

Option C: The Life Reclamation

Pick one thing you've neglected while managing someone else's addiction — a friendship, a hobby, a health goal, something that matters to you. Do one small thing this week to invest in it again. This isn't a reward; it's a statement that your life matters regardless of what they do.

Closing Reflection

Loving someone in addiction is one of the hardest things a person can face. It's a long road, often with setbacks. And the hardest part may be accepting that you cannot walk it for them.

But here's what you can do: You can walk your own road. You can get healthy. You can stop enabling patterns that keep the addiction going. You can learn to love without losing yourself. You can build a support system that helps you stay the course. You can grow, regardless of what they choose.

And when you do that, the system changes. You become a bridge to recovery rather than a cushion that keeps the addiction comfortable. That's not giving up — it's giving them the best chance.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. But you can change your part in the system.

Closing Prayer (Optional)

The facilitator may read this aloud, or participants may reflect silently.

God, we bring you the weight of loving someone caught in something destructive. You know the pain, the fear, the exhaustion. You know how much we've tried and how little has changed.

Help us accept what we cannot control. Give us courage to change the things we can — especially in ourselves. Show us where we've enabled instead of loved, where we've tried to control instead of trusting you.

Lead us to people who can help. Give us wisdom for the hard decisions. And help us believe that our own growth matters — that it's not selfish to take care of ourselves, but necessary.

We trust you with the people we love. We trust you with ourselves. Give us hope that isn't naive, and strength that doesn't run out.

Amen.