Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Loving Someone Who Is Addicted

THIS DOCUMENT IS FOR LEADERS ONLY — NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION TO GROUP MEMBERS

Purpose of This Resource

This session helps participants process the painful reality of loving someone caught in addiction. It provides education about how addiction works, shifts focus from controlling the addict to the participant's own recovery, and offers practical next steps.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session means participants:

• Feel seen and validated in a struggle they may have kept hidden
• Leave with a clearer understanding of what they can and cannot control
• Have at least one concrete next step (often connecting with Al-Anon or a counselor)
• Feel less alone
• Experience the group as a safe place to be honest

What This Session Is NOT

• A diagnostic tool for identifying addiction
• A platform for bashing or venting about addicts
• A counseling session
• A place to tell people what to do about their marriages or families

Group Dynamics to Watch For

This topic will surface strong emotions and challenging dynamics. Here's what to expect and how to respond:

1. Over-Disclosure / Trauma Dumping

What it looks like: Someone shares in graphic detail about abuse, violence, financial devastation, or other traumatic experiences. The sharing goes on for a long time and the group doesn't know how to respond.

Why it happens: They may have never had a safe place to share. The relief of finally talking can be overwhelming.

How to respond:

• Gently interrupt with compassion: "Thank you for trusting us with something so difficult. That took courage."
• Redirect without shaming: "I want to make sure others have a chance to share too. Would you be willing to continue this conversation with me after the group?"
• Normalize professional help: "What you're describing sounds like something that deserves more support than a group like this can give. Can I help you find a counselor?"

2. Advice-Giving and Fixing

What it looks like: Group members start telling each other what to do. "You should leave him." "Have you tried...?" "What worked for me was..."

Why it happens: People want to help, and advice feels like helping. It's also a way to avoid sitting with difficult emotions.

How to respond:

• Gently redirect: "I appreciate the desire to help. In this group, we're going to focus more on listening and sharing our own experiences than on giving advice."
• Model reflection: "What I'm hearing is... Does anyone else relate to that feeling?"

3. Addict-Bashing / Venting Sessions

What it looks like: The group becomes a place to complain about addicts. The tone turns angry and condemnatory. It starts to feel like a group therapy session for resentment.

Why it happens: They're exhausted and angry, and this may be the first time they've been "allowed" to express it.

How to respond:

• Validate the anger: "It makes complete sense that you're angry. Addiction creates real harm."
• Redirect the focus: "Part of what we're learning today is that focusing on them keeps us stuck. What would it look like to shift that energy toward your own growth?"
• Use the teaching: "Remember, Dr. Cloud says to stop judging — not because they haven't done wrong, but because condemnation doesn't help anyone, including you."

4. Denial About Their Own Situation

What it looks like: Someone talks about addiction abstractly or in reference to a "friend" when it's clearly their own family. Or they minimize: "It's not that bad, really."

Why it happens: Shame. Fear of judgment. Not ready to face the full reality.

How to respond:

• Don't push. Respect their pace.
• The group itself is doing work even if they're not fully disclosing.
• You might say: "Even if someone's situation isn't as severe as some of what we've discussed, these principles still apply."

5. The "Fix the Addict" Trap

What it looks like: The whole conversation keeps returning to how to make the addict stop. Questions like: "But what do I actually say to get through to them?" "How do I convince them to go to rehab?"

Why it happens: This is the most natural instinct in the world. It's hard to let go of the belief that if we just find the right words or strategy, we can fix it.

How to respond:

• Normalize the instinct: "We all want to believe there's something we can say or do. That desire comes from love."
• Reinforce the teaching: "The hard news — and the freeing news — is that we can't control them. The good news is that we can control ourselves, and that actually changes the system."
• Redirect to self-focus: "What would it look like for you to get healthy, regardless of what they do?"

6. Safety Disclosures

What it looks like: Someone reveals that the addict in their life is violent, threatening, or putting them or children in danger.

Why it happens: They may not have told anyone. This may be the first safe space.

How to respond:

• Take it seriously. Do not minimize.
• Say: "That sounds like a safety issue, and I'm glad you told us. That's not something a small group can address — but I want to help you find the right support."
• Offer to connect them with a pastor, counselor, or domestic violence resource after the group.
• If children are at risk, you may have reporting obligations depending on your role and jurisdiction. Know your church's policies.

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

What NOT to Push

• Don't pressure anyone to share more than they're ready to
• Don't push someone toward a decision about their marriage or family
• Don't insist someone go to Al-Anon or see a counselor — offer it, but respect their pace
• Don't dismiss someone's fear about stopping enabling ("But what if something terrible happens?") — those fears are real

Facilitator Mindset

You are a facilitator, not a counselor. Your job is to:

• Create safety
• Keep the conversation on track
• Offer the teaching
• Connect people to resources
• Not to fix anyone's family

If you find yourself trying to solve someone's situation, that's a sign to step back. You can say: "This sounds like something you'd benefit from processing with a professional. Can I help you find one?"

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"So I should just give up on them?"

Correction: "This isn't about giving up on them — it's about giving up control. You can still love them, hope for them, and support them. What changes is that you stop trying to manage, fix, or control them, and you start taking care of yourself."

"If I stop enabling, I'm abandoning them."

Correction: "Enabling actually makes it easier for them to stay addicted. Stopping enabling is one of the most loving things you can do — even though it doesn't feel like it. You're giving them a chance to face reality."

"This sounds like tough love — just being hard on them."

Correction: "It's not about being harsh. You can be clear and boundaried while still being compassionate. The opposite of enabling isn't cruelty — it's clarity."

"If I was a better spouse/parent/friend, they wouldn't be addicted."

Correction: "You didn't cause this. Addiction is complex and has many factors. Taking responsibility for their addiction is actually a form of control — and it keeps you stuck."

"My church says I just need to pray more / forgive them / stay no matter what."

Correction: Be careful here. Don't contradict someone's church outright, but you can offer: "Prayer and forgiveness are important. And they don't cancel out the need for boundaries, professional help, and your own recovery. Those things work together."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Watch for signs that someone needs more than a small group can provide:

How to Have That Conversation

Don't shame them for needing more help. Frame it as a compliment:

• "What you're dealing with is significant — and you deserve significant support."
• "A counselor could go deeper with you than a small group can."
• "This isn't because something is wrong with you — it's because what you're facing is really hard."

Offer to help connect them — don't just suggest it. "Would you like me to help you find someone?"

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Time Allocation (90-minute session)

Where It Might Get Stuck

During the teaching: If someone's story is activated, they may want to share immediately. Gently ask them to hold it for discussion time.

On "you can't make them stop": This is hard to accept. Give it time. Let people wrestle with it. Don't oversell.

On enabling identification: This can surface guilt. Normalize: "We all enable in some ways. The goal isn't to feel bad — it's to see clearly so we can change."

On the scenarios: Groups can get stuck on "what's the right answer." There isn't one. The goal is to practice thinking, not to solve hypotheticals.

If Time Is Short

Cut:

• Scenarios (or do one briefly)
• Extended discussion time (stick to key questions)

Don't cut:

• Personal reflection exercises (even if shortened)
• Practice assignment (even if just mentioned)
• Closing reflection / prayer

Leader Encouragement

This is hard material to lead. You may have people in your group carrying decades of pain around addiction in their families. You may have someone in crisis. You may feel unqualified.

Here's what you need to know:

You don't need to fix anything. Your job is to create a safe space, offer the teaching, and point people to resources. That's it. The Holy Spirit and professional helpers will do the rest.

You don't need to have all the answers. It's okay to say, "I don't know, but let's find out together." It's okay to say, "That's beyond what I can help with — let me connect you with someone."

Your presence matters more than your expertise. Showing up, week after week, creating a space where people can be honest — that's the most important thing you do.

Take care of yourself. If you're carrying your own history with addiction (either personally or in your family), this session may bring things up for you. Get your own support. Talk to a pastor or counselor. You can't give what you don't have.

Thank you for leading this group. You're doing important work.

Resources to Have on Hand

Before this session, gather:

• Al-Anon meeting information for your area (www.al-anon.org)
• Celebrate Recovery location and meeting times (if your church offers it)
• Local addiction counselors who work with families (ask your pastoral staff)
• Domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (National Domestic Violence Hotline)
• Crisis support: 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline)

Have these written down and ready to give out. Don't assume people will look them up on their own.