Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

When Relationships Don't Give Back: Unrequited Relationships and Self-Blame

This document is for group leaders only. Please do not distribute to group members.

1. Purpose of This Resource

What This Session Is Trying to Accomplish

This session helps participants recognize a painful but common pattern: investing heavily in relationships that don't reciprocate, and then blaming themselves for the lack of return. The "Coke Machine" analogy provides a non-threatening way to examine relationships where someone has been "putting in money" without getting anything back.

What Success Looks Like for a Leader

A successful session will:

• Help participants identify at least one relationship where they may be over-investing without return
• Surface and challenge the self-blame scripts participants carry ("If I were better, they'd love me")
• Introduce the concept of "defensive hope" as a barrier to healthy change
• Open participants to considering new strategies beyond "try harder"
• Accomplish all of the above without adding shame or pressure

Your job is not to fix anyone's relationships. Your job is to create a space where people can be honest about what's not working and begin to consider that they may not be the problem.

2. Group Dynamics to Watch For

Deflection to Others

What it looks like: "My friend is totally like this..." or "I know someone who really needs to hear this..." What's happening: The participant may recognize the pattern but isn't ready to look at themselves. How to respond: Gently redirect: "It's easy to see these patterns in others. Where might you see even a small version of this in your own life?" Don't force it — sometimes awareness of others is the first step toward self-awareness.

Over-Disclosure / Trauma Dumping

What it looks like: A participant shares extensive, detailed history of painful relationships, dominating the conversation. What's happening: The topic has touched something deep, and they may feel an urgent need to be heard. How to respond: Validate briefly and redirect: "Thank you for sharing something so personal. That sounds really painful. Let's make sure everyone has a chance to process, and you and I can talk more after the group if you'd like."

Defending the "Coke Machine"

What it looks like: "But they're not that bad..." or "They've had a hard life..." or "I know they love me, they just don't show it well." What's happening: The participant may be in the "defensive hope" pattern described in the teaching — protecting themselves from facing painful reality. How to respond: Don't argue. Affirm their care for the person: "It sounds like you really love them. This teaching isn't about deciding someone is bad — it's about being honest about what they can give right now." Let the material do its work over time.

Intellectualizing

What it looks like: Discussion stays theoretical — about "people who do this" rather than personal experience. What's happening: The group may be avoiding vulnerability, or the topic may feel too close to home. How to respond: Model vulnerability if appropriate, or use a gentle prompt: "Let's bring this closer to home. Without naming names, where might each of us see this pattern — even a small version — in our own lives?"

Self-Blame Spiraling

What it looks like: A participant starts blaming themselves even for the self-blame: "I'm so stupid for not seeing this sooner" or "I can't believe I wasted all those years." What's happening: The self-blame pattern is so ingrained that even recognizing it triggers more self-blame. How to respond: Interrupt the spiral gently: "Notice what's happening right now — you're blaming yourself for having blamed yourself. That's exactly the pattern we're talking about. Can you pause and just notice it without adding another layer?" Normalize: "Most of us have been doing this for years. Seeing it is the first step, not something to feel guilty about."

Grief

What it looks like: Tears, quietness, withdrawal, or statements like "I think I've been doing this my whole life." What's happening: The participant is facing a painful truth — possibly for the first time. How to respond: Hold space. Don't rush to comfort or fix. Say something simple: "This is hard to see. Take your time." Allow silence. Grief is often the beginning of healing.

3. How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

• Specific accusations: If someone names a person (spouse, parent, etc.) and begins listing grievances, redirect to the pattern rather than the person: "Let's focus on what you've been feeling and doing in the relationship rather than cataloging their faults."
• Advice-giving: If group members start telling someone what to do ("You should just leave" or "Have you tried..."), remind the group: "Let's stay with listening and understanding right now. This is a space to process, not to solve."
• Comparing pain: If someone minimizes their own struggle compared to another's ("At least my situation isn't as bad as..."), gently interrupt: "Your pain is valid on its own terms. We're not ranking struggles here."

What NOT to Force or Push

• Naming specific people: Participants don't need to identify who the "Coke machine" is in their life. Some will; others won't be ready.
• Making decisions: This session is for awareness, not action plans. Don't push anyone to decide what they're going to do.
• Forgiving or letting go: Some participants may feel pressure to "just move on." This topic often involves grief, and grief takes time.

Your Mantra

"You are a facilitator, not a counselor." Your job is to guide discussion, hold space, and point people toward resources — not to fix anyone's relationships or heal anyone's wounds.

4. Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"This is permission to give up on people"

The misunderstanding: Some participants may hear this teaching as justification for cutting people off or abandoning relationships. Gentle correction: "This teaching isn't about giving up on people. It's about giving up on strategies that don't work — like blaming yourself or trying harder at the same thing. Sometimes the most loving thing is to try something different, like having an honest conversation or getting a counselor involved."

"I should be able to love them enough to change them"

The misunderstanding: Especially in church contexts, people may believe that unconditional love means endlessly absorbing someone's limitations. Gentle correction: "Unconditional love doesn't mean accepting whatever you get without acknowledging reality. You can love someone and still recognize they can't give you what you need. You can love someone and still seek that need elsewhere. Jesus loved everyone, but he didn't pretend everyone was healthy."

"If I just pray harder / have more faith, they'll change"

The misunderstanding: Some participants may spiritualize the problem, believing their faith should be enough to transform the other person. Gentle correction: "Prayer matters, and God does work in people's hearts. But prayer isn't a strategy for controlling other people. Sometimes God's answer to our prayers is giving us the wisdom to do something different, not magically changing the other person."

"The Christian thing is to keep giving"

The misunderstanding: Self-sacrifice is a virtue, so endless giving must be what God wants. Gentle correction: "Jesus gave freely, but he also withdrew from crowds, set limits, and didn't chase people who walked away. Healthy giving comes from overflow, not depletion. Pouring yourself out until you're empty isn't love — it's self-destruction."

"This is just being selfish"

The misunderstanding: Any focus on what I need is selfishness. Gentle correction: "Recognizing that you have needs isn't selfish — it's honest. God made you with needs for love, connection, and appreciation. Acknowledging that a relationship isn't meeting those needs isn't selfishness; it's the first step toward health."

5. When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs a Participant May Need More

• They describe a relationship that sounds emotionally or physically unsafe
• They've been stuck in this pattern for many years and seem unable to see a way forward
• They show signs of depression, anxiety, or trauma responses during the session
• They describe a spouse or family member with untreated addiction or mental health issues
• Their self-blame seems rooted in deep childhood wounds

How to Have the Conversation

Find a moment after the session for a private word. Use language like:

• "What you shared tonight sounds really significant. Have you ever talked to a counselor about this? I think it could be really helpful."
• "This sounds like something that goes deep — maybe deeper than what we can address in a group setting. Would you be open to exploring some additional support?"
• "I can hear how much pain you're carrying. A trained counselor could help you work through this in a way that a small group can't."

Normalize the Referral

• "Counseling isn't a sign of failure — it's a sign of taking yourself seriously."
• "Some of us have been putting money in empty machines for decades. It makes sense that untangling that would take more than a few group discussions."
• "Dr. Cloud himself is a psychologist. He would be the first to say that some of this work needs professional support."

Local Resources to Know

[Leader: Fill in with resources specific to your church or community — counseling centers, support groups, pastoral care contacts.]

6. Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Session Flow (75-90 minutes)

Priority Questions (If Short on Time)

If you only have time for a few discussion questions, prioritize:

• Question 3 (self-blame patterns) — gets to the heart of the teaching
• Question 6 ("dogs don't meow") — concrete and accessible
• Question 10 (hitting the refund button) — moves toward application

Where the Conversation May Get Stuck

• After Question 5 (defensive hope): This concept can be confronting. Allow extra time and silence here.
• During Scenario Discussion: Participants may over-identify with a scenario and want to problem-solve. Keep the focus on recognizing patterns rather than solving the scenario.
• At the end: Participants may feel stirred up but without clear next steps. Remind them that awareness is the first step — they don't need to have it all figured out tonight.

7. Leader Encouragement

Leading a conversation about painful relationships is hard work. You may hear things tonight that are difficult to hold — stories of years spent trying to be enough, of parents who couldn't give love, of marriages that feel empty.

You don't have to fix any of it.

Your job is to create a space where people can be honest. To ask good questions and then get out of the way. To resist the urge to rescue or advise. To trust that God is working even when you can't see it.

Some things to remember:

• Silence is okay. Often the most important processing happens in quiet moments.
• You don't need to have all the answers. "I don't know" is a perfectly good response.
• Your own struggles make you more qualified, not less. If you've wrestled with this pattern yourself, that's a gift to the group — even if you never share it out loud.
• People may leave without resolution. That's okay. Seeds take time to grow.

The fact that you're preparing to lead this conversation means you care. That's already more than enough.

A Prayer for Leaders

God, give me wisdom to lead this conversation well. Help me to create safety without avoiding truth. Help me to listen more than I speak, and to trust you with outcomes I can't control. Give me eyes to see who might need extra care tonight, and courage to point them toward help. Guard my heart from taking on what isn't mine to carry, and remind me that your Spirit is the one doing the real work. Amen.