Own Your Time, Own Your Energy

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores how boundaries are essential for managing the only two resources every person truly has: time and energy. Without boundaries, our lives get controlled by whoever makes the most demands on us. With boundaries, we can direct our resources toward what actually matters.

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand that time and energy are their primary resources—and that stewarding them well is not selfish
2. Identify specific drains on their time and energy
3. Evaluate whether their "helping" is actually helping or enabling
4. Learn to ask better questions before committing their resources

Teaching Summary

The Two Things You Have

Every person is born with two fundamental resources: time and energy. Time is a collection of moments that add up to a life. Energy is the fuel—physical, mental, emotional, and relational—that powers what we do with that time.

Everything else we want in life—relationships, career success, health, spiritual growth—comes from how we invest these two resources. Money doesn't come first; people who build wealth do it by investing their time and energy wisely. Relationships don't happen by accident; they require the investment of time and energy. Even rest is an investment of time that restores energy.

Here's the problem: most people don't control how their time and energy get spent.

The Hijacked Steering Wheel

Picture yourself driving down a freeway toward a destination you've chosen—maybe a great relationship, a meaningful career, or a health goal. Now imagine that the steering wheel of your car is connected to the car in the next lane. Every time they turn, you turn. Every time they change direction, you follow.

That's what happens to people without boundaries around their time and energy. They have goals. They have dreams. But whoever makes demands on them ends up directing their lives. A request comes in, and they say yes. An obligation appears, and they comply. Someone needs help, and they drop everything.

The result? They end up not where they intended to go, but wherever life took them.

The Three Energy Sources

Energy doesn't just come from sleep (though sleep matters). There are three main sources of energy that need protection:

Relational energy: Some relationships fuel you; others drain you completely. The CEO who was losing energy wasn't lacking people—he was in meetings and conflict resolution all day. What he lacked was time with people who actually filled his tank. We need both giving and receiving. Constant outflow without inflow leads to depletion.

Physical energy: Your body is the engine. What you eat, how you move, how you sleep—all of this affects the energy you have available. The highest performers protect their physical energy fiercely. They schedule exercise, guard their sleep, and don't put high-demand activities right after energy-draining ones.

Mental/spiritual energy: Your thinking patterns either fuel or drain you. Worrying about things you can't control is an energy leak. Negative thinking shuts down creativity and motivation. Positive, purposeful thinking opens up possibilities.

When Helping Doesn't Help

People who are oriented toward serving others actually flourish more than people who don't give—research confirms this. But there's a catch: your helping has to actually help.

Many generous people spend enormous time and energy "helping" others, but the situation never improves. They're bailing someone out of a financial mess without requiring a budget. They're doing emotional labor for someone who won't take responsibility. They're solving problems that the other person keeps recreating.

This isn't helping—it's enabling. It's using your time and energy to help a problem continue. True helping asks: Will this investment actually produce growth and change? Or am I just making it easier for things to stay the same?

Asking Why and What

Before committing your time and energy, two questions matter:

Why am I doing this? What's the motive? Is it guilt? Fear of disappointing someone? Anxiety? Manipulation from someone else? Or is it genuine desire that aligns with your stated priorities? Toxic motives lead to resentment, even when the activity looks good on paper.

What will be the outcome? After this investment, what will you have? Will you feel refueled or depleted? Will it move you toward your goals or away from them? Will it produce actual value, or will it be time and energy that disappeared without return?

If you're watching TV to decompress after a hard day, that might be restorative. If you're watching TV to avoid something that makes you anxious, that's avoidance—and it will cost you, not restore you.

Tired vs. Burned Out

There's an important difference between tired and burned out.

Tired is quantitative. You worked hard, you expended energy, you need rest. And rest will cure it. This is normal and healthy.

Burnout is qualitative. Something is misaligned. Rest won't cure it because there's nothing to reignite. The research shows burnout often comes from:

• Disconnection: You're not connected to the people or purpose in what you're doing
• Loss of control: You feel like you have no choices, no agency over your own work or life
• Only negatives: There's no sense of progress, no wins, no positive feedback—just endless problems
• Living someone else's life: Your time and energy are being spent on someone else's agenda, not your own calling

If you're burned out, more vacation won't fix it. You need to address the underlying misalignment.

Discussion Questions

1. When you look at your calendar from the past two weeks, how much of it reflects your own priorities versus other people's requests? What does that tell you?

2. Think about the "hijacked steering wheel" image. Where in your life do you feel like someone else is directing where you go? What would it look like to take back control?

3. Dr. Cloud identifies three energy sources: relational, physical, and mental/spiritual. Which one are you most neglecting right now? What's one thing you could do to protect it?

[Facilitator note: Give people time to actually think about this. Resist the urge to move on quickly.]

4. Who or what in your life consistently drains your energy? Be specific—not just "work" but what about work? Not just "family" but what specifically?

5. On the flip side, who or what fills your tank? When did you last prioritize time with those people or activities?

6. Think about somewhere you're currently "helping" someone. Is that help actually producing change—or are you enabling a problem to continue? What's the honest answer?

[Facilitator note: This is a sensitive question. Allow silence. People may need time to confront uncomfortable truths.]

7. What typically motivates your "yes"? Is it usually desire, fear, guilt, or obligation? Can you think of a recent example?

8. Dr. Cloud distinguishes between being tired (rest cures it) and being burned out (something is misaligned). Which better describes where you are right now? What might be misaligned?

9. What's one thing you know you should say no to—but haven't? What's stopping you?

10. If you fully owned your time and energy for the next month, what would change? What would you start doing? What would you stop?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: Time and Energy Audit

Take 5-10 minutes to complete this audit honestly.

Time Audit Look at your past week. Estimate the hours spent in each category:

Now rank each category 1-5 by how important it is to you (1 = most important).

Reflection questions:

• Where is there a mismatch between time spent and importance ranked?
• What does this audit reveal about who's really controlling your time?

Exercise 2: Energy Drain Inventory

List your top 5 energy drains—the people, activities, or situations that consistently leave you depleted:

For each one, ask:

• Is this drain necessary and unavoidable?
• Could I put a boundary around when/how I engage with this?
• Am I scheduling high-demand activities right after this drain? Could I change that?

Exercise 3: Helping Evaluation

Think of one person or situation where you've been investing significant time and energy to "help."

Describe the situation: _________________________________

How long have you been helping? _________________________________

Has the situation measurably improved? _________________________________

If not, what would need to change for your help to actually help? _________________________________

What boundary might you need to set? _________________________________

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Chronic Rescuer

Marcus is exhausted. His adult son calls him every month with a financial crisis, and Marcus bails him out every time. His son promises to do better but never follows through. Marcus's wife says he's enabling, but Marcus says, "What am I supposed to do—let my son be homeless?" Marcus works overtime to cover the loans and has no energy left for anything else.

Discussion questions:

• Is Marcus's helping actually helping? What evidence supports your answer?
• What would truly loving help look like in this situation?
• What might Marcus be afraid of that keeps him in this pattern?

Scenario 2: The Volunteer Who Can't Say No

Angela is known at church as someone who always says yes. She's on three committees, teaches Sunday school, coordinates the food pantry, and just agreed to lead VBS. She's proud of her service but admits she hasn't had a real conversation with her husband in weeks, she's gained weight from stress eating, and she cried in her car last Sunday before going inside. When someone asked her to take on another role, she heard herself say, "Sure, I can do that."

Discussion questions:

• What do you think is driving Angela's pattern of saying yes?
• Is Angela serving God well by depleting herself this way? Why or why not?
• What would healthy boundaries look like for Angela while still being a generous person?

Scenario 3: The Depleted Caregiver

Tom has been caring for his father with dementia for two years. He visits daily, handles all medical appointments, and manages the finances. His siblings live out of town and rarely help. Tom hasn't exercised in months, his blood pressure is up, and he's been snapping at his kids. He knows he needs help but feels guilty asking—after all, his dad took care of him his whole life.

Discussion questions:

• What kind of burnout signs do you see in Tom?
• What beliefs or fears might be preventing Tom from getting support?
• What would sustainable caregiving look like for Tom?

Practice Assignments

Choose one or both of these experiments to try before the next session:

Experiment 1: The Motive Check

This week, before you say yes to any new commitment, pause and ask yourself two questions:

1. Why am I doing this? (What's my real motive—desire, guilt, fear, obligation?)
2. What will be the outcome? (Will I feel depleted or fulfilled? Will it produce real value?)

Keep a brief log of what you discover. You don't have to change anything yet—just notice.

Experiment 2: Protect One Energy Source

Choose one of the three energy sources (relational, physical, or mental/spiritual) and set one small boundary to protect it this week.

Examples:

• Schedule 30 minutes with someone who fills your tank
• Block out time for exercise and treat it as non-negotiable
• Set a timer to limit worry about things you can't control

What I will protect: _________________________________

The specific boundary I'm setting: _________________________________

After the week: What happened? How did it feel?

Closing Reflection

Read aloud or silently:

You have a finite amount of time and a finite amount of energy. These are the raw materials of your life—the only things you actually have to invest. How they get spent determines who you become and where you end up.

Taking ownership of your time and energy isn't selfish—it's stewardship. It's recognizing that you can't pour from an empty cup. It's understanding that saying no to some things is the only way to say a full yes to what matters most.

This week, pay attention to where your time and energy are going. Notice who and what fills you up versus drains you dry. Ask yourself the hard questions about whether your helping is helping. And consider: if you took back the steering wheel, where would you actually want to go?

Optional closing prayer prompt:

God, show me where I've been letting others direct my life instead of stewarding it well. Give me wisdom to know when to say yes and when to say no. Help me invest my time and energy in what truly matters—not out of guilt or fear, but out of purpose and love. And where I'm depleted, show me the path to restoration. Amen.