Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Own Your Time, Own Your Energy

Purpose of This Resource

This session addresses something many people in church settings struggle with: the belief that taking care of their time and energy is selfish. The goal is to help participants understand that stewardship of their resources is not only acceptable but essential—and that boundaries around time and energy are how they can show up fully for what God has called them to.

What success looks like for a leader in this session:

• Participants feel permission to take their own needs seriously
• At least some participants identify specific drains they've been ignoring
• The group has honest conversation about enabling vs. helping
• Nobody leaves feeling shamed for struggling with this
• Participants have concrete next steps, not just inspiration

Group Dynamics to Watch For

Resistance: "This sounds selfish"

What it looks like: Someone pushes back that Christians are supposed to serve, that thinking about your own time and energy is worldly, or that this contradicts what they've been taught about laying down your life for others.

How to respond:

• Acknowledge the tension—it's real. Service matters deeply.
• Ask: "What happens to your service when you're completely depleted? Who does that help?"
• Point out that even Jesus withdrew to rest and pray. He had limits on his time while on earth.
• Reframe: this isn't about becoming selfish; it's about sustainable giving from a full tank versus unsustainable giving until you crash.
• Suggested language: "Stewardship applies to our time and energy too. If you run yourself into the ground, you won't have anything left to give. That's not more virtuous—it just means you'll burn out."

Guilt and Shame

What it looks like: Someone shares how depleted they are with obvious shame. They may apologize for not "having it together" or compare themselves negatively to others who seem to manage better.

How to respond:

• Normalize the struggle: "This is incredibly common. You're not failing—you're human."
• Don't fix it immediately. Let them feel heard first.
• Avoid toxic positivity ("You're doing great!") if they're clearly not doing great.
• Gently redirect from self-blame to practical next steps: "What's one small thing that might help?"

Over-disclosure / Trauma Dumping

What it looks like: Someone uses the discussion as an opportunity to unload everything they're overwhelmed by—chronic health issues, family crises, financial stress, relational conflict—all at once, without filtering.

How to respond:

• Interrupt gently but clearly: "Thank you for trusting us with this. That's a lot to be carrying."
• Acknowledge the weight without diving into problem-solving: "I can hear how exhausted you are."
• Set a boundary on the group's behalf: "I want to make sure others have a chance to share too. Can we continue this conversation after the session?"
• Privately follow up to see if they need additional support.

Intellectualizing

What it looks like: Someone talks about these concepts abstractly—"Yes, boundaries are important"—without ever applying it to their own life. They may even teach the material back to the group while avoiding any personal vulnerability.

How to respond:

• Ask a direct, personal question: "Where do you see this showing up in your own life?"
• Use the reflection exercises to move from theory to application.
• If they redirect back to abstractions, gently say: "I'm curious what this looks like for you specifically."

Blaming Others

What it looks like: Someone focuses entirely on how other people drain them—their spouse, their boss, their family—without examining their own role in saying yes, enabling, or failing to set boundaries.

How to respond:

• Validate the frustration: "It sounds like you're dealing with some really draining dynamics."
• Redirect to ownership: "What do you have control over in that situation?"
• Ask: "When you say yes to requests that drain you, what's driving that?"
• Gently point out: "Boundaries are about what we can control—our own responses and choices."

Comparing Pain

What it looks like: Someone minimizes their struggle because someone else has it worse. Or they compete with others about who's more depleted.

How to respond:

• Shut down comparison gently: "Your exhaustion counts regardless of what anyone else is dealing with."
• Remind the group: "We're not here to rank our struggles. We're here to find a better path forward."

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to redirect:

• Advice-giving from group members to each other (unless specifically invited). Use language like: "Let's focus on hearing each other rather than fixing each other."
• Judgmental comments about other people's choices around time and energy. "Remember, we don't know the full picture of anyone's situation."
• Any implication that someone should feel bad about their current state. This is about moving forward, not adding guilt.

What NOT to force or push:

• Don't push people to name specific people they resent or feel drained by if they seem uncomfortable.
• Don't require everyone to share during the sensitive questions (like who's an energy drain).
• Don't push toward immediate change. This is awareness-building. Behavior change takes time.

Your posture as facilitator:

• You are a facilitator, not a therapist. You're creating space for insight, not diagnosing or treating.
• You don't need to have answers for everyone's specific situations.
• Your job is to hold space, ask good questions, and keep the conversation safe and moving.

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"This means I should stop helping people."

Correction: No—this means you should help wisely. Dr. Cloud's research shows that people who give actually flourish more than people who don't. The issue isn't helping; it's helping in ways that don't help, or helping until you're depleted. The goal is sustainable, effective generosity—not isolation or selfishness.

Suggested language: "The goal isn't to stop giving—it's to give in ways that actually produce good fruit, and to give from fullness rather than emptiness."

"I just need to try harder / manage my time better."

Correction: This isn't primarily a productivity issue. Time management tools help, but if you can't say no, if your helping enables rather than helps, if your boundaries are porous—no app or calendar hack will save you. This is about ownership and limits, not efficiency.

Suggested language: "Time management assumes you control what goes on your calendar. But if you say yes to everything, you've already lost. This is about deciding what deserves your time before the requests come in."

"My situation is different—I really can't say no."

Correction: Sometimes this is true (single parents, caregivers with no support). Acknowledge the real constraints. But often this belief is driven by fear, guilt, or assumptions that haven't been tested. Help participants distinguish between actual constraints and perceived constraints.

Suggested language: "What happens if you don't say yes? What's the worst case? Is that realistic, or is it a fear?"

"Self-care is selfish."

Correction: This is perhaps the most common misunderstanding. Self-care is stewardship. It's recognizing that you can't serve from an empty tank. It's ensuring you have something to give by not giving yourself away completely. Even caregivers need to care for themselves—not instead of caring for others, but so they can continue caring for others.

Suggested language: "If you never refuel, eventually you stop running. That doesn't help anyone. Self-care isn't selfish—it's what makes sustained service possible."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs that someone may need more than this group can provide:

• Chronic exhaustion that doesn't improve with rest: May indicate depression, medical issues, or severe burnout requiring professional intervention.
• Unable to identify any sources of joy or energy: May suggest depression or anhedonia that warrants professional assessment.
• Trapped in a caregiver role with no support: May need respite care resources, social worker involvement, or other systemic support.
• Enabling patterns involving addiction: Family members of addicts need specialized support (Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, counseling).
• Signs of abuse: If someone's time and energy are being controlled by an abusive partner or family member, they need safety planning and professional help.

How to have that conversation:

• Privately, after the session: "What you shared today really stood out to me. It sounds like you're carrying a lot."
• Normalize: "This seems like something bigger than what a small group can address."
• Suggest without prescribing: "Have you thought about talking to a counselor who specializes in this? I think they could help you go deeper than we can here."
• Offer to help connect: "Would it be helpful if I found some resources or names for you?"

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested time allocation for a 75-minute session:

Which questions to prioritize if time is short:

• Question 3 (three energy sources—which are you neglecting?)
• Question 6 (is your helping actually helping?)
• Question 9 (what should you say no to?)

Where to expect the conversation to get stuck:

• The "helping that doesn't help" discussion can surface painful family situations. Allow space but keep moving.
• The "what should you say no to" question may produce uncomfortable silence. That's okay—the silence is productive. Don't fill it too quickly.
• Some participants will resist the entire premise. Acknowledge the tension without getting derailed by debate.

Leader Encouragement

This topic hits close to home for many leaders. If you're leading this session while running on empty yourself, you're not alone—and you're not disqualified. Sometimes the best facilitators are the ones who understand the struggle from the inside.

You don't need to have perfect boundaries to lead this conversation. You just need to be honest, create safety, and point people toward truth.

A few things to remember:

• You're not responsible for fixing everyone's schedule or boundaries. Your job is to create space for awareness and conversation.
• Some participants will resist this message. That's okay. Plant seeds.
• Not everyone will make changes immediately. That's okay too. This is a process.
• Your consistency in showing up matters more than your perfection. Creating a safe space week after week is the most important thing you do.

Take care of yourself this week too. Practice what you're preaching—even imperfectly.