Narcissism

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores narcissism — what it is, what it's like to be in relationship with narcissistic people, and how to navigate those relationships wisely. Dr. Cloud provides a comprehensive look across three key areas: understanding narcissism, handling narcissistic relationships, and spotting narcissism before getting deeply involved.

This is emotionally loaded content. Many participants will recognize their own relationships in this material. The goal is clarity and wisdom — not despair, and not oversimplified answers.

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand what narcissism is and recognize its markers
2. Know the difference between types of narcissists (malignant vs. wounded)
3. Have practical strategies for navigating narcissistic relationships
4. Know how to spot narcissism before deep involvement
5. Understand when professional help or major decisions may be needed

Note: This content is rich enough for two sessions. Consider Part 1 (understanding and navigating) and Part 2 (spotting and avoiding).

Teaching Summary

Part 1: What Is Narcissism?

At the core of narcissism is a sense of being "special." Narcissistic people don't consciously think "I'm better than everyone" — it's deeper than that. They simply approach life as if they deserve different treatment, different consideration, different rules. They're not one among equals; they're the sun around which others orbit.

This shows up in predictable ways:

• Entitlement: They expect special privileges and react with injury or rage when they don't get them
• Need for admiration: They require constant recognition of how special they are
• Lack of empathy: They don't attune to others' feelings or needs — there's no awareness of the other person as a real, separate individual
• Emotional dysregulation: They can't handle feedback without either wounding or attacking
• Grandiosity: Everything they do is unique, unprecedented, special

What does it feel like to be on the other end? You feel invisible. You feel like you exist for them. You walk on eggshells. Any criticism triggers defensive rage. You start to wonder if you're crazy.

Part 2: Not All Narcissists Are the Same

Dr. Cloud distinguishes between two very different types:

The Malignant Narcissist: This person is truly grandiose, envious, and willing to hurt others. They tear down what they can't have. They dispose of people. When they're exposed, they attack. They want to rule — and anyone in the way is a problem to eliminate.

The Wounded Narcissist: This person is defending against deep shame. Underneath the need to be special is a frightened, invisible child who never experienced real love. They built the specialness to survive, but it's covering profound insecurity. This person can often change when they find safety to be vulnerable.

The approach is different:

• With the wounded narcissist: empathy can reach them
• With the malignant narcissist: only strong limits (consequences, humbling) have any chance

Part 3: How to Handle a Narcissist

Step 1: Normalize your feelings. You feel invisible, unfulfilled, criticized, on edge. Don't see this as "something's wrong with me." See it as "I'm in a rainstorm." This is what narcissistic relationships feel like.

Step 2: Get support in the service of the relationship. Don't just find someone who will tell you to leave. Find someone — a therapist, wise friend, pastor — who can help you navigate wisely. Someone who will support you whether you stay or go.

Step 3: Try giving feedback with empathy. When they get defensive, instead of pushing harder, try: "Gosh, did that hurt? I didn't mean to make you feel criticized. I just want us to find a way forward." You're trying to reach the vulnerability, not win the argument.

Step 4: Set limits on attack behavior. Empathy doesn't mean tolerating abuse. If they attack: "I want to talk about this, but not while you're screaming. I'm going to step away." Don't take abuse. Don't enable rage.

Step 5: Give love and limits together. The key insight: most narcissists have never received love and limits at the same time. They got adoration (which fed the narcissism) or rejection (which they defended against). What heals is both: "I care about you AND I won't be treated this way."

Part 4: The Narcissism Test — How to Spot It

Dr. Cloud offers several markers:

Tune into your feelings. After spending time with them, do you feel drained? Less than? Like everything was about them? Trust that.

Watch for self-centeredness. Every conversation circles back to them. Every story becomes their story. Every situation is about their needs.

Look for vulnerability and learning. Do they ever admit weakness? Take feedback gracefully? Talk about areas they're working on? Or is everything always someone else's fault?

Use the "swine test." Say no to something they want. What happens? A person with character accepts the no. A narcissist acts wounded or enraged — how dare you not serve their specialness.

Check their relationships. Do they have long-term friendships? Normal people who love them? Or is everyone either famous/powerful or disposable?

Watch how they treat "little people." Servers, assistants, people with no power. Character shows when there's nothing to gain.

Part 5: Check Yourself

Sometimes we're drawn to narcissists because we have our own issues:

• We want to feel special by association
• We're attracted to image over character
• We're looking for someone to complete us rather than someone to partner with

The best defense against narcissism is character — yours. When you're rooted in your own worth, when you value love over admiration, when you're looking for real over impressive — you're much less likely to get hooked.

Discussion Questions

1. Before this session, what was your understanding of narcissism? How does what you learned today match or differ from that?

2. Dr. Cloud says narcissistic people approach life as if they deserve "special" treatment. Where have you seen this dynamic — in family, work, church, or other contexts?

3. What does it feel like to be in relationship with someone narcissistic? If you've experienced this (you don't need to name the person), what are the emotions and patterns?

4. Dr. Cloud distinguishes between malignant narcissists and wounded narcissists. Why does that distinction matter? How might it change your approach?

5. The concept of being a "self-object" — existing to serve another person's emotional needs rather than being seen as a separate person — is painful. Have you experienced this? What was it like?

6. Dr. Cloud says narcissists have never received love and limits at the same time. What does that mean? Why is that combination so important?

7. The "swine test" is using the word "no" to see how someone responds. Have you ever seen someone's true character revealed by how they handled a boundary? [Leader note: Keep this general, not naming specific people.]

8. Why are narcissistic people often so attractive initially? What draws us in?

9. Dr. Cloud talks about checking ourselves — sometimes we're attracted to narcissists because of our own issues. What might "narcissism-seeking behavior" look like? How do we address it?

10. What does it mean to pursue love over admiration, real over impressive? What would that look like in how you choose relationships?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: Relationship Inventory

Think about a difficult relationship in your life (past or present). You don't need to share details. Reflect privately:

If several of these markers are present, you may be dealing with narcissism. Consider what that means for how you navigate the relationship.

Exercise 2: The Attraction Check

Honestly reflect on what draws you to certain people:

• Am I attracted to image, success, or impressiveness?
• Do I want to feel special by being with someone "special"?
• Am I looking for someone to complete me rather than partner with me?
• Do I value character as much as chemistry?
• Have I ignored red flags because someone seemed exciting?

If you recognize patterns of being drawn to narcissistic people, that's not shame — it's data. What would change if you prioritized character over charm?

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Sensitive Spouse

Every time Anna brings up something that bothered her, her husband Jake gets defensive. "Why are you always criticizing me? Nothing I do is ever good enough for you." She ends up apologizing just to end the argument. Later, she wonders if she's being too sensitive.

Discussion Questions:

• What narcissistic pattern might be at play here?
• What would empathy plus limits look like in this situation?
• How could Anna respond differently next time?

Scenario 2: The Charming Colleague

David is the star of the team — brilliant, charismatic, everyone's favorite in meetings. But you've noticed that when projects fail, it's always someone else's fault. When he gets credit, he's gracious; when he doesn't, he's wounded. And the junior staff seem nervous around him.

Discussion Questions:

• What are the narcissistic markers in this situation?
• How might this person's public persona differ from their private behavior?
• What would "nardar" (narcissism radar) look like in evaluating someone like this?

Scenario 3: The Aging Parent

Rachel's mother has always needed to be the center of attention. Family gatherings revolve around her. Any time Rachel sets a boundary, her mother cries and says "I guess I'm just a terrible mother." Rachel feels guilty every time she tries to establish her own life.

Discussion Questions:

• What pattern is Rachel's mother using?
• Why is it particularly hard to navigate narcissism in a parent?
• What might health look like for Rachel — even if her mother doesn't change?

Practice Assignments

Assignment 1: Tune Into Your Feelings

This week, after interactions with key people in your life, notice how you feel:

• Energized or drained?
• Seen or invisible?
• Like an equal or like a supporting character in their story?

Don't judge yet — just notice. Your feelings are data.

Assignment 2: The "No" Experiment

Find a low-stakes opportunity to say no to someone — declining an invitation, not doing a favor, setting a small boundary. Notice how they respond:

• Do they accept it gracefully?
• Do they guilt you, pressure you, or act wounded?
• Does the relationship feel different afterward?

What does their response tell you about who they are?

Closing Reflection

Dr. Cloud makes an important observation: humans weren't created to be worshipped. If we were, celebrities would be the happiest people in the world. But look at the tabloids — the people who are most admired are often the most miserable.

That's because admiration doesn't satisfy. Love does. Real connection does. Being known and accepted as you actually are — not idealized, not worshipped — that's what humans need.

Narcissistic people are chasing admiration when what they really need is love. And if you're in relationship with them, you may be giving and giving while getting almost nothing back.

You deserve more than being someone's self-object. You deserve real relationship — to be seen, known, and valued. Whether that means learning to navigate this relationship differently, or choosing a necessary ending, or building new relationships rooted in mutuality — love is better than admiration.

Closing Prayer (Optional)

God, thank you for creating us for real relationship — to be known and loved as we actually are. For those of us in relationships where we feel invisible, give us wisdom to navigate well. For those of us who recognize patterns of narcissism in people we love, help us find the balance of empathy and limits. And for all of us, help us pursue love over admiration, character over charm, and real connection over impressive performance. Amen.

Resources

If you're in a relationship that feels unsafe or abusive, please reach out:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Narcissistic abuse can be subtle but serious. You don't have to navigate it alone.