Marriage Maintenance

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — what lands, what you want to skip past, what makes you think of your spouse instead of yourself.

• When things go wrong in your marriage, is your first instinct to think about what your spouse should change — rather than what you could change?

• Do you and your spouse avoid certain topics because honesty feels too risky — so you keep the peace by keeping things surface-level?

• Has your heart drifted — not necessarily to another person, but maybe to work, hobbies, your phone, or your kids — so that your spouse gets what's left over rather than what's best?

• When your spouse fails you, do you hold it over them? Do they know exactly how to get back to good standing with you, or do they feel like they're always on probation?

• Do you find yourself saying "fine" when you're not fine, or "I don't care" when you do — because it's easier than being honest?

• Are you trying to control your spouse's behavior instead of focusing on your own?

• When conflict comes, do you shut down, walk away, get defensive, or go on the attack — instead of staying in it together?

• Do you evaluate your marriage based on how you feel right now — happy means it's working, unhappy means something's fundamentally wrong?

• Is there a version of your marriage you show other people that doesn't match what's actually happening at home?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them. Let them work on you over days, not minutes.

• If someone watched a hidden camera of your marriage for a week — not the Sunday morning version, but the Tuesday night version — what values would they see actually operating?

• The most common prayer in marriage is "God, fix him" or "God, fix her." What if the answer to that prayer is "Start with yourself"? What would you need to face about yourself?

• When your spouse hurts you, what do you do? Do you stoop down to meet them with compassion, or do you stand over them with judgment? What would change if you remembered that you've needed forgiveness too?

• Where has dishonesty crept in — not necessarily lying, but withholding? What's the last 10% you haven't told your spouse? What would it cost you to say it? What is it costing you not to?

• Is your heart turned toward your spouse — or has it drifted? Before you answer that about them, answer it about yourself. Where is your heart actually facing?

• If you knew — really knew — that you were in this for life, what would you stop doing? What would you start?

• What would your marriage look like in a year if both of you decided to value wholeness — if personal growth became a shared priority instead of something one of you does alone?

• If your spouse could ask you for one thing and know you'd actually hear it, what do you think they'd ask for?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens — in you, and between you.

Week 1: Notice Your Horseman

For one week, pay attention to your own behavior in conflict — not your spouse's. Every time tension rises, notice: Am I criticizing (attacking character)? Getting contemptuous (eye-rolling, superiority)? Defensive (deflecting, making excuses)? Stonewalling (shutting down, saying "fine")? Don't try to change anything yet. Just track it. At the end of the week, write down which one you default to and what triggers it.

Week 2: Tell the Last 10%

Identify one thing you've been withholding from your spouse — a feeling, a fear, a disappointment, a need. Not the big scary thing (unless you're ready). Just something you've been holding back because it felt easier. Tell them — not as an accusation, but as an act of honesty: "I want us to be standing on solid ground, so I need to tell you something I've been holding back." Notice what happens to the space between you.

Week 3: The Daily "For You" Check

Each morning, pause for 30 seconds and ask yourself: "What would it look like to be for my spouse today?" Not a grand gesture. Something specific — listening without fixing, asking about their day and meaning it, doing something that makes their life easier. Do that one thing. Don't announce it. Don't keep score. At the end of each day, ask yourself: Did they know someone had their back today?

Week 4: Stoop, Don't Stand

The next time your spouse disappoints you — and they will — pause before you respond. Ask yourself: "Am I about to stand over them with judgment, or stoop down with compassion?" Choose to stoop. Say something like: "That hurt, and I want to talk about it. But I'm choosing to be with you in this, not against you." Notice what happens to the conversation when you lead with compassion instead of contempt.

Week 5: The Values Conversation

Set aside 30 unhurried minutes. Go through the six values together — self-control, love, honesty, faithfulness, compassion/forgiveness, wholeness. For each one, both of you answer: Where are we strong? Where do we need work? What's one thing we could each do differently? The goal isn't to fix everything in one conversation. It's to name what matters and start building a shared framework.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Scorekeeper

David and Lisa have been married twelve years. They rarely have big fights, but there's a quiet tension that never fully resolves. Whenever David brings up something that bothers him, Lisa responds with a past offense of his: "Well, what about the time you ___?" Nothing ever gets resolved because every conversation becomes a scorecard comparison. Both feel like they can never get back to good standing.

What value is missing here? What would compassion and forgiveness actually look like — not as a theory, but as something David or Lisa could do this week? What would need to change for either of them to stop keeping score?

Scenario 2: The Workaholic

Rachel feels invisible. Her husband James is devoted, faithful in the traditional sense, and a good provider. But his best energy goes to his job. He talks about work with passion. He talks about their marriage with obligation. She's started to wonder if she's the mistress and work is the wife. When she brings it up, James says, "I'm doing this for us." Rachel doesn't feel like it's for her at all.

Is James being unfaithful — and in what sense? What might be driving his orientation toward work? If you were Rachel, what would you say? If you were James, what would you need to hear?

Scenario 3: The Hidden Truth

Maria knows something is off with their finances but doesn't know what. Her husband Carlos always handles the money and gets defensive when she asks questions. She's found bills he didn't mention. She doesn't think he's being malicious — she thinks he's ashamed. But she feels like she's living on quicksand. She told a friend, "I could deal with anything if I just knew what reality was."

What's the difference between Carlos protecting Maria and Carlos hiding from her? What would honesty — the "last 10%" kind — look like here? What would Maria need to say to open the door without making Carlos feel attacked?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• What did your parents' marriage teach you — spoken or unspoken — about how marriage works? What did you absorb about conflict, love, honesty, and commitment? How much of that are you recreating?

• When was your marriage at its best? What was different about that season? What values were operating that may have faded?

• What's a failure in your marriage — yours, not your spouse's — that you've never fully owned? What kept you from owning it?

Looking Inward

• Which of the six values most needs your attention right now? Be specific — what would living that value more fully actually look like this week?

• When your spouse hurts you or disappoints you, what happens inside you? Do you go cold? Defensive? Passive-aggressive? Judgmental? Withdrawn? Where did you learn that response?

• Be honest: which way is your heart facing right now? Toward your spouse — or has it drifted? What would it take to turn back?

Looking Forward

• If your marriage became everything you deeply want it to be, what would it look like? Not a fantasy — but a real vision of two imperfect people living out these values together.

• What's one thing you could stop doing that would immediately make your marriage better? Not what your spouse should stop. What should you stop?

• Write a letter to your spouse — one you may or may not give them. Tell them what you value about the marriage. Tell them what you're afraid of. Tell them what you want to change about yourself. Be honest about where your heart has been, and where you want it to go.