Listening

A Quick Guide

Overview

Think about the last conversation you wanted to escape from. What was happening? Chances are, the other person wasn't listening. Every time you said something, they interrupted. Or they used your words as a springboard to talk about themselves. You didn't feel like you were even there—or at least, you didn't feel like you were in the relationship.

That feeling matters, because what was missing wasn't just information transfer. What was missing was connection. And without listening, there is no connection.

Listening is not a passive activity. It's not waiting for your turn to talk. It's the active work of trying to understand another person—really understand them—before you respond. And when you do that, something shifts. Trust builds. Conflicts de-escalate. Problems that seemed impossible to solve start to become workable.

What Usually Goes Wrong

We listen to respond, not to understand. While the other person is talking, we're already formulating our answer. We're not fully present—we're preparing.

We interrupt. Something they say triggers a thought, and we jump in before they're finished. The message: what I have to say is more important than what you're saying.

We redirect to ourselves. They share something, and we respond with our own story. "Oh yeah, when I was in college..." They're no longer the subject; we are.

We fix before we understand. Someone shares a problem and we immediately offer solutions. But they don't feel heard—they feel dismissed. The advice may be good, but it lands wrong because understanding wasn't established first.

We defend, excuse, or blame. When someone tells us how our actions affected them, we launch into justification. We're so busy defending ourselves that we never actually receive what they're trying to communicate.

We think understanding means agreeing. So we resist understanding because we don't want to concede the point. But understanding and agreeing are two different things.

What Health Looks Like

A healthy listener:

Puts down their agenda to attend to the other person. The goal in this moment isn't to be heard—it's to understand.

Listens for content, feelings, and consequences. Every communication has three dimensions: what happened, how they feel about it, and what it means for them. Good listeners attend to all three.

Closes the loop. You don't understand someone when you understand them. You understand someone when they understand that you understand. The goal is for them to say, "Yes! That's exactly it."

Creates safety through understanding. When someone feels understood, their entire system calms down. They become less defensive, more open, more able to solve problems together.

Moves from opposite sides of the table to the same side. Good listening transforms the dynamic from adversarial (me vs. you) to collaborative (us vs. the problem).

Key Principles

• Connection requires listening. Without it, there is no real relationship—just two people in the same room talking past each other.

• Understanding creates safety. When people feel understood, they feel cared for. Their defenses drop. Trust becomes possible.

• The loop must close. You haven't truly listened until the other person feels heard. "You understand me" is not the same as "I understand you."

• Empathy calms the system. The neurochemistry is real. When someone feels understood, their brain shifts from threat mode to connection mode.

• Proverbs says it's foolish to answer before you understand. Wisdom begins with listening. Answers given without understanding are answers that miss the mark.

• Listening isn't agreement. You can fully understand someone's perspective and still disagree with it. Understanding first simply means you've done the work to actually know what you're disagreeing with.

• Every communication has three parts. Content (what happened), feelings (how they feel about it), and consequences (what it means for them). Attend to all three.

Practical Application

The Basic Formula

When someone shares something with you, respond with some version of:

"It sounds like when [content], you felt [feeling], and it [consequence]."

For example:

• "It sounds like when I didn't turn in that report, it was frustrating for you and it screwed up your whole day."
• "It sounds like when you went through that surgery, it really hurt and disrupted everything."
• "It sounds like what's bothering you here isn't the schedule itself—it's that you didn't have a say in it."

When you get it right, they'll say something like "Yes!" or "Exactly." That's the loop closing.

What to Avoid

When someone is sharing something important:

• Don't interrupt to add your perspective
• Don't deflect to a related story about yourself
• Don't offer solutions until they feel heard
• Don't defend, excuse, or justify (especially if it's about something you did)
• Don't minimize or rush past their feelings

All of these behaviors make the conversation about you. The other person gets lost in the process. They remain alone.

This Week:

1. In your next significant conversation, focus entirely on understanding before responding. Notice how hard this is. Notice what happens when you succeed.

2. Practice the formula. "It sounds like when _____, you felt _____, and it _____." Use it at least once this week.

3. When you catch yourself preparing a response while someone is talking, mentally set it aside. Come back to attending.

4. Ask one clarifying question before you offer any opinion. "Tell me more about that" or "What was that like for you?"

Common Questions & Misconceptions

"But what if I disagree with what they're saying?"

You can disagree and still listen first. Understanding someone's perspective doesn't mean you accept it as true or right. It means you've actually taken time to know what they're saying before you respond to it. That's basic respect—and it makes your disagreement more credible when you get there.

"Doesn't all this listening mean I never get to share my perspective?"

No. Understanding first doesn't mean understanding only. After someone feels heard, they're far more open to hearing you. The goal isn't to suppress yourself—it's to establish connection before attempting to be understood.

"What if I listen and they just keep going forever?"

Listening doesn't mean you have no boundaries. It's appropriate to say, "I want to make sure I understand you. Let me reflect back what I'm hearing so far..." This actually speeds up the conversation because it confirms understanding along the way.

"This feels manipulative—like a technique."

It can feel mechanical at first. But the goal isn't to fake empathy—it's to actually develop it. The formula is training wheels. Over time, genuine curiosity and care become more natural.

"What if I'm the one who never gets listened to?"

That's a real and painful experience. Learning to listen well doesn't obligate you to stay in relationships where no one listens to you. It gives you the skill—but the skill is only half the equation. You also need people who will offer you the same.

Closing Encouragement

Most of us overestimate how well we listen. We think we're taking in what others say, but we're actually filtering it through our agenda, our defensiveness, or our desire to be helpful. The other person feels it, even if they can't name it.

The good news is that listening is a learnable skill. It gets better with practice. And the payoff is significant: deeper relationships, resolved conflicts, and the profound experience of truly knowing and being known.

One of the most loving things you can do for another person is put down your agenda and simply try to understand them. Not fix them. Not persuade them. Just understand.

Start there. Everything else becomes possible after that.