Listening

Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Purpose of This Resource

This session teaches listening as a learnable skill—the foundation of connection and trust. Success looks like participants:

• Understanding that listening creates safety and opens the door to trust
• Learning the three components of communication (content, feelings, consequences)
• Practicing the empathic listening formula in pairs
• Identifying their own barriers to listening well
• Leaving with a specific practice commitment

Your role as facilitator is to model good listening throughout the session while guiding participants through the teaching and practice exercises. This is a skill-building session—the pair exercise is the heart of it.

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. The Advice-Giver

What it looks like: During discussions or the practice exercise, someone keeps jumping to solutions, suggestions, or fixes instead of reflecting back what they heard.

How to respond: Gently redirect: "I notice you're moving toward solving the problem. For this exercise, let's stay with understanding first. What did you hear them say about how they feel?"

2. The Deflector

What it looks like: When it's their turn to share during the pairs exercise, they keep it extremely surface-level or redirect attention back to their partner.

How to respond: If it's during the exercise, their partner can gently prompt: "Can you tell me a little more?" If it persists, don't force it—but during debrief, you might note: "Some of us found it easier to listen than to be listened to. What's that about?"

3. The Interrupter

What it looks like: Someone can't resist jumping in before others finish—during discussion or during the practice exercise.

How to respond: Set clear expectations before the pairs exercise: "The listener's job is to be completely silent while the other person shares. No sounds, no 'mm-hmms,' no finishing their sentences. Just attend." If interrupting happens during group discussion, gently hold the space: "Let's let [name] finish their thought."

4. The Analyzer

What it looks like: Someone keeps the conversation intellectual—discussing the psychology of listening, comparing theories, staying in their head rather than practicing or sharing personally.

How to respond: Appreciate the insight, then redirect: "That's a helpful framework. Where do you see yourself in this? What's your own experience with listening—or not being listened to?"

5. The One Who Feels Unheard

What it looks like: Someone shares, with emotion, that they've been trying to be heard for years and no one listens. The session surfaces grief about not being listened to.

How to respond: This is valid and important. Don't rush past it. "That sounds really painful—wanting to be heard and not getting it. Thank you for sharing that." If time allows, you might ask the group: "What's it like to hear that?" This can model the very listening the session teaches.

6. Awkwardness in the Pairs Exercise

What it looks like: Nervous laughter, people not knowing what to say, discomfort with the structure.

How to respond: Normalize it before you begin: "This might feel awkward at first. That's okay—it means you're trying something new. Lean into the awkwardness." After the exercise, debrief it: "What was uncomfortable about that? What did you notice?"

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

Critiquing someone's sharing: If during the pairs exercise debrief someone says "Well, you didn't really seem that upset about it," redirect: "Let's focus on our own experience. What was it like for you to listen?"

Turning it into a competition: If someone says "I'm actually a really good listener—people tell me that all the time," redirect gently: "That's great. One thing this session invites us to do is examine even our strengths. Where might there be room to grow?"

Giving advice during debrief: If someone starts telling their partner what they should do about the thing they shared, redirect: "Let's stay with the listening piece for now. The goal isn't to solve—it's to understand."

What NOT to Push

• Don't push someone to share something vulnerable during the pairs exercise if they're not ready.
• Don't push someone to admit they're a poor listener if they're defensive about it.
• Don't push for deep emotional processing—this is primarily a skills session.

Holding Space Without Becoming a Therapist

This session is about skill-building, not deep emotional processing. However, the topic of listening can surface grief about not being heard—especially in significant relationships. If that happens, acknowledge it with empathy, but don't try to resolve it in the group. You might say: "That's really important, and it sounds like there's more there than we can fully address tonight. Would you be open to talking more after the session?"

Facilitating the Pairs Exercise

The listening pairs exercise is the heart of this session. Here's how to set it up well:

Before the Exercise

1. Pair people intentionally if needed. If someone seems particularly anxious, pair them with someone warm and safe. Avoid pairing spouses or close friends—the exercise works better with some relational distance.

2. Set clear expectations:

   • Partner A shares something real but not too heavy (2-3 minutes)
   • Partner B listens without interrupting—no words, no sounds
   • When A is done, B reflects back using the formula
   • A responds: Did B capture it?
   • Then switch

3. Model the formula: Before they begin, demonstrate what a good reflection sounds like: "It sounds like when [content], you felt [feeling], and it [consequence]."

4. Normalize awkwardness: "This will feel mechanical at first. That's okay. You're building a new muscle."

During the Exercise

• Walk around quietly. Don't hover, but be available if pairs get stuck.
• If you hear someone jumping to advice, gently redirect.
• Keep rough track of time—signal when it's time to switch.

After the Exercise (Debrief)

Ask questions like:

• "What was it like to be listened to without interruption?"
• "What was hard about just listening—not responding, not fixing?"
• "Did anyone experience the loop closing—that moment when they felt truly heard?"
• "What did you learn about yourself?"

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"I'm already a good listener."

Correction: "Most of us overestimate how well we listen. The question isn't whether we hear words—it's whether the other person feels understood. That's a higher bar."

"This formula seems fake/mechanical."

Correction: "It might feel mechanical at first—that's normal when learning any new skill. The formula is training wheels. Over time, genuine curiosity and empathy become more natural. But even the formula, done sincerely, is better than the default of interrupting, fixing, or deflecting."

"Listening means I never get to share my perspective."

Correction: "Understanding first doesn't mean understanding only. After someone feels heard, they're much more open to hearing you. This isn't about suppressing yourself—it's about sequencing. Understand first, then respond."

"Some people just talk too much—I can't listen forever."

Correction: "Listening well doesn't mean you have no boundaries. It's appropriate to say, 'Let me make sure I understand you so far...' and reflect back. That actually helps the conversation move forward."

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Total session time: 60-75 minutes

Priority Questions If Time Is Short:

• Question 1 (someone who makes you feel heard)
• Question 4 (your default when someone shares a problem)
• Question 7 (what makes listening hard for you)

Where the Conversation May Get Stuck:

• Self-assessment: People may resist admitting they're not great listeners. Don't force it—ask about specific situations rather than general self-evaluation.
• The formula: Some may find it too mechanical. Acknowledge that and encourage them to try it anyway.
• Pairs exercise logistics: Be clear about timing and structure so people don't flounder.

Leader Encouragement

Here's the irony: facilitating a session on listening requires you to listen well. This is actually an opportunity—you get to model the very thing you're teaching.

When someone shares, resist the urge to immediately add commentary or move to the next question. Let there be a beat of silence. Reflect back what you heard. Let them feel gotten before you move on.

You don't have to be a perfect listener to lead this session. In fact, your own struggles with listening—your tendency to interrupt, fix, or zone out—make you relatable. You might briefly share one of your own listening failures as a way to normalize the struggle.

The pairs exercise can feel risky—what if it's awkward? What if people don't like it? That's okay. Awkwardness is part of learning. Your job is to create a safe-enough container for people to try something new.

Trust the process. Trust that even imperfect practice moves people forward.