Hope: Understanding What Drives You Forward

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores how hope functions in our lives — as the fuel that drives our action, and sometimes as a trap that keeps us stuck. We'll examine where our hope is well-placed and where it might need to be reevaluated. We'll also explore the surprising gift of strategic hopelessness: recognizing when an approach isn't working so we can find one that will.

Session Goals:

1. Understand how hope drives behavior ("hope spends time")
2. Learn to distinguish between hope (grounded expectation) and wishing (desire without evidence)
3. Explore where strategic hopelessness might free up energy for better paths
4. Practice asking for evidence rather than accepting promises alone

Note: This session touches on situations where people may be investing hope in relationships or circumstances that are painful. Create space for honesty without pressuring anyone to share more than they're comfortable with.

Teaching Summary

Hope Is the Engine of Life

There's a saying about how long we can survive without food, how long without water — but the time we can survive without hope is even shorter. When hopelessness sets in, everything stops.

This isn't metaphor. It's how we're wired. Hope activates us. It gets us out of bed. It moves us toward tomorrow. Without an expectation that something good is possible — air to breathe, food to eat, something meaningful to do — we don't move.

You see this clearly in depression. When hopelessness takes over, the body stays in bed. It doesn't engage. It's not laziness; it's what happens when the human system loses its sense that forward motion matters.

Hope Spends Time

Here's the key insight: Hope spends time. And underneath time is energy.

Whatever you have hope for, that's where your resources go. If you hope a relationship can improve, you spend time and energy working on it. If you hope a business can turn around, you invest more money, more hours, more attention. If you hope that going over the hill won't run you out of gas, you keep driving.

This is how hope is supposed to work. It's designed to keep you moving toward the things that matter.

But here's the problem: Sometimes our hope isn't grounded in reality. We call it hope, but it's actually wishing.

Hope vs. Wishing

What's the difference?

Hope has an objective basis. There's reason to believe the outcome is possible. "If I get training in this skill, I'll be more employable." "If I call on enough potential clients, some will say yes." These hopes are grounded in something real.

Wishing is wanting something without any basis for expecting it. "I wish I'd win the lottery." Well, you can wish — but the odds are microscopic. There's no real reason to expect it.

The danger is when we dress up wishing as hope and keep spending time and energy on things that have no real chance of working.

Think about relationships. Someone keeps saying, "I'll change. I'll stop drinking. I'll be different this time." And you hope they will. But is that hope grounded in anything? Are they taking concrete steps — getting help, building skills, demonstrating different behavior? Or are they just expressing good intentions?

Hope asks: What's the objective reason to believe this can work? If you can't answer that, you might be wishing.

The Gift of Hopelessness

Now here's the surprising part. As much as hope is essential to life, there's another thing that can be just as valuable: hopelessness.

Sometimes we need to wave the white flag. Not in despair — but in honesty. The approach we've been trying isn't working. The plan we've been following isn't producing results. Continuing to do the same thing while expecting different results isn't perseverance; it's denial.

Dr. Cloud gives the example of dogs being trained for hunting. Some dogs become excellent hunting dogs. Others just wander around and lie down. At some point, you have to recognize: this dog isn't going to hunt. It might make a great pet — but not a hunting dog.

The same thing happens in police departments with K-9 training. Some dogs have what it takes; others don't. There's no shame in it. The key is recognizing reality so you can redirect resources appropriately.

Strategic hopelessness is recognizing that a method isn't working so you can find one that will.

Dr. Cloud shares a personal example. His daughter was struggling with grades, kept saying she'd turn it around, and he kept hoping. Finally, he said, "Sweetheart, I just don't think that's going to work. We need a different plan."

They got hopeless about the old method. They brought in new structure, new requirements, new focus. And then? Hope returned. Because now there was a reason to expect things could change.

Method Hopelessness vs. Person Hopelessness

This distinction matters enormously: You can get hopeless about a method without getting hopeless about a person.

Giving up on an approach isn't the same as giving up on someone you love. In fact, sometimes stopping a strategy that's failed is exactly what creates space for real change.

Many people stay stuck because they confuse these two things. They keep investing in approaches that don't work because they think giving up on the method means giving up on the person.

It doesn't. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop what you've been doing and try something different.

Discussion Questions

Work through these questions as a group. Not everyone needs to answer every question. Allow space for reflection.

1. What stood out to you most from the teaching? What phrase or idea caught your attention?

2. Where in your life are you currently "spending time" because of hope? This could be a relationship, a goal, a project, a health issue, a business — anywhere you're investing because you believe something could work.

3. Looking at that situation honestly, would you say your hope is grounded in evidence — or is it closer to wishing? [This is a hard question. Allow silence and don't pressure quick answers.]

4. Have you ever confused hope with wishing? What happened?

5. What's the difference between being faithful and being in denial? How do you know when persistence becomes stubbornness?

6. How do you respond to the idea that hopelessness can be a gift? Does that feel freeing, threatening, confusing?

7. Have you ever experienced strategic hopelessness — giving up on a method so you could find a better one? What happened when you waved the white flag on an approach that wasn't working?

8. Where might you need to ask for evidence instead of accepting promises? What would you need to see to have realistic hope that something could change?

9. Is there a method in your life that you've been hoping will work but that clearly isn't? What would it look like to get hopeless about that method — not the goal, but the approach?

10. What's the hardest part of letting go of hope that isn't grounded? [Allow people to name the emotional cost: guilt, fear, grief, uncertainty.]

11. How does your faith inform how you think about hope and letting go? Where do you see the difference between trusting God and insisting on a particular outcome?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Complete these individually, either during the session or at home.

Exercise 1: Hope Audit

List three areas where you're currently investing significant time or energy. For each one, answer honestly:

Exercise 2: Evidence Check

Think of a situation where you're hoping someone or something will change.

• What specific change are you hoping for?
• What evidence (not promises) suggests this change is actually happening?
• If you're relying on promises alone, what concrete evidence would you need to see?
• What's a reasonable timeframe to look for this evidence?

Exercise 3: Method vs. Person

Think of a relationship where things haven't been improving despite your efforts.

• What methods or approaches have you tried?
• How long have you been trying them?
• Is it possible that you need to get hopeless about the method without getting hopeless about the person?
• What would a different approach look like?

Real-Life Scenarios

Read each scenario, then discuss the questions that follow.

Scenario A: The Promising Spouse

Rachel's husband, David, has struggled with anger for years. After every outburst, he apologizes sincerely and promises it won't happen again. He means it every time. Rachel loves David and believes he can change. She's been hoping for eight years. Recently, a friend asked her: "What's different this time? Is he getting help? Learning new skills?" Rachel realized she couldn't answer.

Discussion questions:

• What's the difference between Rachel hoping David will change and Rachel having evidence that David is changing?
• What might Rachel need to see to have grounded hope?
• How could Rachel get hopeless about the current method without abandoning David?

Scenario B: The Struggling Business

Marcus has been running his small business for five years. The first two years were promising, but the last three have been a struggle. He keeps thinking next quarter will turn things around. His wife is worried about their savings. His friends have suggested he might need to pivot or close, but Marcus feels like that would be giving up — and he's not a quitter.

Discussion questions:

• Where is the line between perseverance and denial?
• What would grounded hope look like for Marcus's business?
• How might strategic hopelessness actually help Marcus?

Scenario C: The Adult Child

Susan's adult son, Tyler, has been in and out of recovery for addiction for seven years. Every few months, he calls asking for money, promising this time is different. Susan loves Tyler desperately and keeps hoping. Her friends at church say she needs to "keep believing" and "never give up on him." But she's exhausted, depleted, and starting to resent the calls.

Discussion questions:

• What might Susan need to see to have realistic hope that Tyler is in recovery?
• How is "never giving up on someone" different from "never changing your approach"?
• What might strategic hopelessness look like for Susan — not about Tyler, but about the way she's been trying to help?

Practice Assignments

Choose one of these experiments to try before the next session.

Option A: Ask for Evidence

Identify one situation where you've been accepting promises. This week, practice asking (gently) for evidence. Not in an accusatory way — just honestly: "I want to have hope. What would help me see that things are actually changing?"

Notice how the other person responds. Notice how you feel asking.

Option B: Name Your Exhaustion

If there's an area of life where you feel chronically drained, spend some time this week asking: "Is my hope well-placed here? Is there a reason to expect this can work — or am I wishing?"

You don't have to act on what you discover. Just notice. Get honest with yourself.

Option C: Imagine Strategic Hopelessness

Pick one method, approach, or strategy that hasn't been working. This week, journal about what it would look like to wave the white flag on that approach — not the goal, but the method.

What new approach might become possible if you stopped the old one? What energy might be freed up?

Closing Reflection

Hope is essential. Without it, we don't get out of bed. We don't move toward tomorrow. We don't engage with life.

But hope is also costly. It spends time. It spends energy. And when it's misplaced, it drains us without taking us anywhere.

The invitation today isn't to become cynical or to stop believing things can get better. It's to be honest about where our hope is grounded — and where it might be time to try a different path.

Sometimes the most hopeful thing you can do is get hopeless about what's not working. Because that's when space opens up. Energy returns. And new hope — grounded, realistic, life-giving hope — becomes possible again.

Optional Closing Prayer

This prayer is offered as an option. Modify or skip as appropriate for your group.

God, we bring you our hopes today — the ones that feel grounded and the ones that might just be wishing. Give us wisdom to know the difference. Give us courage to ask for evidence instead of settling for promises. Give us freedom to let go of methods that aren't working, even when that feels like failure. Help us trust you with outcomes, even when we can't see where the path leads. And when it's time to wave the white flag on an approach that's failed, give us the faith to believe that you have something better. Amen.