Gossip and Triangulation

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores gossip and triangulation — the patterns that create drama in families, churches, and workplaces. Dr. Cloud explains why talking about people instead of to them is so destructive, and provides practical tools for both avoiding being pulled into gossip and changing our own patterns.

This is a topic nearly everyone can relate to. Most of us have been on both sides: pulled into someone else's drama and guilty of spreading it ourselves. The goal isn't shame — it's awareness and change.

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand what gossip and triangulation are and why they're destructive
2. Recognize the patterns in their own families, workplaces, and communities
3. Know how to respond when someone tries to pull them into gossip
4. Have tools for changing their own communication patterns

Teaching Summary

What Is Gossip?

Gossip is talking about somebody in a way that isn't helpful. If you're sharing information about someone and you can't do anything constructive with it — you're not helping, you're not solving, you're not preparing for direct conversation — it's probably gossip.

Dr. Cloud tells a story about a comedian who parodies church prayer circles: "Dear Lord, we just pray for Susie. She's going through a hard time. Help her find out who the father is." It sounds like prayer. It's really a gossip chamber with a spiritual wrapper.

Why Gossip Is Destructive

When two people have a conflict and one of them goes to a third person instead of addressing it directly, nothing good happens. Dr. Cloud calls this triangulation — A has a problem with B but talks to C. Now:

• The problem between A and B doesn't get solved
• C's opinion of B changes based on one-sided information
• C is now in an awkward position with both A and B
• If this spreads further, you get factions, sides, and division

This happens in families all the time. You have a conflict with your sister, so you call your other sister to complain. Now you're bonded over complaining, but the original conflict is still there — plus a new problem has been created.

The Diabolic Nature of Division

Dr. Cloud makes an interesting observation: the word "diabolic" has roots that mean "to divide" or "to compartmentalize." When a cancer cell forms, it unplugs from the living cells around it and starts multiplying on its own. That's what gossip does — it compartmentalizes conflict, lets it fester in the dark, and spreads division.

The biggest threat to any community — a family, a church, a company — is divisiveness. Splits happen when people talk about each other instead of to each other. The problems stay hidden, relationships erode, and eventually the whole thing fractures.

How to Not Get Sucked In

When someone brings gossip to you, Dr. Cloud offers a simple strategy:

1. Empathize briefly: "That sounds hard."
2. Ask the magic question: "Have you talked to them about that?"
3. Offer constructive help: "I'd be glad to talk about what your next step should be. Would it help if we met with both of you together?"
4. Refuse to engage further: If they just want to vent or recruit you, kindly decline.

The magic question changes everything. It refuses to let the conflict stay triangulated. It points toward direct conversation. And it often stops gossip in its tracks — people who just want to complain usually don't want to be challenged to go direct.

How to Not Be the Gossiper

Before you share something about someone else, ask two questions:

1. Why am I sharing this? Is it to help? To solve a problem? Or to vent, get validation, or get someone on my side?
2. What will be the result? Will this help the person or the situation? Or will it spread the conflict and damage someone's reputation?

Dr. Cloud clarifies that not all sharing is gossip. We do need to share news — "Joe got a new job," "Joe's dad died." We do need to process conflicts with trusted people before we confront them. The difference is intent and result: helpful processing moves toward resolution; gossip just spreads.

Discussion Questions

1. What comes to mind when you hear the word "gossip"? What's the difference between gossip and legitimate sharing or concern?

2. Can you think of a time you got pulled into someone else's conflict — caught in the middle between two people? What was that like? How did it affect your relationships with both of them?

3. Dr. Cloud describes triangulation: A has a problem with B but talks to C. Where have you seen this pattern in families, workplaces, or churches?

4. What makes gossip so appealing? The Bible calls gossip's words "morsels" — tasty little nuggets. Why do we enjoy it even when we know it's harmful?

5. Dr. Cloud's comedian friend calls certain prayer groups "gossip chambers with a spiritual wrapper." Have you seen this dynamic? How do we tell the difference between genuine prayer concern and gossip?

6. The magic question is: "Have you talked to them about that?" Why is that question so powerful? What makes it hard to ask?

7. Think about a recent conflict you had with someone. Did you go to them directly, or did you talk to someone else about it first? What was the result?

8. Dr. Cloud says the biggest threat to any community is divisiveness — and gossip creates it. What does a community look like where people talk to each other instead of about each other?

9. What's the difference between "venting" and "processing"? When is it helpful to talk to a third party about a conflict, and when does it become gossip?

10. If this group committed to a no-gossip culture, what would that practically look like? [Leader note: This is a commitment question — let it sit.]

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: Pattern Recognition

Reflect privately on the following questions. Be honest — this is between you and God.

Being pulled in:

• When is the last time someone brought me gossip about another person?
• How did I respond?
• How did I feel afterward — pulled in, uncomfortable, complicit?

Being the source:

• When is the last time I talked about someone to a third party in a way that wasn't constructive?
• Why did I do it? What was I looking for?
• Did I ever go to that person directly, or did the gossip replace the confrontation?

Patterns in my community:

• Where do I see triangulation happening in my family, church, or workplace?
• Am I currently caught in the middle of any conflicts?
• Is there someone whose reputation I've colored based on what others have told me — without firsthand knowledge?

Exercise 2: The Intent and Result Test

Think of something you shared recently (or were tempted to share) about someone else. Walk through these questions:

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Family Text Chain

Your mom texts you to complain about your brother. "Can you believe what he said at dinner? He's always been this way. Your father and I are so frustrated." She's clearly looking for you to agree and join her side.

Discussion Questions:

• What's the triangulation happening here?
• What would it look like to respond helpfully without getting pulled in?
• What are the risks of just agreeing?

Scenario 2: The Coffee After Church

After service, a friend pulls you aside to share "concern" about another church member. "I'm just worried about them. Did you see how they were acting? I heard their marriage is in trouble." The information feels juicy, and your friend seems to want you to engage.

Discussion Questions:

• How do you tell the difference between genuine concern and gossip dressed up as concern?
• What could you say to redirect this conversation?
• What's the difference between knowing this information and what to do with knowing it?

Scenario 3: The Frustrated Employee

At work, a coworker sits down at your desk to complain about your shared manager. "She never listens to my ideas. She plays favorites. I can't stand working for her." They clearly want you to validate their frustration.

Discussion Questions:

• What would triangulation look like in this situation?
• What would a helpful response look like — that doesn't dismiss their frustration but also doesn't recruit you to their side?
• How is workplace gossip different from (or similar to) church or family gossip?

Practice Assignments

Assignment 1: The Magic Question

This week, practice the magic question. When someone starts to share a complaint or conflict about another person, ask: "That sounds hard. Have you talked to them about that?"

Notice:

• How did the other person respond?
• Did the conversation shift?
• How did you feel asking it?

Assignment 2: The Before-You-Share Test

Before you share something about someone else this week, pause and ask:

1. Why am I sharing this?
2. Can this person help?
3. What will be the result?

If you can't answer those questions well, don't share. See what happens when you hold back.

Closing Reflection

Dr. Cloud says that the biggest threat to any family, church, or organization is divisiveness — and gossip is one of the primary engines of division. It keeps problems in the dark. It creates sides. It erodes trust.

But the opposite is also true: communities that practice direct communication, that bring problems together instead of compartmentalizing them, that refuse to let gossip take root — these are communities that heal and thrive.

This isn't just about personal discipline. It's about the kind of community we're building together. When we commit to talking to each other instead of about each other, we're choosing life over division.

Closing Prayer (Optional)

God, forgive us for the times we've divided instead of brought together. Forgive us for words that spread conflict instead of pursuing peace. Help us to be people who go direct — who have the courage to speak to the person instead of about them. And give us the wisdom to know when someone needs help and when they just need redirecting. Make us the kind of community where problems come into the light instead of festering in darkness. Amen.