Gossip and Triangulation

How to Stay Out of Other People's Drama

Overview

"I'm really concerned about them." Ever had someone start a conversation that way? It sounds like care. It sounds like concern. But often, it's just gossip dressed up in spiritual language. Dr. Cloud tells a story about a comedian who parodies church prayer circles: "Dear Lord, we just pray for Susie. She's going through a hard time. Help her find out who the father is." The prayer is really gossip — using spiritual language to spread information that doesn't need spreading.

Gossip creates drama. It divides relationships, fractures communities, and turns small conflicts into large ones. What started as a problem between two people becomes a problem involving everyone. And the original issue never gets solved because no one is addressing it directly.

Here's the good news: you don't have to participate. You can refuse to get sucked in when someone brings gossip to you. And you can change your own patterns so you're not the one spreading it. Both take intentionality, but both are learnable.

What Usually Goes Wrong

Gossip spreads conflict instead of solving it. When two people have a conflict and one of them tells a third person instead of addressing it directly, the problem doesn't get better — it gets bigger. Now there are more people involved, more opinions, more sides. The original issue remains unresolved while the drama multiplies.

Triangulation creates divided loyalties. If person A has a problem with person B and talks to you about it, you now have a relationship with both of them that's been colored by information you shouldn't have. Your opinion of B changes based on A's perspective — which may or may not be accurate. Now you're in the middle, and the relationship between A and B is still broken.

Gossip masquerades as concern. Some of the most destructive gossip looks like care. "I'm just worried about them." "You should know what they're going through." "Can you pray for this situation?" If you can't be helpful and the information isn't yours to share, it's probably gossip — even if it sounds spiritual.

Venting replaces resolving. It feels good to vent. When someone hurts us, talking to a sympathetic friend provides relief. But if all we do is vent — without ever addressing the issue with the person — nothing changes. The relationship stays broken, and we've just recruited someone to join our resentment.

Communities fracture when problems stay compartmentalized. Dr. Cloud uses a powerful metaphor: a cancer cell is a cell that unplugs from the living body and multiplies on its own. Gossip does the same thing. It creates pockets of conflict that stay separated from the whole. The problem festers in darkness instead of being brought into the light where it could be healed.

What Health Looks Like

Healthy communication in families, churches, and workplaces looks like:

• Direct conversation. When you have a problem with someone, you talk to them — not about them. This doesn't mean you never process with anyone else, but the goal of processing is to prepare you for the direct conversation, not to replace it.

• Bringing things together, not dividing them. Instead of talking to person C about person B, you bring A and B together. You invite the whole team into the conversation. You don't let problems live in compartments.

• Refusing to be triangulated. When someone brings you into their conflict, you redirect: "Have you talked to them about that?" You don't take sides. You point people toward each other.

• Asking intent and result questions. Before you share something about someone else, you ask: "Why am I sharing this? Will sharing this be helpful?" If the answer is "to vent" or "to get someone on my side" or "it won't help the situation," you don't share.

• Processing with appropriate people. Sometimes you do need to talk through a conflict before you're ready to address it directly. That's okay — as long as you're talking to someone who will help you take responsibility and move toward resolution, not someone who will just join your side and help you stay stuck.

Key Principles

1. Gossip is talking about someone in a way that isn't helpful. The definition is simple: if you're talking about someone else and you can't be helpful in some way, it's probably gossip. Sharing prayer requests? Not gossip. Venting to feel better? Might be. Trying to get someone on your side? Almost certainly gossip.

2. Triangulation destroys relationships. When A has a problem with B and talks to C instead, nothing good happens. A feels heard but doesn't resolve anything. C's opinion of B changes unfairly. The relationship between A and B stays broken. And now there's potential conflict between B and C too.

3. The biggest threat to any community is divisiveness. Families split. Churches split. Teams split. And underneath most splits is this pattern: people talking about each other instead of to each other. Problems get compartmentalized. Cancer cells form. The body divides.

4. Gossip has a seductive quality. Proverbs calls them "morsels" — little tasty nuggets. There are many reasons gossip feels good: it makes us feel better about our own lives, it creates false intimacy with the person we're gossiping with, it gives us a sense of power or importance. Recognizing the seduction helps us resist it.

5. The magic question is: "Have you talked to them?" When someone starts to gossip to you, the simplest and most powerful response is: "That sounds hard. Have you talked to them about that?" This one question changes everything. It refuses to let the conflict stay triangulated. It points toward direct conversation and resolution.

Practical Application

When someone brings gossip to you:

1. Empathize briefly. "That sounds hard." "That sounds frustrating." You're not dismissing their feelings — you're just not joining the gossip.

2. Ask the magic question. "Have you talked to them about that?" If they haven't, that's the next step. If they have and it didn't go well, ask what they're going to do next.

3. Offer to help in constructive ways. "I'd be glad to talk if we can focus on what your next step should be." "Would it help if I met with both of you?" "Why don't you bring them in and let's talk together?"

4. Refuse to engage further. If they just want to vent or recruit you to their side, you can kindly decline: "I don't think I'm the right person to talk to about this. I'd encourage you to go to them directly."

When you're tempted to gossip:

1. Pause and ask: Why am I sharing this? Is it to solve a problem? To get support for a direct conversation? Or is it to vent, get validation, or get someone on your side?

2. Ask: What will be the result of sharing this? Will it help resolve the issue? Will it help this person? Or will it spread the conflict and color someone's opinion unfairly?

3. Process with appropriate people. If you need to talk through a conflict before addressing it, choose someone who will help you see your part, prepare for the conversation, and move toward resolution — not someone who will just agree with you.

4. Go direct. After you've processed, have the actual conversation with the actual person. That's where resolution happens.

Common Questions & Misconceptions

"So I can never talk about someone else?" Of course you can. Sharing news ("Did you hear Joe got a new job?") isn't gossip. Expressing genuine concern ("Joe's dad died — we should reach out") isn't gossip. Processing a conflict with a counselor or trusted friend in preparation for direct conversation isn't gossip. The key questions are intent and result: Why am I sharing this, and will it help?

"What if I need to vent?" Venting can be healthy if it's a step toward resolution. Dr. Cloud says it's fine to "bleed off the emotion" with a safe person before you confront someone — as long as you then actually confront them. If venting replaces confrontation, it's just gossip with an excuse.

"What if I'm genuinely concerned about someone?" Ask: Can I do something about this concern? Can I help? Can I go to them directly? If yes, do that. If you're sharing "concern" with people who can't help, it's probably not actually helpful — it's just talking.

"What if someone won't stop gossiping to me?" Set a gentle boundary: "I'd encourage you to talk to them directly. I don't think I'm the right person for this conversation." You can be kind and still refuse to participate.

"What about when someone has legitimately done something wrong?" There's a difference between gossip and appropriate disclosure. If someone's behavior is harmful and others need to know for their protection, that's not gossip. If you're sharing to get people on your side, that is. Check your intent.

Closing Encouragement

Drama is exhausting. It sucks you in, demands your energy, and rarely resolves anything. The good news is you don't have to participate. You can refuse to be triangulated. You can redirect gossip toward direct conversation. You can examine your own patterns and choose not to spread information that isn't yours to share.

The communities that thrive — families, churches, teams — are the ones where problems are brought into the light, addressed directly, and resolved together. Where there's nowhere for gossip to hide because people know that anything said in the dark will eventually be brought into the open.

You can be part of building that kind of community. It starts with one conversation at a time.