Getting Unstuck: Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores why we stay stuck on things we genuinely want to change — and what actually works when willpower keeps failing. The goal isn't to set better goals or try harder with the same approach. It's to understand the mechanics of being stuck and discover the external support and structure that can carry us where our internal resources can't.

Session Goals

1. Recognize the difference between intending to change and actually changing
2. Understand why shame and self-criticism keep us stuck rather than motivating us
3. Identify specific areas where we've been stuck and honestly assess how long
4. Explore what external structure and support might help us move forward

Teaching Summary

The Intention Trap

There's probably something you've been meaning to do. Maybe for months. Maybe years. It could be a health goal, a creative project, a relationship repair, a financial change, or a habit you want to break.

Here's the problem: we judge ourselves by our intentions, but reality judges us by our behavior.

When you tell yourself "I'll start tomorrow" or "I'll do that after things calm down," something interesting happens in your brain. You get a small hit of relief. You've recommitted! You're a person who wants to change! The problem is, that moment of recommitment gives you just enough psychological comfort to not feel the full pain of not changing. You've essentially medicated yourself with your own good intentions.

This is why people can genuinely want something and still not do it for years. The intention itself becomes a substitute for action.

Coming Out of Denial

Dr. Cloud puts it bluntly: if there's something you've been wanting to do and you've been wanting to do it for a long time and you haven't done it — you're not going to do it. At least not with your current approach.

This isn't pessimism. It's pattern recognition. Whatever stopped you last month is still there this month. Whatever got in the way yesterday will get in the way tomorrow. Unless something fundamentally changes, the future will look exactly like the past.

The first step is admitting this honestly. Not with shame, but with clear-eyed realism. Like the first step in recovery: "I am powerless over this on my own."

The Shame Trap

Here's what's counterintuitive: beating yourself up about being stuck actually keeps you stuck.

When you're more focused on feeling bad about what you're not doing than on what you're actually losing by not doing it, you're on the wrong side of the equation. Guilt and shame don't create change — they create hiding. They keep you focused on how terrible you are rather than on what needs to happen next.

The path forward isn't self-condemnation. It's honest assessment without shame.

The Capacity Problem

Sometimes we can't do something not because we lack motivation, but because we lack capacity.

Dr. Cloud uses this analogy: if your car won't start, giving it a motivational speech won't help. "Come on, car! Believe in yourself! If you can conceive it, you can achieve it!" That's ridiculous. What you need is juice. What you need is to figure out why it's not working.

We often try to motivate ourselves into doing things we don't have the internal tools to do. We push harder with the same broken approach. What we actually need is something external — support, structure, knowledge, help.

The Power of Priority

Research shows that the number one factor in whether people accomplish something isn't motivation — it's prioritization.

Think about how people in recovery handle their meetings. They don't go to their recovery meeting if they have time after playing with the kids or running errands. The meeting goes in the calendar first. Everything else fits around it.

That's what real priority looks like. Not "I'll do it if I have time." It goes first.

External Structure: The Crutch You Need

Here's the key insight: if you have a broken ankle, your ankle doesn't build its own crutch. The crutch already exists. Your ankle joins the crutch.

Whatever you're stuck on, there's probably structure out there that could help:

• Accountability groups
• Coaches or mentors
• Structured programs (Weight Watchers, writing groups, classes)
• Recovery groups
• Therapists or counselors
• Friends who will show up consistently

This isn't weakness. It's wisdom. Dr. Cloud tells the story of helping an organization get a book written by their president — someone who had been "trying to find time" for years. What worked? External structure. Scheduled meetings. Accountability. A process that didn't depend on willpower alone.

That's what works. The structure provides what you've been missing. You fit yourself into it, and it builds the momentum you couldn't build alone.

Discussion Questions

Getting Oriented

1. When you heard the phrase "we judge ourselves by our intentions, but reality judges us by our behavior" — what came to mind? Where do you see that playing out in your own life?

2. What's one thing you've been telling yourself you're going to do for a while? (It doesn't have to be huge — it could be small.) How long has it been?

Going Deeper

3. Have you ever experienced the "intention trap" — where recommitting to something actually relieved the pressure enough that you didn't have to do anything? What did that look like?

4. Dr. Cloud says that shame keeps us stuck rather than motivating us. Do you agree? Where have you seen self-criticism actually get in the way of change?

5. What's the difference between honestly admitting "I'm powerless to do this on my own" and just giving up? How do you hold both the honesty and the hope?

[Facilitator note: This is a key question. Give it time. Some may need to sit with the tension before they can answer.]

6. Think about something you've successfully changed in the past. What made that time different? Was there any external structure or support involved?

Toward Application

7. What would it look like to make the thing you're stuck on a real priority — not "if I have time" but "this goes first"? What would have to move?

8. What kind of external structure might actually help you? Is it a person, a group, a program, knowledge you don't have? Be specific.

9. What's the hardest part about asking for help or joining something? What gets in the way?

[Facilitator note: Some people will name pride. Others will name past bad experiences. Others will name not knowing where to find help. All are valid starting points.]

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: The Honest Audit

Take a few minutes in silence to answer these questions honestly. You won't have to share unless you want to.

The thing I've been stuck on:

How long I've been saying I'm going to do this:

What I've tried so far:

Why I think those attempts haven't worked:

If nothing changes, what will this look like in one year?

Exercise 2: What's Actually Getting in the Way?

Check any that apply:

• I don't actually have time right now (truly — not just "I'm busy")
• I don't know how to do it
• I'm afraid of failing (again)
• I'm afraid of what success would require of me
• I keep getting pulled toward more urgent things
• I haven't made it a real priority
• I don't have anyone holding me accountable
• I've been beating myself up about it instead of getting help
• I keep telling myself "tomorrow" and tomorrow never comes
• I don't believe it can actually change
• Other: _______________________________________________

Looking at what you checked — what does that tell you about what kind of help you might need?

Exercise 3: The Structure Brainstorm

What external structures exist that might help with your stuck area? Brainstorm possibilities:

People who could help:

Groups or programs that exist:

Knowledge or skills I might need:

One small step I could take to connect with that support:

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Health Goal

Michael has been saying he's going to get in shape for three years. He's tried gym memberships (went for two weeks), apps (used them for a few days), and multiple "starting Monday" commitments. He genuinely wants to be healthier — his doctor has warned him about his blood pressure. But every time he starts, something gets in the way: work deadlines, family commitments, exhaustion. He feels ashamed every time he looks in the mirror.

Discussion prompts:

• What traps do you see Michael caught in?
• What would you tell him if he were a friend?
• What kind of external structure might actually work for his situation?

Scenario 2: The Creative Project

Sarah has wanted to write a book for five years. She has notebooks full of ideas. She's taken a few online courses. She tells people she's "working on" a book. But she's never gotten past chapter two. She keeps waiting for a season when she has more time, but that season never comes. She's starting to wonder if she's just not meant to be a writer.

Discussion prompts:

• What's the difference between Sarah not being "meant to be" a writer and Sarah lacking the structure to write?
• What would prioritizing writing actually look like for her?
• What kind of accountability or structure might break through?

Scenario 3: The Relationship Repair

David and his wife have been saying for years that they need to work on their marriage. They love each other, but they've drifted into a pattern of polite distance. Every few months one of them says "We should really do that couples retreat" or "We should find a counselor." They both agree. And then nothing happens. Life is busy. Things are "fine enough." But both of them know they're slowly losing something.

Discussion prompts:

• Why do you think it's so hard to prioritize something that isn't in crisis yet?
• What would it look like for David to stop waiting for his wife to take the lead and take action himself?
• What's the cost of waiting until "fine enough" becomes "too late"?

Practice Assignments

These are experiments, not homework. Try one and notice what happens.

Option 1: The Calendar Test

Take the thing you're stuck on and actually put it in your calendar for this week — as a real appointment, not a "maybe if I have time." Notice what you have to say no to in order to say yes to this. Notice what resistance comes up.

Option 2: The Conversation

Tell one person (not in this group) about something you've been stuck on. Don't ask for advice or problem-solving — just tell them honestly where you are. Notice what it feels like to say it out loud to someone.

Option 3: The Structure Search

Research one form of external support that could help with your stuck area. Google it. Find out if it exists in your area. Find out what it would take to join. Don't commit yet — just gather information. Notice what feelings come up as you look.

Closing Reflection

Being stuck isn't a character flaw. It's part of being human. Paul himself wrote: "The good thing I want to do, I don't do" (Romans 7:19). If it were as simple as wanting something and doing it, we'd all be in much better shape.

The way out isn't shame. It's honesty. The way out isn't willpower. It's structure. The way out isn't isolation. It's support.

You weren't designed to do everything alone. Needing help isn't weakness — it's wisdom.

Moment of Silence

Take 60 seconds in silence. Ask yourself: What is one honest thing I can admit about where I'm stuck — and what is one small step I could take toward support?

[Facilitator: After the silence, close the session. Don't force sharing. Let people leave with their own next steps.]