Gaslighting

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores gaslighting — a form of psychological manipulation where one person systematically causes another to question their own perceptions, memory, and reality. This topic requires care; some group members may recognize their own experiences as they learn about this dynamic.

Dr. Cloud explains what gaslighting is, how it works, why good people are vulnerable to it, and practical strategies for protecting yourself and finding your way back to reality.

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand what gaslighting is and how it works
2. Recognize the specific tactics gaslighters use
3. Know the difference between healthy disagreement and manipulation
4. Have practical tools for protecting themselves and finding trustworthy reality-testers

Note to Participants: This content touches on manipulation and emotional abuse. If you find yourself recognizing your own situation, please know that help is available. The leader has resources and can speak with you after the session.

Teaching Summary

Why Good People Get Gaslighted

One of your greatest assets in life is your ability to figure out what's real. Every day, you assess reality — who's this person, is this safe, what's happening here? And because you're a good, honest person, you're open to feedback. If someone shows you evidence that contradicts what you thought, you're willing to reconsider. You don't stubbornly cling to wrong ideas.

This is healthy. It's how humans are designed to work. We take in input from the outside world and use it to create accurate maps of reality.

But gaslighters exploit this quality. They give you false input designed not to help you see clearly, but to make you doubt what you already know is true. Your openness to correction becomes a weapon used against you.

What Gaslighting Is

Gaslighting is psychological manipulation designed to make someone question their reality. If I can get you to doubt your own perceptions, memories, and feelings, I gain enormous power over you. I can control you, manipulate you, direct you — and you'll cooperate because you no longer trust yourself.

The term comes from a 1940s movie where a husband slowly dims the gaslights in the house while denying that anything is changing. His wife sees the lights dimming, but he tells her nothing is happening. Gradually, she starts to think she's going crazy.

That's what gaslighting does. It makes you feel crazy when you're not.

How Gaslighting Works

Dr. Cloud uses a helpful framework: we find reality in the relationship between our own experience and input from the external world. You feel something, see something, experience something — then you check it against feedback from others. This is normal and healthy.

But in gaslighting, the external feedback is designed to negate your experience. You say "That hurt," and they say "I didn't hurt you." You saw something, but they say "That didn't happen." Your experience says one thing; their feedback says the opposite.

Over time, you start to trust their feedback more than your own experience. You doubt yourself. You lose confidence in your ability to know what's real.

The Tactics

Gaslighters use predictable methods:

• Negating: "That didn't happen." "I never said that."
• Minimizing: "You're overreacting." "It wasn't that bad." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill."
• Denying: "I don't know what you're talking about."
• Countering: Every observation you make is contradicted.
• Stonewalling: Refusing to engage, changing the subject, acting like the topic doesn't exist.
• Labeling: "You're too sensitive." "You're crazy." "All women think that."

Every tactic has the same goal: invalidate your experience so you stop trusting yourself.

The Results

When you're gaslighted over time, you experience predictable symptoms:

• Confusion: Things don't add up, but you can't figure out why
• Self-doubt: You stop trusting your own perceptions
• Loss of identity: You feel like you don't know who you are anymore
• Apologizing constantly: Somehow you're always the one saying sorry
• Defending bad behavior: You make excuses for them to others
• Isolation: Your world gets smaller as you're pulled away from other input
• Feeling powerless and hopeless: You don't see a way out

The Way Out

Dr. Cloud offers several practical strategies:

1. Tune into your own experience. Start paying attention to what you feel, notice, and perceive — without immediately dismissing it.

2. Talk to someone you trust. Find a healthy person to reality-test with. When you tell them what happened, a good friend will often say, "No, that does sound weird. Of course you're questioning that."

3. Keep records. Write down what happened, what was said, what you observed. This helps you trust your memory when it's being attacked.

4. Use boundaries. "I see it differently." "We'll have to agree to disagree." You're not trying to convince them — you're protecting your own sanity.

5. Recognize when it's dangerous. Some gaslighting occurs in contexts with physical danger. If you're unsafe, this isn't just a relationship to work on — it's a situation to get out of.

Discussion Questions

1. Before this session, what did you understand gaslighting to mean? Has that understanding changed?

2. Dr. Cloud says that gaslighting "uses your honesty against you." What does he mean by that? Why are good, open people particularly vulnerable?

3. What's the difference between healthy disagreement and gaslighting? How can you tell when someone is genuinely seeing things differently versus systematically invalidating your experience?

4. Have you ever experienced confusion in a relationship where things just didn't add up? You don't need to share details — just notice whether this resonates. [Leader note: Don't push for specifics. Let people share at their own level.]

5. Dr. Cloud mentions that gaslighting often starts subtly. What might early warning signs look like? What would make someone pause before getting more deeply invested?

6. Why do you think people stay in gaslighting relationships? What makes it hard to recognize or leave?

7. What does it mean to "tune into your own experience"? For those of us trained to question ourselves, what would that actually look like?

8. How do you find trustworthy people for reality-testing? What makes someone a good choice — or a bad choice — for this role?

9. Dr. Cloud talks about boundaries like "I see it differently" and "We'll have to agree to disagree." Why is this approach different from trying to convince the gaslighter they're wrong?

10. What would it look like for this group to be a safe place for reality-testing? [Leader note: This is a vision-casting question. Let the group sit with it.]

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: Recognizing the Tactics

Review the list of gaslighting tactics below. Without naming names or relationships, reflect on whether you've experienced any of these:

If you recognized several of these, that's worth paying attention to. Consider talking to a trusted friend or counselor.

Exercise 2: My Reality-Testing Network

Who in your life helps you see clearly? Who do you trust to give you honest feedback — not just agreeing with you, but helping you discern what's real?

People I can reality-test with: 1. 2. 3.

What makes these people trustworthy?

Is anyone missing? (Do you need to develop more trustworthy relationships?)

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Conversation That Didn't Happen

Jordan clearly remembers a conversation last week where their partner promised to handle a bill. Now the bill is overdue and there's a late fee. When Jordan brings it up, the partner says: "I never said I'd handle that. You always misremember things. You must have dreamed it or something."

Discussion Questions:

• What gaslighting tactic is being used here?
• What would a healthy response look like for Jordan?
• What would an unhealthy response look like?

Scenario 2: The Team Meeting

At work, Casey spoke up in a team meeting about a concern with the project timeline. The manager responded dismissively in front of everyone: "That's not a real concern. You're overthinking this like you always do." Later, privately, the manager said, "I didn't shut you down — I just redirected the conversation. You're being too sensitive about it."

Discussion Questions:

• What's the effect of this kind of feedback on Casey over time?
• What options does Casey have in a workplace situation?
• How is workplace gaslighting different from relationship gaslighting?

Scenario 3: The Adult Child

Morgan's mother has a pattern of rewriting family history. When Morgan brings up painful memories from childhood, the mother says things like: "That never happened." "You've always had an overactive imagination." "You must be remembering something from a movie." Morgan has started to wonder if the memories are real.

Discussion Questions:

• Why is gaslighting from a parent particularly confusing?
• What does it take for an adult child to trust their own memories against a parent's denial?
• What role might other family members or external validation play?

Practice Assignments

Assignment 1: Tuning In

This week, practice noticing your own experience without immediately dismissing it. When something feels off, instead of explaining it away, pause and ask:

• What am I noticing?
• What am I feeling?
• What does my gut tell me?

Write down one or two observations at the end of each day. You don't need to act on them — just practice noticing.

Assignment 2: Reality-Testing Conversation

If you identified a trustworthy person in the reflection exercise, have a conversation with them this week. Share something you've been questioning or confused about and ask for their honest perspective. Notice what it feels like to have your experience validated (or gently challenged by someone who cares about you).

Closing Reflection

Dr. Cloud says something important: "You come by it honestly if you're a victim of gaslighting." Being gaslit doesn't mean you're weak or stupid. It means you're honest enough to consider that you might be wrong, and someone exploited that quality.

But here's the good news: the same capacity that made you vulnerable — your openness to reality — is what will help you recover. You can learn to tune into your own experience again. You can find trustworthy people who help you see clearly. You can set boundaries that protect your sense of what's real.

You weren't always confused. You can find your way back.

Closing Prayer (Optional)

God, you are the source of all truth. In a world where confusion and deception are real, help us cling to what is true. Give us the courage to trust our own experience when it's being attacked. Surround us with people who help us see clearly. And for those of us recovering from manipulation, help us find our way back to ourselves — to the person you created us to be. Amen.

Important Resource

If you or someone you know is in a dangerous situation involving emotional or physical abuse:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Gaslighting is often present in abusive relationships. If you feel unsafe, please reach out for help.