Gaslighting

Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Do not distribute to group members.

Purpose of This Resource

This session teaches group members about gaslighting — a form of psychological manipulation that causes people to question their own reality. Because gaslighting is associated with emotional abuse and controlling relationships, this session requires careful facilitation. Some group members may recognize their own experiences. Some may be in dangerous situations.

Your job is to create a safe learning environment, guide the conversation through the material, and know when and how to refer people to professional help.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session will leave participants:

• Understanding what gaslighting is and how it works
• Able to recognize gaslighting tactics
• Equipped with practical tools for self-protection
• Aware that help is available if they need it

You are not trying to:

• Diagnose anyone's relationship
• Process anyone's trauma in depth
• Convince anyone to leave a relationship
• Be anyone's therapist

Critical Safety Considerations

Before you lead this session, understand the following:

1. Some Participants May Be in Dangerous Situations

Gaslighting often occurs alongside other forms of abuse — physical, financial, sexual. Someone in your group may be in a relationship with a person who is dangerous. If they seem to recognize their situation during this session:

• Do not pressure them to take action. Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not a single decision. Premature action can increase danger.
• Do not promise confidentiality you can't keep. If someone discloses abuse of a child or imminent danger to themselves or others, you may have reporting obligations.
• Have resources ready. Know your local domestic violence resources. Have the National Domestic Violence Hotline number (1-800-799-7233).
• Offer private follow-up. "I'd like to talk with you after the session if you're open to it."

2. Recognize the Signs of Danger

If a participant discloses a situation involving any of the following, treat it as a safety issue requiring professional resources — not just a relational problem to work through:

• Physical violence or threats of violence
• Controlling access to money, transportation, or communication
• Extreme isolation from friends and family
• Fear of the other person's reaction
• Threats related to children, custody, or exposure
• Escalating patterns of abuse

3. You Are Not the Solution

Your role is to facilitate learning and provide a safe space. You are not equipped to:

• Assess the danger level of someone's situation
• Create a safety plan
• Provide ongoing support for trauma recovery
• Be a substitute for professional help

Know your limits and refer appropriately.

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Dawning Recognition

Some participants may realize for the first time that their experience has a name. This can surface strong emotions:

• Relief: "I'm not crazy — this is real."
• Grief: "I've lost years to this."
• Fear: "What do I do now?"
• Shame: "How did I let this happen?"

How to respond:

• Acknowledge without pushing: "It sounds like some of this is resonating for you."
• Normalize: "A lot of people first recognize gaslighting when they learn what it is."
• Offer follow-up: "I'd like to check in with you after the session."

2. Minimizing and Denial

Paradoxically, people who are being gaslighted often minimize their own experience — even while learning about it:

• "Well, it's not that bad."
• "They probably don't mean it."
• "I'm probably just overreacting."

How to respond:

• Don't argue with them or try to convince them.
• Simply reflect: "It sounds like you're still sorting out what to make of it."
• The goal is awareness, not immediate action.

3. Generalizing and Misapplication

Some participants may apply the gaslighting label too broadly:

• "So anytime someone disagrees with me, they're gaslighting me?"
• "My wife said I misremembered something — is that gaslighting?"

How to respond:

• Clarify the distinction: "Healthy disagreement is different from systematic invalidation. In gaslighting, there's a pattern of one person attacking the other's reality. Occasional misunderstandings happen in every relationship."
• The key markers are: pattern, intent to control, and the effect of making someone not trust themselves.

4. Anger at the Gaslighter

Some participants may become angry — at their own gaslighter or at gaslighters in general. This is valid but can take over the session.

How to redirect:

• Validate briefly: "That anger makes sense."
• Refocus: "Let's stay focused on what we can do — how we protect ourselves and find our way back."
• The session is about empowerment, not venting (though some venting is normal).

5. The Group Member Who Dominates

Because this topic can be highly personal, some people may want to share extensive details about their own situation. This can be helpful to a point but can also derail the session or overwhelm the group.

How to manage:

• Thank them for sharing: "Thank you for trusting us with that."
• Set a boundary: "Let's make sure others have a chance to process too."
• Offer private follow-up: "I'd love to hear more after the session."

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

What NOT to Do

• Don't push anyone to name their gaslighter. They can speak generally.
• Don't pressure anyone to take action. Awareness is a step. Action will follow when they're ready.
• Don't try to "fix" anyone's situation in the group setting.
• Don't promise outcomes. "If you just set this boundary, they'll change" — you don't know that.
• Don't suggest they stay or leave. That's not your call.

Your Posture

• Non-anxious presence: You can hear hard things without panicking.
• Curiosity over judgment: "Tell me more" rather than "You should..."
• Humility: You don't have to have answers.
• Warmth: People are sharing vulnerable things. Honor that.

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"So any disagreement is gaslighting?"

Correction: "No — healthy relationships have disagreement all the time. Gaslighting is a pattern of one person systematically invalidating the other's reality. The key markers are: it's a pattern, the intent or effect is control, and the result is that you stop trusting yourself."

"My spouse said I misremember things. That's gaslighting, right?"

Correction: "Not necessarily. We all misremember things sometimes. The question is: is this a pattern? Is it used to control or dismiss your experience? Do you feel like you can't trust yourself anymore? One incident isn't gaslighting. A systematic pattern might be."

"If I recognize this, shouldn't I confront them?"

Correction: "That depends on the situation. In some relationships, honest confrontation can lead to change. In others — particularly where there's danger — confrontation can escalate things. Gaslighters don't typically respond to confrontation with self-reflection. The first priority is your safety and clarity, not convincing them."

"Why would anyone stay in a gaslighting relationship?"

Correction: "There are many reasons. They may not realize it's happening. They may have been isolated from other perspectives. They may have financial or practical barriers to leaving. They may have children. They may still love the person. Gaslighting relationships are confusing by design — that's the whole point. Let's not judge people for not leaving."

When to Recommend Outside Support

This session is educational, not therapeutic. Refer to professional help if:

• Someone is in an actively abusive relationship
• Someone discloses physical danger or threats
• Someone is experiencing severe anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms
• Someone expresses hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm
• Someone seems to need more processing than a small group can provide

Language for Recommending Professional Help

• "What you're describing sounds really significant. Have you considered talking to a counselor who specializes in this kind of thing?"
• "A domestic violence advocate could help you think through your options. Would you like the hotline number?"
• "I think this might be more than a small group can fully address. Would you be open to me connecting you with some resources?"
• "You don't have to figure this out alone. There are people who specialize in exactly this."

Key Resource

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Timing and Pacing Guidance

If Time Is Short

Prioritize these questions:

• Question 3 (difference between disagreement and gaslighting)
• Question 7 (tuning into your own experience)
• Question 8 (finding trustworthy reality-testers)

Cut if needed:

• Real-life scenarios (can be assigned for individual reflection)
• Some discussion questions

Where to Expect Getting Stuck

• After the tactics list: People may want to share examples. Let a few share, then move forward.
• During scenarios: People may over-identify. Keep it educational rather than therapeutic.
• After the session: Some people will want to talk. Make time.

After the Session

• Check in with anyone who seemed deeply affected. A simple "I noticed this session touched something for you. How are you doing?" can open the door.
• Have resources ready to share. A list of local counselors, the DV hotline, and other supports.
• Document nothing identifying. Don't write down details of people's disclosures.
• Take care of yourself. Facilitating abuse-related content can be heavy. Process with a trusted colleague or your own support system.

Leader Encouragement

This is sensitive material, and you may feel out of your depth. That's okay. Your job is not to fix anyone's situation. Your job is to:

• Create a safe space for learning
• Guide the conversation with wisdom
• Know when to refer
• Model non-anxious presence

The fact that your group is talking about this at all is significant. Many people suffer in silence because they don't have words for what's happening. Just naming it can be the beginning of freedom.

You don't need to have all the answers. You just need to be present, wise, and willing to point people toward help when they need more than you can give.