Codependency: Understanding Why We Can't Say No

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores the roots and dynamics of codependency — why some people find it nearly impossible to set limits with irresponsible or difficult people in their lives. Rather than focusing only on the "problem person," we'll examine what's happening inside us that keeps us stuck in unhealthy patterns.

Session Goals

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand where the term "codependency" came from and what it actually means
2. Recognize the difference between healthy helping and enabling
3. Begin examining the fears, needs, and wounds that make setting limits feel impossible
4. Identify at least one relationship where codependent patterns may be operating

Teaching Summary

Where the Word Came From

The term "codependency" originated in addiction treatment centers. Before the modern term "substance abuse," clinicians used "chemically dependent" to describe people addicted to alcohol, drugs, or other substances. Treatment centers would bring these individuals in, help them get sober, and send them home.

The problem? Many of them relapsed.

Researchers started asking what was different about the home environment. What they discovered was significant: it's very hard to sustain an addiction — or any pattern of irresponsible behavior — by yourself. You need help. Not healthy help, but enabling help.

When they studied the families of addicts, they found that someone in the home was making it possible for the destructive behavior to continue. They were bailing out, covering up, softening consequences, and making excuses. Clinicians tried teaching these family members to set limits instead.

But something surprising happened: the family members couldn't do it. They couldn't say no. They couldn't let consequences fall where they belonged. They were stuck — just as stuck as the addict.

The substance abuser was dependent on chemicals. The family member was dependent on the addict — for approval, connection, purpose, or self-worth. Both were dependent, just on different things.

Hence: co-dependent.

A Father and His Son

Dr. Cloud shares a vivid example from his practice. A father brought his family to see Dr. Cloud, complaining about his 23-year-old son who had flunked out of three colleges. How does someone flunk out of three colleges? As Dr. Cloud probed, he learned the father — a wealthy man on the board of trustees of several schools — had pulled strings to get his son readmitted each time.

The son flunked out because the dorms were "too loud"? Dad bought him a condo off-campus. Didn't want him distracted by working? Dad gave him plenty of spending money. Every time the natural consequences of irresponsibility approached, Dad intercepted them.

When Dr. Cloud explained boundaries — letting the effects of the son's choices fall in the son's yard instead of the father's — the father resisted. When Dr. Cloud suggested tying financial support to performance, the father became angry: "I will never do to my son what was done to me."

What had been done to him? His own father had died when he was seven. He'd been alone, without a father's help, and he'd vowed never to let his son experience that kind of pain.

Here's the key insight: the father wasn't seeing his son clearly. He was seeing his own seven-year-old self, projected onto a 23-year-old who had received far more help than he needed. The abandoned boy inside the father couldn't tolerate setting limits — even though the situation called for it completely.

The Mirror Question

Dr. Cloud's teaching leads to a challenging question: when we struggle to set limits, what's happening inside us?

We often focus on the irresponsible person — how difficult they are, how frustrating their behavior is. But that focus keeps us from the harder work of self-examination. Why can't we untangle ourselves? What fears, needs, or old wounds keep us in the dance?

This isn't about blame. It's about honesty. If setting limits were simply about knowing what to do, most of us would already be doing it. The problem is that something in us makes setting limits feel unbearable. That something is what we need to understand.

Discussion Questions

Work through these questions as a group. You don't need to cover all of them — let the conversation go where it needs to go.

Getting Started

1. When you hear the word "codependency," what comes to mind? What associations — positive, negative, or neutral — does it carry for you?

2. Have you ever been in a situation where you knew you should set a limit but couldn't bring yourself to do it? What did that feel like? (You don't need to share details — just the experience of being stuck.)

Understanding the Pattern

3. Dr. Cloud says "it's very difficult to be an addict by yourself — you need help." How does this reframe the way we think about irresponsible behavior in relationships? What does it mean that the "helper" is part of the system?

4. What's the difference between helping someone through a hard time and enabling a pattern that never changes? How do you know when you've crossed the line?

5. In the story of the father and son, the father's enabling was connected to his own unhealed wound — losing his dad at age 7. How might our own histories shape our inability to set limits?

[Facilitator note: This question may bring up painful memories. Give space for silence and don't push anyone to share more than they're ready to.]

Looking Inward

6. Dr. Cloud identifies several things codependents might be dependent on: approval, connection, feeling needed, avoiding their own fears. Which of these resonate with you?

7. When you imagine setting a firm boundary with someone who's been irresponsible, what feeling comes up? Guilt? Fear? Anger? Something else? What does that feeling tell you about what's driving your pattern?

8. The father in the story was projecting his seven-year-old pain onto his 23-year-old son. Have you ever realized you were responding to a current situation based on an old wound? What helped you see it?

Moving Forward

9. Dr. Cloud says we need to "get equipped to go through what goes with setting limits." What do you think that equipping involves? What would you need to be able to tolerate the discomfort of saying no?

10. How might seeing your own role in a codependent pattern actually be freeing rather than shaming?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Complete these exercises individually. You can share as much or as little as you'd like with the group.

Exercise 1: The Over-Functioning Inventory

Think about your current relationships — family, friends, work, church. For each area, consider:

• Where am I doing more than my fair share?
• Where am I repeatedly cleaning up messes that someone else created?
• Where has my "temporary" help become permanent?
• Where do I feel resentful but keep doing it anyway?

Write down one or two specific situations that come to mind.

Situation 1:

Situation 2:

Exercise 2: The Fear Behind the Pattern

For one situation you identified above, complete these statements:

If I set a firm limit, I'm afraid that...

When I imagine them being upset with me, I feel...

What I'm really avoiding by not setting the limit is...

The old wound this might connect to is...

Exercise 3: Honest Assessment

Rate yourself honestly on this scale (1 = Not at all, 5 = Very much):

This isn't a diagnostic tool — just a starting point for honest self-reflection.

Real-Life Scenarios

Read each scenario and discuss the questions that follow.

Scenario 1: The Unemployed Adult Child

Maria's 28-year-old son has been living at home for three years. He lost his job during the pandemic and hasn't seriously looked for work since. Maria pays his phone bill, gives him spending money, and cooks his meals. Every time she brings up getting a job, he gets defensive and says the economy is terrible. Maria knows he needs to start supporting himself, but when she imagines asking him to leave or cutting off the money, she feels physically sick. Her own mother was cold and critical, and Maria swore she'd never be that kind of parent.

Discussion Questions:

• What is Maria's "helping" actually accomplishing?
• What might Maria be dependent on in this situation?
• How might Maria's history with her own mother be affecting her ability to set limits now?
• What would loving her son actually look like?

Scenario 2: The Unreliable Friend

James has a close friend from college who constantly creates chaos — missed deadlines at work, relationship drama, financial emergencies. James has loaned him money several times (most of which wasn't paid back), let him crash on his couch for "a few weeks" that turned into months, and spent countless hours listening to the same problems over and over. James feels exhausted but also feels like he'd be abandoning his friend if he pulled back. "Who else does he have?" James asks himself.

Discussion Questions:

• How would you describe the pattern between James and his friend?
• What fears might be keeping James locked in this relationship?
• Is James being a good friend? What would good friendship actually require here?
• What would "getting equipped to go through what goes with setting limits" look like for James?

Scenario 3: The Difficult Parent

Sarah's elderly mother has always been controlling and critical. Now that her mother is in poor health, Sarah feels obligated to manage everything — medical appointments, finances, daily check-ins. Her mother is never satisfied, frequently criticizes Sarah's efforts, and manipulates Sarah with guilt when she doesn't drop everything to help. Sarah's siblings have set limits with their mother and maintain their distance. Sarah can't imagine doing that — even though she's exhausted, resentful, and anxious much of the time.

Discussion Questions:

• What might be driving Sarah's inability to set limits when her siblings have been able to?
• How might Sarah's own needs be met by staying in this pattern?
• What's the difference between honoring your parent and being controlled by them?
• If Sarah came to you for advice, what would you tell her?

Practice Assignments

Between now and the next session, try one of these experiments:

Option A: Notice and Name

This week, notice when you're about to help, rescue, or fix something that isn't yours to fix. Before you act, pause and name what you're feeling. What fear or need is driving the urge? You don't have to change your behavior yet — just practice awareness.

Option B: The Small No

Identify one low-stakes situation where you can practice saying no — something that matters but isn't huge. Notice what feelings come up when you hold the boundary. Notice what happens to the relationship. Journal about what you experienced.

Option C: The History Conversation

If you have a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor, share what you're learning about codependency. Tell them about a situation where you struggle to set limits. Ask them if they see any connections between your current patterns and your history. Listen to their perspective.

Closing Reflection

Codependency isn't a verdict — it's an invitation to honest self-examination.

Most of us arrived at our codependent patterns for understandable reasons. We learned to read the room, manage others' emotions, and keep the peace because that's what our families or circumstances required. The problem isn't that we learned to help; it's that we may have learned that our value depends on helping, that others' needs matter more than ours, or that love means losing ourselves.

The path forward isn't about becoming cold or selfish. It's about becoming honest — honest about what's really happening, honest about what's driving us, honest about the difference between loving someone and enabling them.

Dr. Cloud's invitation is clear: look in the mirror. When you can't set limits, ask why. What fears? What needs? What old wounds? That question — asked with courage and compassion — is where freedom begins.

Closing Prayer (Optional)

If your group uses prayer, you might close with something like this:

God, we bring you the relationships where we feel stuck — the places where we know what we should do but can't seem to do it. Help us see ourselves clearly, without shame but with honesty. Show us what we're afraid of. Show us what old wounds might be driving our patterns. Give us the courage to ask hard questions and the grace to grow. Amen.