Codependency: Leader Facilitation Notes

For Small Group and Recovery Group Leaders

Purpose of This Resource

This session introduces the concept of codependency — why people get stuck in patterns of enabling and over-helping, unable to set limits even when they know they should. It's designed to help participants move from focusing on the "problem person" to examining their own fears, needs, and wounds.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session will include:

• Participants understanding what codependency actually means (not just as a buzzword)
• At least some willingness to examine their own patterns, not just talk about others
• A safe, non-shaming environment where people can be honest about their struggles
• Recognition that codependency isn't a verdict but an invitation to growth
• No one feeling pressured to share more than they're ready for

What This Session Is NOT

This session is not:

• Therapy. You're a facilitator, not a counselor.
• A fix for anyone's situation. This is an introduction to a concept, not a solution.
• Permission to confront the "irresponsible people" in participants' lives. The focus should stay on self-examination.

Group Dynamics to Watch For

Codependency touches deep patterns and old wounds. Here's what may surface and how to respond:

1. Externalizing / Focusing on Others

What it looks like: Participants spend all their time talking about the difficult person in their life rather than examining their own patterns. "My husband is so irresponsible..." "My mom is so manipulative..." "If only my son would..."

Why it happens: It's much easier (and less painful) to focus on someone else's problems than to look at our own role in a stuck pattern. This is especially true for codependents, who have often learned to focus outward rather than inward.

How to respond: Gently redirect without shaming. Try: "It sounds like that relationship is really hard. I'm curious — when you think about setting a limit there, what comes up for you?" Or: "What Dr. Cloud is asking us to do is look in the mirror. When you imagine saying no to [person], what feeling stops you?"

2. Intellectualizing / Staying Abstract

What it looks like: Participants discuss codependency as a concept but avoid applying it to themselves. They might analyze the father in Dr. Cloud's story without connecting it to their own lives.

Why it happens: Staying in your head is a way of avoiding your heart. If I'm just thinking about codependency theoretically, I don't have to feel the discomfort of recognizing it in myself.

How to respond: Ask grounding questions: "Does any of this hit close to home for you?" Or share briefly from your own experience if appropriate: "When I first heard this, I thought about my relationship with [X]..." This gives permission for others to get personal.

3. Over-Disclosure / Trauma Dumping

What it looks like: A participant shares extensively about traumatic experiences — an addicted parent, an abusive relationship, childhood neglect — in ways that overwhelm the group or themselves.

Why it happens: This material often touches deep wounds. Someone may finally feel permission to talk about something they've never talked about before, and it all comes out at once.

How to respond: Honor the vulnerability while protecting the group and the individual. Try: "Thank you for sharing something so personal. That sounds like a really painful experience. I want to make sure you get the support you deserve — would it be okay if we talked after group about some resources that might help?" Then gently redirect: "Let's come back to the group. Others may be having similar experiences. [Next discussion question.]"

4. Defensiveness or Resistance

What it looks like: A participant pushes back against the material. "This is blaming the victim." "I'm just trying to help — what's wrong with that?" "So I'm supposed to just abandon my family member?"

Why it happens: The suggestion that we might be part of the problem can feel threatening, especially if we've built our identity around being the helper, the strong one, the one who holds things together.

How to respond: Don't argue. Validate the concern and redirect. "That's an important question, and I don't think Dr. Cloud is saying we should stop caring about people. What he's asking is whether the help we're giving is actually helping — or whether it might be keeping everyone stuck. What do you think?"

5. Shame Spiraling

What it looks like: A participant turns the material into self-attack. "I'm such a terrible person." "I've been doing this wrong for years." "I've ruined my child's life by enabling them."

Why it happens: Codependents often have a strong inner critic. Recognition of a pattern can quickly become self-condemnation.

How to respond: Interrupt the spiral with grace. "I want to stop you there. Recognizing a pattern isn't the same as being a terrible person. Most of us learned these patterns for really understandable reasons — often as ways of surviving difficult situations. The point isn't to beat yourself up; it's to see clearly so you can start to grow."

6. The Fix-It Impulse

What it looks like: Participants start giving each other advice. "You should just tell him..." "Have you tried..." "What worked for me was..."

Why it happens: Ironically, the impulse to fix other people's problems is itself a codependent pattern. It's also how many people have learned to show care.

How to respond: Gently redirect toward presence rather than problem-solving. "I appreciate the impulse to help — but let's practice something different tonight. Instead of jumping to solutions, let's just be with each other in the hard stuff. Sometimes being heard matters more than being fixed."

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect (with language examples)

What NOT to Push

• Don't push anyone to identify as "codependent." The goal is insight, not labels.
• Don't push anyone to share specific details about their relationships or history.
• Don't push anyone toward a particular action (setting a boundary, having a conversation, etc.). This is about awareness, not behavior change — behavior change comes later.
• Don't push toward forgiveness or reconciliation with difficult people. This material is about self-examination, not repairing relationships.

Your Role

You are a facilitator, not a counselor. Your job is to:

• Create a safe space for honest conversation
• Keep the discussion moving and inclusive
• Gently redirect when things go off track
• Model appropriate vulnerability without making it about you
• Point people toward additional resources when needed

You are NOT responsible for:

• Solving anyone's problems
• Providing therapy or deep emotional processing
• Having all the answers
• Making everyone feel better by the end

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"Setting boundaries is selfish/unloving."

Gentle correction: "Dr. Cloud's framework actually suggests that enabling — helping someone avoid the consequences of their choices — isn't loving. It keeps them stuck. Real love sometimes means letting people experience the weight of their decisions so they have the opportunity to grow."

"Codependency means I'm weak or broken."

Gentle correction: "Codependency isn't a character flaw. Most of us developed these patterns because they helped us survive difficult situations — chaotic families, unpredictable relationships, environments where we had to manage others' emotions to stay safe. Recognizing the pattern isn't about shame; it's about seeing clearly so we can grow."

"If I stop enabling, I'm abandoning them."

Gentle correction: "There's a difference between abandoning someone and allowing them to face the natural consequences of their choices. The father in Dr. Cloud's story confused those two things because of his own wound. Letting someone experience reality isn't the same as throwing them out on the street."

"I just need to try harder to help them."

Gentle correction: "If trying harder to help was going to work, it probably would have worked by now. Dr. Cloud is suggesting that the help itself might be part of what's keeping everyone stuck. What would it look like to help differently — or to step back and let them find their own way?"

"This is about controlling difficult people."

Gentle correction: "Actually, it's the opposite. Codependency often involves trying to control outcomes — managing someone's problems so they don't have to face them. Boundaries aren't about controlling others; they're about taking ownership of what's ours and letting others take ownership of what's theirs."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs Someone May Need More Than a Small Group

• They're in a relationship with an active addict who is not in recovery
• They describe situations that sound like abuse (emotional, physical, financial)
• They seem to be in emotional crisis rather than just processing the material
• They share details that suggest significant trauma in their history
• They express hopelessness, despair, or thoughts of self-harm
• The same painful story comes up repeatedly without movement or insight

How to Have the Conversation

Pull the person aside after the group — don't single them out during the session. Use language like:

"I've really appreciated your openness tonight. What you shared sounds like it carries a lot of weight. I wonder if a counselor who specializes in [codependency/family systems/trauma/addiction] might be a helpful resource — not because anything is wrong with you, but because you deserve support that goes deeper than a small group can offer. Would you be open to me sharing some names?"

Resources to Have Available

• Names of counselors in your area who work with codependency, family systems, or addiction
• Information about Al-Anon, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), or similar support groups
• Contact information for your church's pastoral care or counseling ministry
• A crisis line number if someone is in immediate distress

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Time Allocation (90-minute session)

Prioritizing If Time Is Short

If you're running behind, prioritize in this order:

1. Teaching Summary — they need the foundation
2. Discussion Questions 5-7 — the heart of the session
3. One Reflection Exercise
4. Closing and practice assignments

You can skip:

• Scenario discussions (save for a follow-up session)
• Some of the opening discussion questions

Where to Expect Stickiness

• Question 5 (about the father's wound and personal history) — Allow silence. This is hard. Don't fill the silence with your own words.
• Reflection Exercise 2 (the fear behind the pattern) — Some people will resist this. Don't force it.
• Scenarios — These can generate a lot of discussion and advice-giving. Keep the focus on insight, not solutions.

Leader Encouragement

If you're leading this session, there's a good chance you've wrestled with codependency yourself. That's okay. In fact, it might make you a better facilitator.

You don't need to have all the answers. You don't need to fix anyone. You don't need to be "over" your own struggles to help others start examining theirs.

Your job is to show up, create safety, keep the conversation moving, and trust that the material and the Holy Spirit will do the heavy lifting.

Some things to remember:

• Silence is okay. Let it breathe.
• You don't have to respond to everything someone shares. Sometimes "Thank you for sharing that" is enough.
• If you don't know what to say, try: "That's a really important observation. What do others think?"
• It's okay to acknowledge when the material is hitting close to home for you. Brief, appropriate self-disclosure can create safety.
• You can't force insight. You can only create conditions where it's possible.

Finally: you're not alone in this. Lean on your pastoral team, your co-leaders, and your own support network. Facilitation is demanding work, and you need people in your corner too.

Thank you for leading. The fact that you're preparing this carefully means you care — and that matters more than you know.