Boundaries with Technology

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session addresses one of the most pervasive yet under-discussed challenges of modern life: our relationship with technology. Nearly everyone in your group will relate to this struggle, making it a rich topic for honest conversation and practical application.

Session Goals

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Recognize how technology has eliminated natural boundaries around their time and attention
2. Identify specific areas where digital habits are costing them presence, productivity, or peace
3. Understand the principle "find the misery and make a rule" as a framework for change
4. Leave with 1-2 concrete personal rules they commit to trying this week

Teaching Summary

The Boundaries Have Disappeared

There was a time when work stayed at work and home stayed at home. Time and space created natural boundaries. When you left the office, work couldn't find you. When you were with your family, you were with your family.

Dr. Cloud tells the story of encountering a doctor at a golf course when he was young. "Most people are at work," young Henry said. The doctor pointed to his waist — he had a pager. "I am at work," he said. That pager represented the first piercing of the boundary. Suddenly, work could find you anywhere.

Then came the cell phone. Then email on the phone. Then everything on the phone. The walls didn't come down all at once — they eroded gradually until they were gone. Now we carry devices that make us findable by anybody, anywhere, at any time, for any reason.

Think about that phrase: findable by anybody, anywhere, at any time, for any reason. Does that feel freeing or intrusive? For most of us, if we're honest, it feels like we've lost something — even if we're not sure what.

The Cost We're Paying

This constant connectivity creates real problems:

In relationships: A wife cries in counseling because whenever she and her husband go on a date, he's looking at his phone the whole time. She's longing for connection, but there's a screen between them. This is happening in marriages, friendships, and families everywhere.

In productivity: Research shows that when you're doing focused, deep work and you stop to check an email — even for 30 seconds — you don't lose 30 seconds. You lose up to 20 minutes. Everything your brain was processing, all the ideas forming below the surface, gets dumped. You have to start over. We dramatically underestimate the cost of interruption.

In our own minds: Our brains never get downtime. We're always consuming, always available, always connected. Research shows that increased social media use correlates with increased depression. Watching someone else's curated life while numbing out on your couch doesn't build a life — it empties one.

In our families: Kids are watching. When parents are constantly on their phones, children learn that devices are more important than presence. We're modeling digital habits we don't want our children to inherit.

Taking Back Control

Since the natural boundaries are gone, you have to create your own. That's always been the nature of boundaries — they're about self-control. No one can make these rules for you. You have to decide what matters most and protect it.

Dr. Cloud uses a phrase: "Find the misery and make a rule." Where is technology creating patterns of frustration, disconnection, or lost time in your life? Name those places specifically, and create concrete rules to address them.

These rules aren't restrictions — they're protections. Remember what Jesus said about the Sabbath: "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath." Rules you create for yourself exist to serve you, not control you.

Some examples:

• No phones at the dinner table — ever.
• No work email after 7pm or before 7am.
• When I'm with my kids, my phone is put away.
• No screens in the bedroom.
• Phone stays in another room during focused work.

The goal isn't to be anti-technology. Technology is useful. The goal is to be in control — to use technology as a tool that serves your life rather than one that consumes it.

The Addiction Question

Here's a test: try going 24 hours without checking your phone. See what happens. If you can't go 30 minutes without feeling withdrawal or anxiety, that's data.

Social media platforms are engineered to give you dopamine hits as frequently as possible. The refresh, the notification, the like — each one triggers something in your brain that makes you want to check again. It's not an accident that you can't put it down. It's the business model.

This doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're human, using tools designed to capture human attention. But recognizing the pattern is the first step to breaking it.

Protecting What Matters Most

Dr. Cloud frames it this way: boundaries are about protecting the treasures. What are the treasures in your life? Your relationships. Your passions. Your health. Your spiritual life. Your ability to do meaningful work. Your peace of mind.

Now ask: where is technology bleeding into those areas? Where is another click or another scroll diminishing your life instead of building it?

You have more control than you think. Use it.

Discussion Questions

Opening Up

1. Without naming names or being too specific, where do you most notice technology creating tension in your life — work, home, relationships, your own sense of peace?

2. When you read the phrase "findable by anybody, anywhere, at any time, for any reason," what did you feel? Did it resonate, or does it not match your experience?

[Facilitator note: These opening questions are meant to be accessible. Most people will have something to say. Let conversation flow naturally.]

Going Deeper

3. Dr. Cloud talks about the gradual erosion of boundaries — from pagers to cell phones to email on phones to always-on connectivity. When did you first notice technology changing your experience of time or availability?

4. "Find the misery and make a rule." Where is technology consistently creating frustration, disconnection, or lost time for you? Be specific.

[Facilitator note: Give people time here. This requires honest self-assessment. Don't rush to fill silence.]

5. How does it feel to imagine being genuinely unreachable for a few hours? A day? Does that sound peaceful or anxiety-inducing? What does your reaction tell you?

6. Dr. Cloud mentions research showing that checking email during focused work can cost up to 20 minutes — not the seconds it seems to take. Where do you notice interruptions costing you more than you'd assumed?

7. Who in your life might benefit most if you had better technology boundaries? A spouse? Children? Coworkers? Yourself? What would they gain?

Challenging Questions

8. Be honest: have you ever felt defensive about your phone use when someone brought it up? What was that defensiveness protecting?

[Facilitator note: This question can surface discomfort. Make space for honesty without judgment. Some may not be ready to answer aloud — that's okay.]

9. If someone who loved you watched how you use your phone for a week, what would they observe? Would you be comfortable with what they saw?

10. What's one rule you've been avoiding making because you don't want to give up the thing it would restrict?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: Technology Audit (5 minutes)

Take a few minutes to honestly assess your patterns. Check any that apply:

I frequently...

• Check my phone first thing in the morning before getting out of bed
• Look at my phone during meals with family or friends
• Feel anxious if I can't find my phone or it's not nearby
• Lose track of time scrolling through apps
• Check my phone when I'm bored or uncomfortable
• Respond to work messages during evenings or weekends
• Feel worse about my life after time on social media
• Have my phone nearby during conversations, even if I don't pick it up
• Sleep with my phone within arm's reach
• Pick up my phone without any specific purpose in mind

Count how many you checked: _____

There's no magic number here. This is simply about awareness. Which of these patterns bothers you most?

Exercise 2: Find the Misery, Make the Rule (7 minutes)

Using the principle "find the misery and make a rule," identify 2-3 specific areas where technology is creating problems, and draft concrete rules to address them.

Misery Point #1: What's happening: _________________________________________________ When/where it happens: ___________________________________________ What it's costing me: _____________________________________________

My rule: _____________________________________________________

Misery Point #2: What's happening: _________________________________________________ When/where it happens: ___________________________________________ What it's costing me: _____________________________________________

My rule: _____________________________________________________

Misery Point #3 (optional): What's happening: _________________________________________________ When/where it happens: ___________________________________________ What it's costing me: _____________________________________________

My rule: _____________________________________________________

Exercise 3: The Freedom Formula (3 minutes)

Dr. Cloud uses this equation, especially with teenagers: Freedom = Responsibility = Love

The amount of freedom you have should equal how responsibly you use it, and responsibility is measured by love — are you doing anything destructive to yourself or someone else?

Apply this to your technology use:

Where have you been using technology freedom irresponsibly?

What has it cost — to you or to someone you love?

What would responsible use look like in that area?

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Distracted Spouse

Jason and Michelle have been married for eight years. Michelle has expressed frustration multiple times that Jason is "always on his phone." Jason doesn't see the problem — he's just checking things quickly, he's not doing anything wrong, and he puts it down when she asks. But Michelle says she feels like she never has his full attention. Even when the phone is down, she can tell part of him is wondering what he's missing.

Jason feels defensive. He works hard. He deserves to unwind. He's not doing anything bad on his phone. Why is this such a big deal?

Discussion questions:

1. What might Jason be missing about Michelle's experience?
2. What underlying issue is his defensiveness protecting?
3. What would it look like for Jason to take responsibility here, even if he thinks Michelle is overreacting?

Scenario 2: The Overwhelmed Professional

Dana works in a demanding job. Her company culture expects quick responses, and her boss often sends emails late at night and on weekends. Dana feels like she can never fully disconnect. Even on vacation, she checks her work email multiple times a day "just in case." She knows this isn't healthy, but she feels trapped — if she doesn't respond quickly, she worries about being seen as uncommitted.

Discussion questions:

1. How much of Dana's situation is genuinely required by her job, and how much might be assumptions she's made?
2. What's the difference between boundaries that might have professional consequences and boundaries that only feel risky?
3. What would you suggest Dana try, even as a small experiment?

Scenario 3: The Teen and the Phone

The Hendersons have a 14-year-old daughter, Lily. She got a smartphone last year, and screen time has become a constant battle. Lily is defensive whenever her parents bring it up. She says all her friends have unlimited access and her parents are being unfair. The Hendersons have tried various rules — time limits, no phones at dinner — but enforcement is exhausting, and Lily finds workarounds.

Discussion questions:

1. How might the Hendersons' own phone habits be affecting this dynamic?
2. What might change if they involved Lily in creating the rules rather than imposing them?
3. How does the principle "freedom = responsibility = love" apply here?

Practice Assignments

Choose one or both of the following to try before the next session.

Option A: The One-Rule Experiment

Choose ONE rule from the ones you wrote earlier — the most important one or the most doable one — and keep it for one full week. Pay attention to:

• How hard or easy is it to keep?
• What do you notice when you keep it?
• What do you notice when you break it?
• How do the people around you respond?

Come back ready to share what you learned.

Option B: The 24-Hour Experiment

Choose a 24-hour period (a Saturday, perhaps) and significantly reduce your phone use. This might mean:

• Leaving your phone in a drawer except for essential calls
• Deleting social media apps for the day
• Going phone-free during all meals and conversations

Notice what you feel — boredom, anxiety, relief, peace? Notice what you're able to do or pay attention to that you normally wouldn't.

Come back ready to share what surprised you.

Closing Reflection

Our attention is one of the most valuable things we have. Where we put it shapes our relationships, our work, our inner life, and our sense of peace. Technology has given us remarkable tools — but those tools are designed to capture our attention, not to serve our flourishing.

The boundaries we set aren't about being anti-technology. They're about being pro-presence. Pro-relationship. Pro-focus. Pro-rest. They're about deciding what matters most and protecting it.

You have more control than the platforms want you to believe. Use it. Start small. Make one rule. Keep it. See what happens.

Closing thought:

"Your relationships, your passions, your gifts, your talents, your loves — all the things you're trying to build. Think about how reaching for your phone, or another click, intrudes into this time. How is it diminishing your life instead of using your freedom to build and preserve life?" — Dr. Henry Cloud

Optional Closing Prayer

God, we live in a world of endless distraction, and we've often let it happen without thinking. We've given our attention to things that don't deserve it while the people and purposes that matter most got what was left over. Give us wisdom to see what we've been doing. Give us courage to make changes. And give us grace when we fail and have to start again. Help us use the tools we've been given to serve the life you've called us to — not to escape from it. Amen.