Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Boundaries with Technology Session

This document is for leaders only. Do not distribute to group members.

Purpose of This Resource

This session addresses how technology has eroded natural boundaries around our time, attention, and presence — and what we can do to take back control. Nearly everyone in your group will relate to this topic, which makes it accessible but also means defensiveness is common.

What Success Looks Like for You as a Leader

• Group members feel safe enough to be honest about their own technology struggles without feeling judged
• The conversation focuses on personal ownership rather than blaming spouses, kids, employers, or "the culture"
• Participants leave with at least one concrete, specific rule they're willing to try
• No one feels shamed for their phone use, but awareness has been raised
• The session stays practical rather than becoming a generational debate or cultural complaint session

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Defensiveness

What it looks like: Someone minimizes their phone use, explains why their situation is different, or gets noticeably uncomfortable when the topic comes up. They might say things like "I don't think I'm that bad" or "My job requires me to be available."

How to respond: Normalize without enabling. "A lot of us feel that way at first — it's uncomfortable to look at. This isn't about judging anyone's phone use. It's about asking whether our habits are serving us or costing us." Avoid arguing with defensiveness; it usually softens when people feel safe.

2. Spouse or Family Blaming

What it looks like: Instead of examining their own habits, someone focuses on their spouse's phone use, their teenager's screen time, or their boss's unreasonable expectations.

How to respond: Gently redirect. "It's frustrating when others' habits affect us. For this session, let's focus on what we each can control — our own boundaries. What would it look like for you to lead by example in your home?" The goal is self-examination, not finger-pointing.

3. Generational Complaining

What it looks like: The conversation devolves into "kids these days" complaints about younger people and their phones, or younger participants feeling unfairly criticized by older members.

How to respond: Acknowledge generational differences neutrally. "This does look different for different generations — someone who grew up with smartphones has a different relationship with them than someone who didn't. But the underlying question is the same for all of us: is our technology use serving our lives or consuming them? Let's focus there."

4. Minimizing or Joking

What it looks like: People make jokes about their phone addiction without seriously engaging. "Oh, I'm totally addicted, haha." Laughter becomes a way to avoid uncomfortable honesty.

How to respond: Light humor is fine, but if it's becoming avoidance, you can say: "There's some real honesty in these jokes. For those who are willing, let's go a little deeper. What is it actually costing you?" You don't have to shut down humor, but you can invite people past it.

5. Work Justification

What it looks like: Someone insists their job genuinely requires constant availability and frames any boundary as professionally risky.

How to respond: Don't argue with their assessment of their job, but invite reflection. "Some jobs do have high availability expectations. For you specifically, where is the line between what's truly required and what you've assumed is required? Have you ever tested that assumption? And even if the job genuinely demands it, what is that costing you — and is the trade-off worth it?"

6. Over-Sharing About Family Conflict

What it looks like: Someone starts going deep into family conflict — fights with a spouse about phone use, battles with teenagers, etc. — in ways that feel more like venting than processing.

How to respond: Acknowledge the difficulty without letting it derail. "This sounds really hard. Conflict over technology is one of the most common sources of family tension right now. For the purposes of our time together, what's one thing you could change in how you approach this — not what you wish others would do?"

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

• Conversations that become complaint sessions about other people's phone use
• Sweeping judgments about "technology" or "social media" or "this generation"
• Advice-giving between members ("You should just delete all your apps")
• Anyone feeling pressured to share more than they're comfortable sharing

Redirect Language

• "Let's bring it back to ourselves — what can we control?"
• "That's an interesting perspective. What does everyone else think?"
• "It sounds like several of us struggle with this. Where do you see yourselves in that?"
• "We don't need to solve everyone's situation tonight. Let's focus on awareness and one step forward."

What NOT to Force or Push

• Don't make people share their screen time reports or specific usage data
• Don't imply there's one "right" level of phone use
• Don't make anyone commit to rules they haven't chosen
• Don't shame anyone's job demands or life circumstances

Remember: You're a Facilitator, Not a Therapist

Your job is to create space for honest conversation and help people move toward self-awareness and next steps. You don't need to diagnose anyone's technology addiction or solve their family's screen time battles. Ask good questions, keep the conversation on track, and let people do their own work.

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

Misinterpretation: "The goal is to use technology less."

Correction: "The goal isn't less technology — it's more intentionality. Technology is a tool. The question is whether you're using it or it's using you. Some of us might use phones more after this if we're being more deliberate about how."

Misinterpretation: "I just need more willpower."

Correction: "Willpower helps, but it depletes. The smarter move is to change your environment so you don't need willpower all the time. Put your phone in another room. Turn off notifications. Delete apps that waste your time. Make boundaries structural, not just mental."

Misinterpretation: "My spouse/family is the real problem here."

Correction: "It's frustrating when others' habits affect your home. And also, the only person you can control is you. What if you focused on your own boundaries and let your example speak? Sometimes that changes the whole dynamic more than any lecture would."

Misinterpretation: "Technology is bad."

Correction: "Technology isn't bad. It's remarkably useful. The problem is when it consumes attention and presence without us choosing to give it. This is about taking back control, not rejecting the tools."

Misinterpretation: "If I set boundaries with work, I'll face consequences."

Correction: "That's a real fear, and sometimes there are genuine trade-offs. But I'd invite you to examine: how much of that is truly required, and how much is your assumption about what's required? Many people are surprised to find that the feared consequences don't materialize. And if they do — that's information about whether this job is sustainable for you."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Technology addiction is increasingly recognized as a real issue. For most people in your group, awareness and a few intentional rules will be sufficient. But watch for signs that someone may need more support:

Signs Someone May Need More Help

• They express genuine inability to control their phone use despite repeated attempts
• Their technology use is causing significant impairment at work, in relationships, or in daily functioning
• They describe withdrawal symptoms that are severe or distressing
• Technology use is clearly connected to avoidance of other issues (anxiety, depression, relational problems)
• Gaming or phone use has become a primary relationship or escape

How to Have That Conversation

Keep it gentle and private — after the session, not during. Use language like:

"I noticed you mentioned really struggling to put your phone down. That's not uncommon, and there's no shame in it. But if it's affecting your life significantly, it might be worth talking to a counselor who specializes in behavioral patterns. Sometimes what looks like a technology problem has other things underneath it. Would you be open to exploring that?"

You don't need to diagnose or push. Just plant the seed.

Timing and Pacing Guidance

For a 75-minute session:

If Time Is Short

Prioritize in this order:

1. Teaching summary (abbreviated if needed)
2. Exercise 2 (Find the Misery, Make the Rule) — this is the essential takeaway
3. Discussion questions 1, 4, and 7
4. One scenario
5. Practice assignment

Where the Conversation May Get Stuck

• Defensiveness: If people are avoiding self-examination, try: "What would someone who loves you say about your phone use?"
• Spouse/family focus: Keep redirecting to personal ownership.
• Generational tangent: Acknowledge briefly, then move on. "That's a factor, for sure. And what can you do about your own habits?"

Specific Guidance for Parents in the Group

Parenting and technology often comes up. Here's how to handle it:

If Parents Are Frustrated About Teen Screen Time

Validate the challenge. This is genuinely hard. Then redirect toward personal modeling:

"Parenting through technology is one of the hardest things right now — there's no playbook. The research is clear that modeling matters more than rules. How are your own phone habits shaping what your kids see as normal?"

If Parents Want Rules for Their Kids

Don't prescribe specific rules — families are different. But you can share Dr. Cloud's approach:

"Dr. Cloud had his teenagers research the dangers themselves and then come back with proposed rules and consequences. They were more invested because they helped create the boundaries. Involving kids in the process changes the dynamic."

If Parents Feel Guilty

They probably already feel bad enough. Don't add to it. "None of us are doing this perfectly. Awareness is the first step. What's one thing you could model differently starting this week?"

Leader Encouragement

This topic is universally relatable — you will almost certainly have participation. That's good. It also means people may become defensive or uncomfortable, which is normal. Your job isn't to make anyone feel bad about their phone use. It's to create space for honest reflection and help people take one step forward.

You don't need to have perfect technology habits yourself. In fact, if you're willing to be appropriately honest about your own struggles, it often gives others permission to do the same. Leadership isn't about having it all figured out; it's about being willing to grow alongside others.

Keep the conversation grounded in personal responsibility. Keep it practical. Help people leave with one concrete thing they're willing to try. That's a successful session.

And model it yourself: put your own phone away during the session.