Leader-Only Facilitation Notes: Boundaries with In-Laws

Purpose of This Resource

This guide prepares you to facilitate a small group session on in-law boundaries. It's designed to help you navigate a topic that can surface strong emotions, family loyalty tensions, and marital conflict.

What success looks like for you in this session:

• Creating a safe space where people can be honest without over-sharing
• Helping participants see their own patterns without shaming them
• Keeping the focus on principles and application rather than venting about specific people
• Ensuring couples leave feeling more aligned, not more divided

What this session is NOT:

• Marriage counseling or family therapy
• A place to solve deep-seated family dysfunction
• An opportunity for participants to recruit others to their "side"

Your role is facilitator, not therapist. You're creating space for reflection and conversation, not fixing anyone's family.

Group Dynamics to Watch For

This topic reliably surfaces certain patterns in groups. Here's what to expect and how to respond:

1. The Vent Session

What it looks like: Someone starts sharing and it becomes a detailed complaint about their in-laws. "Let me tell you what my mother-in-law did last Thanksgiving..." The story goes on and on with lots of emotional charge.

Why it happens: This topic hits close to home for many people, and they may have been carrying frustration for years without anyone to tell.

How to respond: Let them share briefly, then gently redirect. "It sounds like that was really hard. I'm curious—when you think about that situation now, what do you wish had gone differently on your end?" This acknowledges their pain while pivoting toward growth rather than blame.

2. Spouse vs. Spouse

What it looks like: A couple in the group starts arguing in front of everyone—or one spouse says something that clearly embarrasses or exposes the other. "See, this is what I keep telling him—he's still attached to his mother."

Why it happens: The topic surfaces existing marital tension. Some couples haven't discussed this privately and are essentially having that conversation in front of the group.

How to respond: Intervene gently but firmly. "This sounds like something important for you two to discuss more privately. For now, let's hear from some others." After the session, check in with them: "I noticed things got a little tense. Would it help to talk through some of this with a mentor couple or counselor?"

3. Defensiveness About Parents

What it looks like: When the topic of "leaving" comes up, someone pushes back. "My parents aren't controlling—they just care. I don't think it's wrong to include them in decisions."

Why it happens: Suggesting that someone might not have fully "left" can feel like an attack on their family of origin. Family loyalty runs deep.

How to respond: Validate the relationship. "It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents, and that's a real gift. The question isn't whether they're involved—it's whether the structure is clear. Can you have their input while still feeling like you and your spouse have the final say?" Keep it curious, not confrontational.

4. Cultural Defensiveness

What it looks like: Someone points out that their cultural background has different expectations about multi-generational involvement. "In my culture, we don't just leave our parents behind."

Why it happens: Different cultures genuinely have different expectations about family structure, and some participants may feel the material is imposing one cultural norm.

How to respond: Acknowledge this directly. "You're right that cultural backgrounds shape how families work, and this isn't one-size-fits-all. The principle isn't 'cut off your family'—it's 'be clear about governance.' What matters is that you and your spouse are aligned and that the structure works for your marriage. What does that look like in your context?"

5. Over-Disclosure

What it looks like: Someone shares something far too personal for a group setting—deep marital conflict, ongoing family dysfunction, traumatic history with a parent.

Why it happens: The topic opens a door and some people don't know when to stop walking through it.

How to respond: Thank them for their vulnerability, then contain it. "Thank you for sharing something so personal. That's clearly significant. I want to make sure we give that the attention it deserves—can we connect after the group to talk about some resources that might help?" Then move the conversation forward so they don't continue spiraling.

6. "My Spouse Is the Problem"

What it looks like: One spouse is clearly present for the session; the other is either absent or checked out. The engaged spouse keeps referring to their partner's issues. "If only he would set boundaries with his family..." or "She just won't stand up to them."

Why it happens: It's easier to identify problems in others than in ourselves, especially regarding family patterns.

How to respond: Redirect toward personal ownership. "It sounds frustrating to feel like you're the only one working on this. What's one thing you could do differently, regardless of what your spouse does?" The goal is to move from blame to agency.

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect (with language)

Specific complaints about named individuals: "It sounds like you have some real frustration with [name]. For our purposes, let's focus on the pattern rather than the person. What's the underlying boundary issue?"

Requests for validation: "Was I right to tell her she couldn't come over unannounced?" → "What matters more than whether you were 'right' is whether you and your spouse are aligned. Are you?"

Detailed conflict re-enactment: "Give us the headline version—what was the core issue? We don't need all the details to understand the principle at play."

What NOT to Force or Push

• Forgiveness or reconciliation language. Don't assume everyone should reconcile with their family. Some family-of-origin situations involve genuine harm.

• The "leaving" has to happen this week. This is a process. People may need months or years to work through deeply enmeshed family systems.

• Specific boundary statements. Don't write someone's script for them. Help them think; don't tell them what to say.

• Agreement between spouses in the moment. If a couple is misaligned, they need private conversation time, not pressure to agree publicly.

Reminders to Hold Onto

• You are a facilitator, not a counselor.
• Your job is to create conditions for insight, not to provide the insight.
• Silence is okay. Some questions need time to land.
• Not every problem gets solved in one session.

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

These are things people commonly get wrong about in-law boundaries. Have these corrections ready.

"Boundaries mean distance"

The misunderstanding: Setting boundaries means limiting contact or pulling away from extended family.

The correction: "Boundaries are about clarity, not distance. You can have very close relationships with in-laws that have clear structure. In fact, clear boundaries often make relationships closer because there's less resentment and confusion."

"My spouse should always take my side"

The misunderstanding: In any conflict with in-laws, my spouse should support me over their own parents.

The correction: "Your spouse should be aligned with you—but that doesn't mean they have to agree that you're right in every instance. The goal is that you two discuss things privately and present a united front, not that your spouse automatically sides with you regardless of the situation."

"If they really loved me, they wouldn't push back"

The misunderstanding: Loving in-laws would accept any boundary without question or hurt feelings.

The correction: "People can love you deeply and still feel disappointment when you set a boundary. Their disappointment doesn't mean your boundary was wrong. Healthy people can tolerate disappointment without making it your problem."

"We need to keep the peace at all costs"

The misunderstanding: Avoiding conflict is the same as having healthy relationships.

The correction: "Peace that comes from avoiding every hard conversation isn't real peace—it's just delayed conflict. Healthy families can navigate disagreement. The question isn't whether there's ever tension but whether you have the structure to work through it."

"Honoring parents means doing what they want"

The misunderstanding: The biblical command to honor parents requires adult children to defer to their parents' wishes.

The correction: "Honoring and obeying are different. Children obey; adults honor. You can honor your parents—respect them, care for them, value their wisdom—while still making your own decisions. In fact, part of honoring them is becoming the kind of adult they raised you to be."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Watch for signs that someone needs more help than a small group can provide:

Signs the issue is too big for this group:

• Ongoing marital conflict that this topic has surfaced—they're clearly not on the same page and it's affecting their relationship
• History of abuse or trauma in the family of origin that's being triggered
• Family estrangement or cutoff that involves unresolved grief or pain
• Codependency patterns that seem deeply ingrained
• Depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns connected to family stress
• Active family crisis (illness, death, divorce, custody disputes involving in-laws)

How to have the conversation:

Use language that normalizes getting help:

• "This sounds like something really significant. A counselor who specializes in family systems might be able to help you go deeper with this."

• "What you're describing goes beyond what we can really address in a group setting. Have you considered talking to someone individually about this?"

• "I'm glad you're thinking about these patterns. This might be a great thing to process with a therapist who can give you more personal attention."

Resources to have ready:

• Names of local Christian counselors who work with marriage and family
• Information about pastoral counseling availability at your church
• Books that go deeper: Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend

Timing and Pacing Guidance

For a 75-90 minute session:

If you're short on time:

Priority questions (must discuss):

• Question 2 (How would you describe the "leaving" process in your own life?)
• Question 3 (Where do you see the governance question playing out?)
• Question 6 (How do you and your spouse handle disagreements about extended family?)

Can skip if needed:

• Question 8 (parents of adult children—may not apply to all groups)
• Multiple reflection exercises (pick one)
• Multiple scenarios (pick the most relevant one)

Where conversation often gets stuck:

The "but my family is different" loop: People may resist the principles because they think their family is a special case. Acknowledge uniqueness, then return to principles: "Every family is different. And in every family, the question is the same: Is the structure clear?"

The blame game: Discussion can become a session of cataloging wrongs done by in-laws. Redirect to agency: "What can YOU do differently?"

Over-processing one couple's situation: The group may spend too long trying to solve one couple's problem. Spread attention: "Let's hear from some others—who else has thoughts on this?"

Leader Encouragement

This is a tough topic to facilitate. Family dynamics are deeply personal, and you're inviting people to look honestly at some of their most important relationships.

Remember:

• You don't need to have all the answers. Your job is to ask good questions and create safe space—not to solve everyone's family problems.

• Progress may not be visible in the session. Someone might leave with a seed planted that doesn't bear fruit for months. That's okay.

• It's okay to not know what to say. "That's a hard situation. I don't have an easy answer, but I'm glad you shared it" is a perfectly valid response.

• Your own family stuff might get triggered. Be aware of your reactions. It's fine to share briefly from your own experience, but don't let your issues take over the group.

• This might surface things in your own marriage. If this topic stirs up something between you and your spouse, that's worth paying attention to. Model what you're teaching.

The most important thing you can do is show up consistently, keep the space safe, and trust that God is working even when you can't see it.

You've got this.