Boundaries and Trust

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview

Trust is the mechanism that drives all of our boundary decisions. Every time you set a boundary, maintain one, or choose to let it down, you're answering the question: Can I trust this?

In this session, we'll explore how trust works — both in our relationships with others and in our relationship with ourselves. We'll learn a practical framework for evaluating trust, understand why people-pleasing actually undermines it, and discover how to make wise decisions about when to open up, when to wait, and when to protect ourselves.

Session Goals

By the end of this session, participants will be able to:

1. Identify the five elements that build and sustain trust
2. Recognize how their own patterns (people-pleasing, control, ignoring gut feelings) affect trust in relationships
3. Apply a simple framework for making trust decisions: green light, yellow light, red light
4. Begin developing greater self-trust through honest self-assessment

Teaching Summary

Trust Determines Your Boundaries

Think of crossing a border between countries. Before they let you in, customs officials evaluate whether they can trust you — they check your documents, ask questions, verify your intentions. If you pass, the boundary opens. If not, it stays closed.

Our lives work the same way. We have boundaries that protect our time, energy, emotions, and resources. Trust is what tells us when to open those boundaries and when to keep them closed. Without understanding trust, we either let everyone in and get hurt, or we let no one in and end up isolated.

The Five Elements of Trust

Dr. Cloud identifies five components that build trust in any relationship:

1. Understanding Trust grows when we feel understood. When someone truly gets us — our situation, our feelings, our needs — even their "no" feels different. We know they're responding to the situation, not rejecting us as a person. Do you understand the other person? Do they understand you?

2. Motive Why is this person doing what they're doing? Are they genuinely for you and for the relationship, or are they primarily serving themselves? When we trust someone's motives, we can handle hard conversations and difficult moments. When we don't, everything feels suspect.

3. Capacity Does this person have the actual ability to do what they're committing to? Good intentions aren't enough. Someone might genuinely want to be reliable, but if they don't have the skills, stability, or resources to follow through, trusting them in that area will lead to disappointment.

4. Character Beyond the basics of honesty, does this person have the character traits that sustain trust over time? Perseverance, courage, patience, compassion, self-control — the qualities that matter depend on what you're trusting them with. A friend who's great at encouragement might lack the character for honest confrontation.

5. Track Record What happened last time? And the time before that? One mistake doesn't define someone, but patterns tell us something. If someone has repeatedly violated trust in a specific area, we need more than hope to believe it will be different.

The Paradox of People-Pleasing

Here's something counterintuitive: saying yes to everything destroys trust. When we can't say no — when we agree to things we don't want, hide our real opinions, and avoid all conflict — people stop believing our yes. They can't tell where we really stand.

The most trustworthy people have clear boundaries. Their yes means yes. Their no means no. You know where you stand with them because they're willing to be honest, even when it's uncomfortable.

If you want to be trusted, learn to be real. Bring your actual thoughts and feelings to your relationships. Stop saying "That's fine" when it isn't.

Trusting Yourself

The five elements apply to your relationship with yourself, too:

• Understanding: Do you know your own weaknesses, triggers, and patterns?
• Motive: Are you making decisions from health, or from fear, desperation, or people-pleasing?
• Capacity: Do you have what it takes to handle what you're signing up for?
• Character: Can you persevere, show courage, maintain patience when this gets hard?
• Track Record: How has this gone for you before in similar situations?

You can't navigate relationships well if you don't trust yourself. And self-trust is built the same way as any trust — through experience, honesty, and doing what you say you'll do.

Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light

Not every trust decision is yes or no. Sometimes you need to wait.

Green Light: Trust is established. The five elements are present. You can open up and move forward.

Yellow Light: There's potential, but also uncertainty. Maybe they're good in some ways but concerning in others. Maybe they say they've changed but the track record is short. Wait. Observe. Verify. You can stay engaged without being fully vulnerable.

Red Light: The evidence is clear. You've tried. You've invested. You've given chances. Nothing has changed, or it keeps getting worse. Continued engagement will hurt you. It's time to protect yourself.

Waiting isn't weakness. It's wisdom. And walking away isn't giving up — it's accepting reality.

Trust and Energy

Your body is constantly evaluating safety. In relationships where you feel trust, energy flows — you can be present, engaged, alive. In relationships where trust is absent, you protect yourself. You hold back. You get exhausted just being around the person.

This is why chronic mistrust is so draining. It's not just emotional; it's physical. And this is why learning to trust well — and to walk away from what's not trustworthy — is an investment in your whole life.

What's New and Different?

If you've been hurt by the same pattern repeatedly and you're considering opening up again, ask: What's going to be new and different this time?

If the only answer is "I hope it will be different" or "They promised to change," that's not enough. Look for real evidence: Have they done the work? Gone to therapy? Completed a program? Built a new track record? Do other people verify the change?

Hope without evidence is a recipe for more pain. Verified change is worth opening up to.

Trust and Control

Trust and control are inversely related. When trust is low, we need more control, more parameters, more oversight. When trust is high, we can give more freedom.

Problems arise when we try to have both at the same time — saying we trust someone while still controlling everything they do. That sends a mixed message and prevents real trust from developing.

Healthy trust means matching freedom to evidence. Set appropriate parameters, give freedom within them, and then have conversations when things go off track. As trust builds, freedom can expand.

Discussion Questions

1. When you hear the word "trust," what feelings or memories come up for you? Is trust something that feels available to you, or does it feel risky?

2. Of the five elements of trust (understanding, motive, capacity, character, track record), which one do you tend to overlook when evaluating relationships? Which one do you weigh most heavily?

3. Describe a relationship where trust feels easy. What makes it that way?

4. Have you ever been in a situation where someone's good intentions weren't enough — where they wanted to be trustworthy but lacked the capacity to follow through? How did you handle that?

[Facilitator note: This question helps people see that trust isn't about judging someone as "good" or "bad" — it's about honest assessment.]

5. Dr. Cloud says that people-pleasing actually destroys trust — that when we can't say no, people stop believing our yes. Where have you seen this play out in your own life, either as the people-pleaser or as the person on the other side?

6. How well do you trust yourself? Which of the five elements feels strongest in your relationship with yourself? Which feels weakest?

[Facilitator note: This question may surface shame. Normalize that self-trust is something we build over time through experience, not something we're supposed to already have.]

7. Think of a "yellow light" situation in your life right now — a relationship or situation where you're not sure whether to move forward or hold back. What would help you know whether to move toward green or red?

8. Have you ever ignored a gut feeling and regretted it? What did that teach you about listening to yourself?

9. Dr. Cloud talks about "self-inflicted wounds" — situations where we keep getting hurt because we keep going back to patterns that don't work. Where have you seen this in your own life? What would "taking a different street" look like?

[Facilitator note: Allow space here. This question can bring up grief and shame. Affirm that recognizing patterns is the first step to changing them.]

10. How do you balance trust and control in your important relationships? Do you tend toward trusting too quickly and getting hurt, or holding too tightly and not letting relationships develop?

11. What would it look like for you to be more trustworthy — to have your yes mean yes and your no mean no?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Exercise 1: Trust Inventory

Think of one significant relationship in your life — a friend, family member, spouse, or colleague. Walk through the five elements and honestly assess where trust stands.

What does this assessment reveal? What conversations might need to happen?

Exercise 2: Self-Trust Audit

Using the same five elements, assess your relationship with yourself:

Understanding: How well do I know my own triggers, weaknesses, and patterns? Rating (1-10): ___

Motive: When I make decisions, am I usually driven by health and wisdom — or by fear, desperation, or people-pleasing? Rating (1-10): ___

Capacity: Do I realistically assess what I can handle, or do I overcommit and underdeliver? Rating (1-10): ___

Character: Do I have the perseverance, courage, and patience to follow through on hard things? Rating (1-10): ___

Track Record: Am I building a history of keeping promises to myself? Rating (1-10): ___

Where do you most need to grow?

Exercise 3: Pattern Recognition

Complete this sentence: "The street I keep walking down is..."

(This refers to Dr. Cloud's story: We keep falling in the same hole until we learn to take a different street.)

What would a different street look like for you?

Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Promising New Hire

Marcus is a ministry leader who needs to hire someone to manage a significant project. A candidate, David, interviews well. He's enthusiastic, has the right background, and says all the right things. But when Marcus calls David's references, he gets vague responses — nothing bad, but nothing definitively good either. One reference mentions that David "had some struggles" at a previous job but has "grown a lot." David explains that he went through a hard season but has learned from it.

Marcus feels pressure to fill the position quickly. David seems like a great fit on paper.

Discussion Questions:

• Using the five elements, what does Marcus know and what doesn't he know?
• Is this a green light, yellow light, or red light situation?
• What would it look like to move forward wisely without either rejecting David unfairly or rushing in blindly?

Scenario 2: The Friend Who's Always in Crisis

Rachel has a longtime friend, Jen, who always seems to be in crisis. Every few months, Jen calls Rachel in distress — relationship problems, money problems, work problems. Rachel has listened, given advice, lent money, and helped in countless ways. But nothing ever changes. Jen doesn't follow through on advice, the money disappears, and the same problems keep recurring.

Recently, Jen called again. She says this time is different — she's finally ready to make changes and really needs Rachel's help. Rachel feels exhausted but also guilty. This is her oldest friend.

Discussion Questions:

• How would you evaluate trust in this relationship using the five elements?
• What is Rachel's responsibility here? What isn't?
• What might "taking a different street" look like for Rachel without completely abandoning the friendship?
• How can Rachel tell if "this time is different" is real or just another cycle?

Scenario 3: The Gut Feeling

Kevin has been dating someone new for three months. On paper, she's wonderful — kind, attractive, shared values, similar interests. His friends all like her. But something doesn't feel right to Kevin, and he can't explain what it is. Nothing bad has happened. She hasn't done anything wrong. He just has a nagging sense that something is off.

When he mentions this to a friend, the friend says, "You're overthinking it. You've just been hurt before and you're scared of getting close again."

Discussion Questions:

• Should Kevin trust his gut feeling? Why or why not?
• How could Kevin investigate this feeling without either dismissing it or becoming paranoid?
• What's the difference between intuition informed by wisdom and fear masquerading as intuition?
• What would a "yellow light" approach look like in this situation?

Practice Assignments

For This Week

Experiment 1: Notice the Yes That Means No

This week, pay attention to moments when you say yes but you really mean no (or maybe, or not now). Don't necessarily change your behavior — just notice it. Keep a mental note or brief journal entry:

• What did you agree to?
• What did you actually feel?
• Why did you say yes anyway?
• What was the cost (energy, time, resentment)?

Come back next week ready to share what you noticed.

Experiment 2: Trust Check-In

Choose one relationship where trust feels uncertain. Before your next interaction with that person, briefly review the five elements in your mind: understanding, motive, capacity, character, track record. Notice if this framework helps you engage differently — with more clarity, better questions, or healthier expectations.

Closing Reflection

Trust is essential to every relationship you have — including the relationship with yourself. Without it, you either stay isolated and protected, or you keep getting hurt by the same patterns over and over.

But trust isn't blind. It's not naive. Healthy trust is clear-eyed, built on evidence, and willing to adjust as new information comes in.

The goal isn't to become suspicious of everyone or to wall yourself off from connection. The goal is wisdom — learning to recognize what's trustworthy and what isn't, and having the courage to respond accordingly.

You can learn to trust yourself. You can learn to trust the right people. And you can learn to stop walking down streets that only lead to holes.

It takes practice. It takes honesty. And it takes the kind of community where you can process these questions with others who are doing the same work.

Optional Closing Prayer

God, trusting is hard — especially when we've been hurt. Help us to be wise without becoming cynical. Give us the courage to open up when it's safe, and the strength to protect ourselves when it isn't. Teach us to trust ourselves — not because we're perfect, but because you're growing us. And show us the patterns we've been blind to, so we can finally take a different street. Amen.

This resource is part of the Boundaries and Trust series, designed to help you build healthy, life-giving relationships through practical wisdom and honest self-reflection.