Boundaries and Trust

Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

This document is for group leaders only and should not be distributed to participants.

1. Purpose of This Resource

This session explores trust as the foundation for all boundary decisions. Your role as a facilitator is to create a space where participants can honestly examine their relationship with trust — both trusting others and trusting themselves.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session will help participants:

• Gain a practical framework (the five elements) for evaluating trust
• Recognize their own patterns around trust — whether they tend toward naive openness, self-protective isolation, or something in between
• Begin to develop greater self-awareness and self-trust
• Feel less alone in their struggles with trust

Success is not about everyone sharing their deepest wounds or resolving major relational issues in one session. Progress may look like a participant simply naming a pattern they hadn't seen before, or feeling permission to listen to their gut for the first time.

2. Group Dynamics to Watch For

Trust conversations can surface deep pain. Be prepared for these dynamics:

Pain from Past Betrayals

What it looks like: A participant shares about infidelity, abandonment, fraud, or other significant betrayal. Emotions may be raw — tears, anger, visible distress.

How to respond: Validate the pain without trying to fix it. "That's a significant wound. Thank you for trusting us with that." Don't immediately pivot to lessons learned or silver linings. Let the person feel heard before moving on.

The Chronic Victim Narrative

What it looks like: Someone describes a pattern of being hurt by others, but there's no acknowledgment of their own role in relationship choices. Everyone else is untrustworthy; they are always the innocent party.

How to respond: Don't challenge this directly in the group. Listen with empathy, but later in the session you might gently ask the whole group: "When we notice the same pattern showing up over and over, what might that tell us about ourselves?" The self-trust section can also naturally invite reflection without singling anyone out.

Over-Intellectualizing

What it looks like: Someone keeps the discussion abstract and theoretical. They're happy to analyze trust in general but avoid any personal application.

How to respond: This is often a self-protective move. Don't force disclosure, but you can gently invite: "As you think about these concepts, does a specific relationship come to mind?" If they stay general, that's okay. The material may work on them later.

Defensiveness About Confronting Distrust

What it looks like: Someone gets defensive when the topic of walking away or limiting trust comes up. "I could never do that. That's not Christian. We're supposed to forgive."

How to respond: Acknowledge the tension without debating theology. "There's a real tension between extending grace and protecting ourselves. We'll explore that — but know that this isn't about becoming suspicious or unforgiving. It's about wisdom." The content itself addresses this, so let it do its work.

Disclosure of Current Unsafe Situations

What it looks like: In the course of discussion, someone reveals they're in a relationship that sounds abusive or dangerous. Red flags: fear of a partner's reaction, walking on eggshells, financial control, isolation from friends and family.

How to respond: See Section 5 below. This requires careful handling.

Comparing Pain

What it looks like: One person shares, and another minimizes: "At least your spouse didn't..." or "You think that's bad? Let me tell you about..."

How to respond: Gently redirect. "We don't need to compare. Your pain is real, and so is hers. Both matter here."

3. How to Keep the Group Safe

Set the Tone Early

Before diving into content, remind the group: "Trust is a tender topic for most people. This isn't a space to give advice, fix each other, or judge anyone's situation. We're here to learn together and support each other in growth."

Specific Language for Redirecting

When someone starts giving advice:

• "I appreciate you wanting to help. Let's hold off on advice for now and just let [person] be heard."
• "We're going to stay in listening mode rather than problem-solving mode today."

When someone shares too much too fast:

• "Thank you for trusting us with that. That's significant. You don't have to share more than you're comfortable with."
• (If they seem to be flooding or trauma-dumping): "That sounds like a really deep wound. Let's make sure you have the right support to process that — maybe outside this group as well."

When the conversation gets stuck on one person:

• "I want to make sure we have time for everyone. Can we hold this and come back, or does anyone else want to share before we move on?"

When someone shares something that sounds unsafe:

• Don't try to resolve it in the group. Simply say: "That sounds really hard. I'd like to talk with you more after group — is that okay?"

What NOT to Force or Push

• Don't push people to share specific betrayals or name names
• Don't insist everyone apply every concept to themselves out loud
• Don't try to solve someone's relationship crisis in the group
• Don't pressure forgiveness, reconciliation, or "seeing the other person's side"
• Don't imply that distrust is a spiritual failure

Reminder

You are a facilitator, not a counselor. Your job is to guide the conversation, maintain safety, and help people engage with the material. You are not responsible for solving anyone's trust issues or healing their relational wounds. The best thing you can do is create a space where people can be honest and point them toward further resources when needed.

4. Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"This is just about not trusting people."

Correction: This isn't about becoming suspicious or paranoid. It's about being wise. The goal is to trust well — to extend trust appropriately based on evidence, not to withhold it from everyone.

Say: "The goal isn't to distrust people. It's to trust in a way that's connected to reality. Sometimes that means opening up. Sometimes it means waiting. Sometimes it means walking away. All three can be healthy."

"If I have to evaluate someone this way, it's not real trust."

Correction: We evaluate all the time — we just don't always do it consciously. This framework doesn't replace relationship with a checklist; it helps us pay attention to things we often ignore.

Say: "Most of us are already evaluating trust, we're just not always aware of it. This framework helps us do consciously what we're doing anyway, so we can make better decisions."

"Having boundaries means I don't trust the person."

Correction: Boundaries and trust work together. Boundaries aren't walls — they're gates that open as trust grows.

Say: "Having a boundary doesn't mean you don't trust someone. It might mean trust isn't established yet, or that trust has been damaged and you're being appropriately careful while it rebuilds."

"Trusting my gut is selfish or unspiritual."

Correction: Scripture talks about having "senses trained through practice to discern good from evil" (Hebrews 5:14). Your intuition is part of how God designed you. It can be wrong, but it's worth listening to.

Say: "Your gut isn't always right, but it's always worth listening to. Think of it as data to investigate, not a verdict to follow blindly — but also not something to dismiss."

"If they say they've changed, I have to give them another chance."

Correction: Hope needs evidence. We don't owe anyone access to our lives just because they claim to have changed. We can wait to see a track record before we open back up.

Say: "Saying 'I've changed' isn't the same as having changed. You can stay open to the possibility while still waiting for evidence. That's not unforgiving — it's wise."

"If I don't trust myself, I'm broken."

Correction: Self-trust is built, not born. Most people have areas where they trust themselves and areas where they don't. This isn't a failure — it's an opportunity for growth.

Say: "Self-trust isn't something you either have or don't have. It's something you build through experience. If it's low in some area, that just tells you where to grow."

5. When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs Someone Needs More Than This Group Can Provide

• They describe a situation that sounds abusive or potentially dangerous
• They reveal trauma that is clearly affecting their daily functioning
• They seem stuck in a crisis that isn't moving toward resolution
• Their emotional response in the group suggests they may be flooded or dissociating
• They mention suicidal thoughts or self-harm (this requires immediate referral)
• They're in the early stages of grief from a major betrayal and need more support than a group session can provide

How to Have the Conversation

After the group (or at a natural break), approach privately:

• "I was struck by what you shared today about [situation]. That sounds like something really significant. Have you had a chance to talk with a counselor about it?"
• "What you're carrying sounds heavy. I want to make sure you have the right support. A group like this is great for learning together, but some things really benefit from one-on-one help with a professional. Would you be open to that?"
• "I'm not a counselor, and I don't want to give you advice that's over my head. But I think what you're dealing with deserves more specialized attention. Can I help you find someone to talk to?"

Avoid shaming language. Frame professional support as appropriate for the situation, not as a sign of weakness or spiritual failure.

If your church has a counseling ministry or referral list, have that information available before the session.

6. Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Time Allocation (90-minute session)

Which Questions to Prioritize

If time is short, focus on:

• Question 2 (which of the five elements do you overlook/weigh heavily)
• Question 5 (people-pleasing eroding trust)
• Question 6 (self-trust)
• Question 9 (self-sabotage patterns)

These tend to generate the most personal insight and honest conversation.

Where the Conversation May Get Stuck

People-pleasing discussion: Some participants may push back or get defensive. Don't argue. Let the material sit with them.

Self-trust questions: Many people have low self-trust and feel ashamed of it. Normalize this: "Most of us have areas where we don't trust ourselves well. That's not failure — it's awareness."

Scenario discussions: These can generate a lot of debate. Keep the focus on applying the framework, not on what the "right" answer is. There rarely is one right answer.

If You Need to Split Into Two Sessions

A natural split:

• Session 1: Teaching summary through Discussion Question 6 (focus on trusting others)
• Session 2: Questions 7-11, scenarios, reflection exercises (focus on self-trust and application)

7. Leader Encouragement

Facilitating a conversation about trust can feel weighty. People bring real pain into the room. You may hear things that stay with you.

A few reminders:

You don't need to have all the answers. Your job is to guide the conversation and create safety, not to solve everyone's relational problems. It's okay to say, "That's a hard question. I don't have a simple answer for that."

Silence is okay. When you ask a hard question, give people time. Don't rush to fill the silence. Often the best processing happens in the pause.

Not everyone will have a breakthrough. Some people will engage deeply. Others will stay surface level. That's okay. You don't control what lands — you just create the space.

Take care of yourself. If someone shares something that affects you, talk to someone you trust. Debrief with a co-leader or pastor if needed. Your own emotional health matters too.

This material works over time. Even if the session feels quiet or awkward, the concepts will keep working in people. Trust that the seeds you're planting may bear fruit later.

Thank you for leading. This is important work.

This resource is part of the Boundaries and Trust series. For questions about facilitation or additional support, contact your pastoral leadership.