The Wake of Influence

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — especially any impulse to explain or defend.

• Do people seem relieved when you leave a meeting or a room?
• Have you ever discovered that someone had a nickname, a running joke, or an unspoken rule about interacting with you — and you were the last to know?
• Do you regularly say you'll do something and then not follow through — and expect people to understand?
• When someone gives you feedback about your impact, is your first instinct to explain why they're wrong?
• Do people come to you for results but avoid you for connection — or seek you out for warmth but not for reliability?
• Are there people in your life who've stopped giving you honest feedback? (They used to tell you hard things, and now they don't.)
• Do you justify an imbalanced wake with phrases like "I'm just direct" or "I'm a people person — the details will work out"?
• Is there a gap between how you think people experience you and what they'd actually say if they felt safe to be honest?
• Do you perform at a high level at work but come home with nothing left — leaving your family with the leftover version of you?
• Have multiple people in different contexts (home, work, friendships) given you similar feedback that you've dismissed?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them. Let them work on you over days, not minutes.

• If the key people in your life were completely, brutally honest — not what you hope, but what they'd actually say — what would they tell you about what it's like to be on the other side of you?
• Which side of your wake do you overvalue — relationships or results? And what has that imbalance cost the people closest to you?
• If there were a nickname for your negative wake — the way Dr. Cloud's team coined "the wrath of Henry" — what would yours be? What pattern does it capture?
• Where did you learn your current wake pattern? Who modeled it for you — a parent, a boss, a culture? And is that the wake you actually want to leave?
• What would have to change in you — not your circumstances, not other people — for your impact to match your intentions?
• Who have you stopped asking for feedback? And is that because you've genuinely grown, or because you've surrounded yourself with people who won't challenge you?
• If you could stand behind yourself and watch your interactions for a week, what patterns would embarrass you? What patterns would make you proud?
• What are you afraid you'd hear if you asked "What's it like to be on the other side of me?" — and what does that fear tell you about what you already suspect?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice your wake in real time. After every significant interaction this week — a meeting, a conversation with your spouse, a moment with your kids — pause and ask yourself two questions: "How did that person feel after that interaction?" and "Did I deliver on what I was supposed to?" Don't change anything yet. Just notice. Keep a simple log: the interaction, how you think it landed relationally, and whether you followed through on the results side.

Week 2: Ask the wake question. Choose one person who lives in your wake — someone who knows you well enough to give meaningful feedback. Sit down with them and say: "I'm trying to understand my actual impact, not just my intentions. What's it like to be on the other side of me? How do you experience me relationally, and how do you experience me in terms of follow-through and reliability? I'm not here to argue — I want to learn." Then listen. Don't defend. Take notes if it helps. Thank them.

Week 3: Make one repair. Think of someone you've affected negatively — someone you've left wounded, disappointed, or carrying your mess. Go back to that person and own it. Say something like: "I've been thinking about how I've affected you, and I realize I left you [hurt/disappointed/carrying something that was mine to handle]. I'm sorry. That's not the impact I want to have." Notice what happens — in them and in you.

Week 4: Address your weak side. If you're strong on results but weak relationally, spend this week doing one specific thing: ask about people's lives before diving into tasks. In every conversation, lead with the person before the agenda. If you're strong relationally but weak on results, pick one commitment you've been letting slide and follow through on it completely — no excuses, no renegotiating, no "I forgot."

Week 5: Make it a family practice. Dr. Cloud describes doing this with his own kids — a family meeting where everyone goes around the table. "What did Mom do this week that you loved? What could she do better? What about Dad?" Start with yourself. Take the heat first. Then let the kids go. When catching each other becomes normal and feedback becomes safe, something intimate happens. You learn to laugh at each other and at yourselves.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Wrath of Marcus Marcus is a high-performing manager who consistently hits his targets. But during a team-building exercise, someone jokes about "surviving another week of Marcus." A trusted colleague later tells him that his team often feels stressed and criticized after meetings with him. "You're not mean," she says, "but people leave your office feeling like they can never measure up." Marcus is genuinely shocked. He thought he was being helpful by pointing out how things could improve.

What would you do if you were Marcus? What makes this so hard to see from the inside?

Scenario 2: Everyone Loves Rachel Rachel is the most popular person on her team. She remembers birthdays, asks about people's kids, and makes everyone feel included. But she consistently misses deadlines, forgets details, and her coworkers regularly cover for her. When her supervisor raises the performance issue, Rachel is hurt: "I thought we were like a family here." Her colleagues genuinely love her — but some of them are starting to resent picking up her slack.

What's happening in Rachel's wake? How might someone help her see the full picture without crushing the real strength she has?

Scenario 3: Dan's Two Wakes Dan is known at work as a great leader — supportive, clear, and reliable. His team would say he has a fantastic wake. But at home, it's different. He comes home exhausted and checked out. His wife says he never follows through on household projects, forgets important dates, and doesn't really listen. His teenagers have learned not to ask him for help because he'll agree and then never do it. When confronted, Dan says, "I give everything at work. I don't have anything left."

Is it possible to have a balanced wake everywhere? What would Dan need to accept about himself to change this pattern?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Think about the people who modeled your current wake pattern — parents, mentors, bosses. What kind of wake did they leave? What did you inherit from them, and what do you want to keep versus change?

• Write about a time when your intentions and your impact didn't match. You meant well, but the outcome was harm. What happened? What did you intend? What did the other person actually experience? How did you handle the gap?

Looking Inward

• If the people closest to you were completely honest, what would they say about both sides of your wake — the relational and the results? Write their voices. Not what you hope — what they'd actually say.

• Where is your wake most imbalanced right now? Which side are you neglecting, and what is that costing the people who depend on you?

Looking Forward

• Describe the wake you want to leave behind. What do you want people to say about what it was like to be in relationship with you? What do you want them to say about your contribution, your follow-through, your reliability? Now write about the gap between that vision and where you are today.

• Write a letter to someone in your wake — someone you've impacted, positively or negatively. If the impact was positive, express what you hope they experienced. If the impact was negative, own what you did and what it cost them. Let yourself feel the weight of your influence on their life.