Taking Care of Yourself

A Small Group Workbook on Self-Care and Self-Compassion

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores what it really means to take care of yourself - not as self-centeredness, but as responsible stewardship of the life you've been given. We'll look at the internal voices that shape how we treat ourselves, the importance of connection with others, and the practical actions that constitute genuine self-care.

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand the difference between healthy self-care and selfishness
2. Recognize their own patterns of self-criticism or self-neglect
3. Identify specific, practical steps they can take to care for themselves well

Teaching Summary

Read aloud or silently as a group.

The Paradox of Self-Love

The phrase "love yourself" carries some confusion. You might have heard: "You can't love anyone else until you first love yourself." But that's not quite accurate. Think about it - we don't leave babies alone to figure out self-love before we care for them. No, we love them first, and from that love, they learn to become loving people. We all need love from outside ourselves.

And yet, there's something true in the idea too. We do have a kind of relationship with ourselves. We talk to ourselves. We think about ourselves. We appraise, judge, and sometimes condemn ourselves. And practically speaking, we're responsible for caring for ourselves - our health, our needs, our growth.

Here's a helpful way to think about it: imagine someone was placed in your care. How would you treat them? That's the question at the heart of self-care.

Getting Love from Outside

One of the most important aspects of caring for yourself is making sure you're getting the love you need from outside yourself. We need support, connection, encouragement, and care from others. We can't generate these things on our own.

Here's the paradox: we need love from outside, but we're responsible for getting ourselves to where that love is available. Nobody is going to pick you up and carry you to a support group. You have to take yourself there. You have to pick up the phone. You have to show up.

Instead of isolating yourself, take yourself to connection - a group, a friend, a conversation. Just like you'd take yourself to a restaurant to get food, take yourself to people who can feed your soul.

The Internal Voice

A significant part of self-care involves the voices in your head. Research consistently shows that how you talk to yourself matters - it affects anxiety, depression, emotional functioning, and performance.

Think about what you'd want to hear if you were about to attempt something difficult. "You've got this. You can do this." That's very different from "Don't screw up, you idiot."

Many people walk around with a constant internal critic. "You're so stupid. You're such a failure. You're a loser." These voices often got internalized from somewhere - a critical parent, a shaming experience, a culture of comparison. The problem is they stay with us long after the original source is gone.

Changing these voices is possible, but it usually requires new input - surrounding yourself with people who speak differently to you, who accept you and encourage you. Over time, you can internalize new voices.

Real Identification vs. False Comparison

Another aspect of how we treat ourselves involves how we compare ourselves to others. Here's what usually happens: we look at someone who seems successful or put-together, and we compare ourselves to that image. But we're comparing our full movie - including every failure, fear, and insecurity - to their highlight reel.

Healthy self-care involves making real identifications with people. Every person you admire has also been scared, has failed, has felt inadequate. They have fears and shame and struggles just like you. When you identify with the real human race rather than a fantasy ideal, you're freed from the crushing weight of impossible comparison.

Prioritizing Your Needs

Flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen mask before helping others. Why? Because if you're passed out, you can't help anyone.

The same principle applies to life. Your needs for health, sleep, love, and care matter. They're not optional luxuries that only selfish people attend to - they're the foundation that enables you to show up for everything else.

If you don't take care of yourself, you certainly won't be able to help anyone else. Prioritizing your needs isn't selfishness; it's responsibility.

Trusting Yourself

Part of caring for yourself well is developing trust with yourself. This means being honest about what you can and can't do. When you commit to something, you follow through. When you know your limitations, you acknowledge them honestly.

Over time, this builds a sense of personal integrity. You know that when you tell yourself you're going to do something, you can depend on yourself to do it. And when you know you can't pull something off, you can trust yourself to be honest about that too.

People who have a grandiose view of themselves - who promise more than they can deliver - can't really trust themselves. They just think they can. Real trust comes from honesty and follow-through.

Accepting Yourself

The people who feel best about themselves aren't necessarily the highest performers. They're the ones who have accepted themselves at whatever level they are.

Self-acceptance doesn't mean enabling poor behavior. It means being your own friend while you're working on improvement. You know you have good parts and bad parts. You're not trying to hide or perform or put on a mask. You can mess up, acknowledge it, and continue moving forward - without drowning in guilt or self-condemnation.

This kind of acceptance often has to come from outside first. When we're around people who accept us and forgive us rather than criticize us, we begin to internalize those voices. We start to see ourselves differently.

Paying Attention to Pain

Pain - physical or emotional - is a signal. It's trying to tell you something is wrong. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away; it usually makes things worse.

Some people learned early to minimize their pain. "That doesn't hurt. That's not a big deal. Other people have it worse." But a friend wouldn't say that to you. A friend would say, "Let's sit down. Let's get you some help."

Caring for yourself means paying attention to your pain and finding help for it.

From Guardianship to Self-Management

When we were children, we had guardians and managers - people responsible for protecting us and making sure we got what we needed. As we mature into adulthood, we learn to guard and manage ourselves.

Adulthood means taking responsibility for your own protection and your own care. It's not just about affirming yourself or having nice thoughts - though that matters. It's about action. Love does. When we love something, we care for it. When we love ourselves in a healthy way, we take the actions needed to protect and nurture our own lives.

Discussion Questions

Take your time with these questions. Not every question needs to be answered; let the conversation flow naturally to where it's most helpful.

1. Opening reflection: When you hear the phrase "take care of yourself," what's your initial reaction? Does it feel natural, uncomfortable, or somewhere in between?

2. How well do you think you're currently doing at "getting love from outside yourself"? Are you connected to people and places where you receive support, or do you tend to isolate?

3. What does your internal voice typically sound like when you make a mistake? Kind? Critical? Something else? [Facilitator note: Give people time here. This question may surface some vulnerability.]

4. Where do you think your internal voice came from? Can you identify any specific sources - people, experiences, messages - that shaped how you talk to yourself?

5. Dr. Cloud suggests that we often compare our "full movie" to someone else's "highlight reel." When and where do you most often fall into this trap of false comparison?

6. What's one legitimate need you've been neglecting? What keeps you from prioritizing it?

7. How trustworthy are you with yourself? When you make a commitment to yourself, do you generally follow through? [Facilitator note: Encourage honest reflection rather than self-judgment here.]

8. What would it look like to be your own friend while you're growing rather than your own critic?

9. Is there pain - physical or emotional - that you've been ignoring or minimizing? What might that pain be trying to tell you?

10. What's one thing you could do this week that would be an act of genuine self-care - not indulgence, but actually caring for yourself well?

Personal Reflection Exercises

Complete individually during the session or at home.

Exercise 1: The Internal Voice Audit

For the next three days, pay attention to your internal self-talk. When you notice yourself saying something to yourself - especially after a mistake, a challenge, or a comparison - write it down.

At the end of three days, look back at your list. What patterns do you notice?

Exercise 2: Sources of Outside Love

Where are you currently receiving support, encouragement, and care from others? And where might you need to take yourself to get more?

Current sources of support: 1. 2. 3.

Places/people I could connect with more: 1. 2. 3.

What's one step I could take this week to increase connection?

Exercise 3: The Neglected Needs Inventory

Rate how well you're currently caring for yourself in each area (1 = neglected, 5 = well-cared-for):

Real-Life Scenarios

Read each scenario and discuss the questions that follow.

Scenario 1: The Empty Tank

Maria serves on three committees at church, leads a small group, works full-time, and is the go-to person when anyone in her extended family needs help. She's exhausted but feels guilty whenever she thinks about cutting back. "If I don't do it, who will?" she asks. Last week her doctor told her that her blood pressure is dangerously high and she needs to reduce stress. She's not sure where to start - everything feels essential.

Discussion questions:

• What do you notice about Maria's situation? What might be driving her difficulty in cutting back?
• If Maria were someone else - a friend you were counseling - what would you tell her?
• What makes it hard for people like Maria to prioritize their own needs even when their health is at stake?

Scenario 2: The Internal Critic

David is generally seen as successful by others - good job, stable family, respected in his community. But inside his head, there's a constant voice telling him he's not enough. When he does something well, he discounts it ("Anyone could have done that"). When he makes a mistake, he replays it for days ("You always mess things up"). He's exhausted from the constant internal battle but doesn't know how to change voices that have been there as long as he can remember.

Discussion questions:

• What would you want David to know?
• What might it take for someone like David to develop kinder internal voices?
• How does this kind of internal criticism affect a person's relationships, work, and faith?

Scenario 3: The Comparison Trap

Jennifer scrolls through social media and sees acquaintances posting about their vacations, their happy marriages, their well-behaved kids, their professional accomplishments. She knows she shouldn't compare, but she can't help feeling like everyone else has figured out something she hasn't. She ends most scrolling sessions feeling worse about her own life, but she keeps coming back.

Discussion questions:

• What's really happening when Jennifer compares herself to others' social media posts?
• What would Dr. Cloud's advice about "real identification vs. false comparison" look like in practice for Jennifer?
• How might genuine community and connection address what Jennifer is actually longing for?

Practice Assignments

Low-pressure experiments to try between sessions.

Practice 1: The Kindness Experiment

For the next week, when you notice yourself being critical with yourself, pause and ask: "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" Then try saying that to yourself instead. Notice what happens. Does it feel strange? False? Relieving? Just notice.

Practice 2: Take Yourself Somewhere

This week, intentionally take yourself to a place of connection. This might mean:

• Calling a friend you haven't talked to in a while
• Showing up to a group you've been avoiding
• Scheduling coffee with someone who encourages you
• Reaching out to a counselor or pastor

The goal isn't to have a profound conversation - it's simply to practice taking yourself to places where you can receive.

Closing Reflection

Love isn't just a feeling - it's action. When we love something, we care for it. We tend to it. We protect it and nurture it.

You've been entrusted with a life. The question isn't whether you deserve care - the question is whether you'll provide it. Not perfectly. Not all at once. But with the same kindness you'd offer someone placed in your care.

You're allowed to need love from others. You're allowed to set limits. You're allowed to pay attention to your pain. You're allowed to rest.

And when you do, you'll find you have more to give - not less.

Optional closing moment: Take a moment in silence to consider one specific thing you will do this week to take care of yourself. If you're comfortable, share it with the group or write it down as a commitment.

If this session surfaced difficult feelings or memories, please consider talking to a pastor, counselor, or trusted friend. Some patterns of self-criticism or self-neglect have deep roots that benefit from professional support. Seeking help is itself an act of self-care.