Restoring Your Brokenness

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — especially the ones that make you flinch.

Connection and Attachment:

• Do you feel truly known by anyone, or do you keep parts of yourself hidden from everyone?
• When you're hurting, do you reach out to someone, or do you isolate?
• Have you ever thought, "No one would really want to be close to me if they knew the real me"?
• Do you have people you could call at 2am — and would you actually call them?
• Do you find yourself filling a void with substances, food, work, shopping, or scrolling — and the relief never lasts?

Boundaries and Freedom:

• Do you say yes to things and then feel resentment afterward?
• When someone is upset, do you feel responsible for fixing it — even when it's not about you?
• Do you struggle to say no, even when saying yes is hurting you?
• Have you stayed in situations long past when you should have left because leaving would upset someone?
• Does someone else's anger or disappointment feel physically dangerous to you?

Handling Good and Bad:

• When you fail or make a mistake, does the guilt feel crushing — out of proportion to what happened?
• Do you judge yourself harshly for being less than perfect?
• Do you struggle to let others see your weaknesses or failures?
• When you're in pain, do you stuff it down, numb it, or pretend it isn't there?
• Do you split people into heroes or villains — amazing until they disappoint you, then written off?

Authority and Adulthood:

• Do you feel like a kid in a room full of adults, even when you're their peer?
• Do you need permission from authority figures before making decisions about your own life?
• Do you compare yourself constantly to others and come up short?
• Does someone else's approval feel essential for you to feel okay about yourself?
• Do you avoid expressing opinions that differ from people you respect or admire?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them. Let them do their work.

• What happened to you — or didn't happen for you — that left part of your equipment broken or undeveloped?

• If a baby is designed to search for connection, and you came into a world that didn't meet that search, what did you conclude about yourself?

• Which of these four areas — connection, boundaries, handling failure, or growing up — do you sense needs the most attention in your life right now? What symptom keeps pointing you there?

• What have you been trying to fix with willpower that might actually need healing in community?

• Who taught you that your pain wasn't worth processing, or that your needs weren't worth expressing?

• If symptoms are signals, what might your symptoms be trying to tell you about what's broken underneath?

• What would it feel like to be "weaned" — so full of love and security that you no longer desperately crave what you never received?

• What would change if you stopped judging yourself for being broken and started treating it like an injury that deserves care?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Map Your Equipment

Take 20 minutes with a journal and rate yourself honestly (1-5) in each of the four areas: connection, boundaries, handling good and bad, and adulthood. For whichever area scored lowest, write down one specific symptom you experience regularly that might be connected to it. Don't try to fix anything — just see it clearly. The goal is moving from "something's wrong with me" to "I can name what needs attention."

Week 2: One Honest Conversation

Choose one safe person and share one thing about yourself you normally keep hidden. It doesn't have to be your deepest wound — start with something real but manageable. Notice what happens in your body before, during, and after. Notice whether the catastrophe you feared actually happened. This is the beginning of repairing the trust muscle.

Week 3: Practice Your "No"

Say no to one request this week — something low-stakes. A social obligation. An extra task at work. A favor that drains you. Don't over-explain or apologize excessively. Just: "I can't do that this time." Notice what feelings arise — guilt, anxiety, fear of rejection. Where do those feelings come from? Who first taught you that having limits was dangerous?

Week 4: Hold Grace and Truth Together

The next time you fail at something — big or small — practice speaking both realities out loud: "I messed up" (truth) and "I'm still worthy of love" (grace). Notice your default: do you attack yourself mercilessly, or do you deny the failure happened? Neither is health. Health is holding both at the same time.

Week 5: Make One Adult Decision

Identify a decision you've been postponing because you're waiting for someone's approval or permission — a parent, a boss, a mentor, a spouse. Make the decision based on your own values and judgment. Don't ask for permission. Notice what it feels like to operate as a peer rather than a child.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Empty Surgeon A successful surgeon works relentlessly but feels empty inside. When stress peaks, he turns to inappropriate relationships to feel something. His recovery plan focuses entirely on accountability and willpower — ways to resist temptation. But the emptiness keeps driving the behavior.

Based on the four-issue framework, what's actually going on? If willpower isn't working, what underlying issue might need attention? What would a restoration-focused approach look like instead of a symptom-focused one?

Scenario 2: The Woman Who Can't Speak Up A woman goes to the dentist. He decides not to numb her for a procedure. It's excruciating. The thought of telling him to stop never even enters her mind. Afterward, she's furious — but not at him. At herself, for not saying anything. This pattern shows up everywhere: with her boss, her mother, her husband.

Which of the four issues does this illustrate? What "equipment" is missing? What might need to be restored for her to function differently in that chair?

Scenario 3: The Flattery Trap A woman in a difficult marriage feels unseen and unappreciated. A coworker starts paying her attention — telling her she's brilliant, special, unlike anyone he's met. It feels like oxygen after years of holding her breath. Friends warn her, but she can't see what they see. The attention fills something that's been empty for a long time.

What vulnerability is being exploited here? What internal deficit makes the flattery so powerful? What would need to change inside her for her to be able to see the situation clearly?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• When you landed in this world, what kind of connection were you searching for — and what did you actually find?

• Who first broke your trust? And what did you conclude about people — or about yourself — as a result?

• When you tried to say "no" as a child, what happened? Was your will supported, tolerated, or crushed?

• What messages did you receive about failure and imperfection? Were mistakes met with grace, shame, correction, or silence?

• Write a letter to your younger self about what they needed but didn't receive. What would you want them to know now?

Looking Inward

• Of the four issues — connection, boundaries, good/bad, adulthood — which feels most alive in your life right now? Which symptoms point you there?

• Where do you feel empty, and what have you been using to try to fill that void?

• How do you treat yourself when you fail? Is there more judgment or grace in your inner voice?

• Describe a symptom you've struggled with — anxiety, anger, addiction, a relational pattern. Now ask it: "What are you trying to tell me about what's broken underneath?"

Looking Forward

• If your symptoms are signals, what might they be trying to tell you about what needs attention?

• What would your life look like if you were truly secure in connection — if you could trust, depend on others, and receive love without fear?

• What would change if you could say "no" without crushing guilt and "yes" without resentment?

• What would it mean to operate as a full adult — with your own opinions, direction, and agency — rather than a grown-up child still seeking approval?

• What would it look like to be so full that even the sweetest honey doesn't tempt you — because you're no longer starving?