Narcissism

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — what tightens, what you want to skip over, what makes you think of a specific person.

• Do you walk on eggshells around certain people, carefully managing your words to avoid their reaction?

• When you leave time with this person, do you feel full and connected — or empty and drained?

• Do you find yourself constantly defending and explaining yourself, trying to get them to understand?

• Have you stopped sharing your dreams, achievements, or vulnerable hopes with certain people because they devalue them?

• Do you ever feel like you're going crazy — questioning your own memory or perception of events?

• Is everything somehow always about them, even when you came to talk about something you needed?

• Do people outside the relationship think this person is wonderful while you experience something completely different?

• Have you been told you're "too sensitive" when you express hurt about how you've been treated?

• Do you spend significant mental energy thinking about how to keep this person happy or avoid their disappointment?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them. Let them work on you over days, not minutes.

• What are you still hoping to get from this person that keeps you coming back?

• If you truly accepted that they cannot give you empathy, care, or being seen — what would you do differently?

• How much of your identity depends on how this particular person sees you?

• What would happen if you just let them be disappointed in you — and didn't try to fix it?

• Who taught you that certain people's approval was worth more than your own sense of self?

• Are you staying engaged because the relationship is actually good for you, or because you're still trying to win a game you can't win?

• If there's no greater power than not needing something from someone, what would you need to believe about yourself to stop needing what they can't give?

• What have you sacrificed — dreams, other relationships, your own well-being — to keep the peace with this person?

• Twenty years from now, what will you wish you had done about this relationship?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice. This week, after every significant interaction with this person, ask yourself one question: "Do I feel full or empty?" Don't change anything — just notice. Keep a simple log: who, what happened, full or empty. At the end of the week, look at the pattern. What does it tell you?

Week 2: Try. Pick one conversation this week where you normally would defend, explain, or justify yourself. Instead, try: "I understand you see it differently. This is what I'm going to do." Say it once. Don't repeat it. Don't elaborate. Notice how hard it is not to explain — and notice what happens when you don't.

Week 3: Stretch. Before your next interaction with this person, do the Pre-Game Preparation: (1) Remember what you're walking into — expect them to be who they are. (2) Fill up first — talk to someone who sees you well. (3) Know your reality — what do you think, feel, and want? Write it down. (4) Decide what game you won't play. (5) Have an exit plan. Afterward, process with someone you trust.

Week 4: Go deeper. Identify one need you've been trying to get met by this person that they cannot give — approval, validation, being seen, emotional attunement. This week, deliberately go to someone else for that need. Call the friend who actually listens. Spend time with the person who reflects your worth back to you. Notice what it feels like to be filled up by someone who can actually give.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Devalued Dreams You've gone back to school at 40 and you're thriving. At a family dinner, you share your excitement. Your mother responds: "School? At your age? You'll never find a job. You're wasting your time and money." You feel the familiar deflation. Part of you wants to defend your decision. Part of you wants to quit.

What would you do? Why did you share this with someone who has devalued your dreams before? What would "not playing the game" look like here?

Scenario 2: The Charming Colleague Your coworker is brilliant and everyone loves them. In meetings, they take credit for your ideas with a smile. When you raise it privately, they say you're being "territorial" and remind you it's a team effort. Your boss thinks they're a star. You're starting to wonder if you're the problem.

What do you notice about your instinct? How would you respond if you stopped needing this person to acknowledge your contribution?

Scenario 3: The Holiday Trap Your parent calls to discuss holiday plans. Within five minutes, the conversation has shifted to everything you're doing wrong — your parenting, your career, your choices. You feel yourself shrinking. You want to hang up, but you also want them to finally say they're proud of you.

What are you hoping to get from this conversation? What would it look like to walk in with an umbrella instead of wondering why you're getting wet?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Write about what "full" would feel like. If you left a conversation feeling nourished instead of drained, what would that be like? Who in your life makes you feel that way?

• Write the thing you've never said. The truth you've swallowed, the feedback you've never given because you knew how they'd react. Get it out on paper — for you, not them.

• Describe who you were before this dynamic. What did you enjoy? What did you believe about yourself? What would that person say to you now?

Looking Inward

• How long have you been expecting them to change? Have you kept going back, hoping this time they'd finally see you? What does that pattern tell you about what you need?

• Have you fallen into the Three P's — personalizing (it's my fault), seeing it as pervasive (my whole life is bad), or believing it's permanent (nothing will change)? Which one has captured your thinking most?

• Where is your "tribe"? Do you have people who fill you up? Or have you been trying to get those needs met from someone who can't give them?

Looking Forward

• Write about your lines. What behavior have you tolerated that you shouldn't have? What line, if crossed again, would require a response? Be specific.

• Write about what it would look like to stop playing the game. To walk into the next interaction without defending, explaining, or trying to convince. What would you say? What would you not say?

• If you stopped needing their approval tomorrow, what would you do differently? How would your days change? What would you pursue that you've put on hold?