Making Real Change

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response.

• Have you made the same resolution or commitment more than once — and broken it each time?

• When you fail at something, do you blame yourself ("I'm not disciplined enough") rather than examining whether your approach was flawed?

• Do you believe that if you just wanted it badly enough, you'd be able to do it?

• Have you been trying to change something significant entirely on your own — without a structured system, a support team, or accountability?

• Do you start strong but lose momentum within weeks, then feel too ashamed to talk about it?

• Is your goal something you can picture clearly — or is it vague, like "be healthier" or "do better"?

• When you think about your goal, does it come from inside you — or is someone else pushing you toward it?

• Do you find yourself stuck in the "thinking about it" stage without ever making a concrete plan?

• When you stumble, do you interpret it as proof you can't change — rather than as a normal part of the process?

• Do you know a lot about goal-setting frameworks but rarely have all the pieces in place at the same time?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them.

• What would it mean for your life — really mean — if this time you actually followed through? What would be different a year from now?

• What has your pattern of failure been costing you? Not just practically, but emotionally — what does it do to how you see yourself?

• If you're honest, are you in the contemplation stage (still weighing it) or the preparation stage (actually ready to build a plan)? What would it take to move forward?

• Dr. Cloud says a closed system always runs down. Where have you been trying to be a closed system — relying solely on your own effort and willpower? What would it look like to open the system?

• What would you need to give up — to prune — to make room for this change? What commitment, habit, relationship, or time drain is taking up space that this goal needs?

• Who are the people you spend the most time around — and are they growing, seeking, building? Or are they comfortable, critical, stuck? How does their energy affect yours?

• What are you actually afraid of — succeeding and having to sustain it, or failing one more time?

• What's in your heart that you've been ignoring, suppressing, or talking yourself out of? What's in the treasure chest?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice. This week, pay attention to every time you say "I should" about something you haven't actually committed to. "I should eat better." "I should exercise more." "I should call them." Don't change anything — just count the "shoulds." How many are there? Which ones have been on the list for months or years? Notice the gap between intention and action. That gap is where the system lives.

Week 2: Try. Pick one "should" from your list — the smallest, most achievable one. Turn it into a specific activity with a time and place: "I will walk for 20 minutes on Tuesday and Thursday at 7 AM from my front door." Put it in your calendar. Do it twice this week. Don't aim for perfection — aim for showing up. After each time, notice: what made it easier? What almost stopped you?

Week 3: Stretch. Tell one person about your goal. Not a social media post — a real conversation with someone who will ask you about it next week. Give them permission to check in. This is the moment you open the closed system. Notice the resistance. Do it anyway.

Week 4: Build. Set up a weekly check-in with someone — a friend, a partner, a group member. Ten minutes. Three questions: What did I commit to? Did I do it? If not, why? Do this for four consecutive weeks. You're not building a habit — you're building a system. The system is what carries you when motivation doesn't.

Week 5: Adjust. At the end of four weeks, review. What worked? What didn't? Where did you stumble and why? Don't use this as evidence against yourself — use it as data. Adjust the plan. Change the time, the activity, the dosage. This is what successful people do: they don't quit when something isn't working. They fix the system.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Serial Restarter Mike has tried to lose 40 pounds every January for six years. Each time, he's motivated for about three weeks, then life gets busy, he misses a few workouts, eats poorly for a weekend, and gives up entirely. By February he's back where he started — heavier, actually, because the shame leads to emotional eating. He's starting to believe he'll never change.

What's broken in Mike's system? What's missing? If you were Mike's friend, what would you tell him to do differently this time — and what would you not say?

Scenario 2: The Lone Ranger Sarah wants to go back to school to finish her degree. She's 42, works full-time, and has two kids. She's been thinking about it for three years. Everyone in her life says encouraging things, but she hasn't taken a single concrete step. When asked why, she says, "I just need to figure it out and commit."

What stage of change is Sarah in? What does she need that encouragement alone can't provide? What would her first real step look like?

Scenario 3: The Discouraged Dreamer James is 58. He's always wanted to write a book but never has. He has notebooks full of ideas. He recently heard a friend published one and felt a wave of jealousy followed by deep sadness. "I've wasted so many years," he told a friend. "It's too late for me."

Is James's problem a lack of desire or a lack of system? How would you respond to "it's too late for me"? What would a realistic first step look like?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Think about a time you tried to change something significant and failed. What was your approach? Looking back, what was missing — people, a plan, accountability, a proven system?

• What story have you been telling yourself about why you keep failing? Is it a story about your weakness — or could it be a story about a broken system?

• When did you first learn that change was supposed to be a solo effort? Who taught you — through words or example — that needing help was a sign of weakness?

Looking Inward

• Where in your life right now are you a "closed system" — trying to do something significant entirely on your own? What would it feel like to open that system and let someone in?

• The number one factor in achieving a goal is the belief that it can be done. What's the goal you want most but believe least is possible? Where did that disbelief come from?

• If you could accomplish one thing in the next year — and you knew the system would work — what would you choose?

Looking Forward

• Who do you need on your team that you don't have yet? What's stopping you from reaching out?

• What would you need to let go of — to prune — to make room for the change you want? What's it costing you to hold on to it?

• If you could write a letter to your future self — the version of you who has accomplished this goal — what would that person want you to know about the journey?