Your Hierarchy of Needs

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — what lands, what you want to skip over, what makes you uncomfortable.

• I can't remember the last time I went to the doctor or dentist — not because I'm healthy, but because I keep putting it off.
• I regularly run on less sleep than I need and tell myself it's fine.
• I have a physical issue I've been "living with" rather than addressing — chronic pain, fatigue, something I've adapted to instead of treated.
• I feel a vague sense that something is missing in my life, but I can't name what it is.
• If I'm honest, I don't have much financial margin — one unexpected expense would put me in crisis.
• My spouse (or one person) is essentially my entire support system. If that relationship is struggling, my whole world feels like it's collapsing.
• I would struggle to name three people I could call at 2 AM in a genuine emergency.
• I feel invisible in at least one major area of my life — at work, at home, in my community. Like nobody really sees what I contribute.
• I've been so focused on serving others or pursuing "higher" goals that I've neglected my own basic needs.
• I'm doing a lot of personal development work, but if I'm honest, most of it is about me — not about what I'm contributing to others.

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them. Let them work on you over time.

• What need have you been ignoring the longest — and what would change if you finally addressed it?
• If you mapped your relationships as concentric circles, where would the vacuum be? And how did it get there?
• Who would you call at 2 AM? Who would you call second? What does the length of that list tell you about your life right now?
• Where have you been expecting one person to carry relational weight that really belongs to a network?
• Are you developing yourself in service of something beyond you — or has your growth become its own destination?
• What's the real reason you haven't addressed that physical issue, that financial gap, that relational void? Not the excuse — the real reason.
• Where in your life do you feel genuinely seen and valued? Where do you feel invisible? What's the impact of each?
• What would shift if you stopped feeling guilty about having needs and started treating them as responsibilities to steward?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: The Ding Audit. This week, go through each level of the hierarchy and write down your dings — be specific. Not "my health could be better" but "I haven't been to the dentist in two years and I've been ignoring that pain on my left side." Not "I should have more friends" but "I have one close friend and we haven't talked in six weeks." Don't fix anything yet. Just see clearly.

Week 2: Address One Foundation Ding. Pick one ding from Level 1 or Level 2 — something physical, or something related to safety and security — and take one concrete step. Schedule the appointment. Set up the automatic transfer. Make the call you've been avoiding. Just one thing, at the foundation level.

Week 3: Build One Circle. Look at your concentric circles map. Identify where you're thinnest. Then take one step to build connection at that level. If you have acquaintances but no close friends, ask someone to have a real conversation over coffee. If you have one close relationship but no community, show up somewhere new. One step to expand your network.

Week 4: The Purpose Check. Spend 30 minutes writing about this question: Is my self-development serving something beyond me? Look at how you've been spending your growth energy — the books, podcasts, courses, coaching. Who benefits besides you? If the answer is mostly "me," that's worth noticing. Write about what it would look like to develop yourself in service of something greater.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Depleted Helper Janelle leads a small group, volunteers at two nonprofits, and is the person everyone calls when they need advice. She's exhausted, hasn't had a physical in four years, and her marriage feels like a business partnership. When a friend suggested she take a break from volunteering, Janelle said, "But who would do it if I stopped? People are counting on me."

What do you notice about Janelle's hierarchy? What level is she skipping? What would you want to say to her — and what would be hard to hear?

Scenario 2: The One-Person World David moved to a new city for his wife's job two years ago. He hasn't made real friends — just work acquaintances. His wife is his only confidant, and when they argue, he feels completely alone. She's told him she feels suffocated, that she "can't be everything" for him. David knows she's right but doesn't know where to start.

What's happening in David's concentric circles? Why is this unsustainable even in a good marriage? What would one practical step look like for him?

Scenario 3: The Growth Junkie Priya has read every personal development book, attended multiple retreats, and has a morning routine that takes 90 minutes. Her Instagram is full of growth content. But her roommate has noticed something: every conversation somehow circles back to Priya's journey. She talks about "becoming her best self" constantly, but she hasn't volunteered, mentored anyone, or used her considerable skills to serve anything beyond her own development.

What's the difference between what Priya is doing and real self-actualization? What indicator tells you self-development has crossed into self-centeredness? What would healthy growth look like for her?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• When did you first learn that having needs was acceptable — or unacceptable? Where did that message come from, and how has it shaped the way you treat your own foundation?
• Think about a time when you were running on empty — physically, relationally, or emotionally. What were you ignoring at the foundation level? What eventually forced you to pay attention?

Looking Inward

• As you look at the five levels right now, which one do you feel the most tension about? Not which one you think you should work on — which one creates a reaction when you're honest about it?
• Write about one need you've been reclassifying as a "want" so you don't have to deal with it. What would it mean to take it seriously?

Looking Forward

• If you could only address one level of the hierarchy this month, which would it be? What's one concrete step you could take this week? What's been holding you back?
• Imagine your life two years from now with your concentric circles full — people at every level, a foundation that's attended to, development that serves something beyond you. What's different about how you feel? What's different about what you can give?