Helping Someone Change

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response.

• Have you told this person the same thing more than a few times and nothing has changed?

• When they don't change, do you get angry — and has that anger ever actually produced the result you wanted?

• Do you find yourself thinking about their problem more than they seem to think about it?

• Has someone ever told you that you're nagging, and you felt defensive because you thought you were just trying to help?

• Are you covering for them — doing their work, cleaning up their messes, making excuses for them to other people?

• If they suddenly changed tomorrow, would you know what to do with yourself — or has fixing them become your main project?

• Do you feel like your mood depends on whether they had a good day or a bad day?

• Have you tried being nice, being firm, being patient, and being angry — and none of it has worked?

• When you imagine them never changing, does it feel like your life would be over — or just hard?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them.

• Who is this really for — them or you? And if it's for you, can you be honest about that?

• What would it mean for you if they never change? Not what would you do — what would it mean about your life, your marriage, your family?

• How has this person's dysfunction gained the power to make you crazy? When did you hand them that kind of control over your wellbeing?

• Are you more afraid of what will happen if you stop trying — or of admitting that what you've been doing isn't working?

• If you removed all the anger, frustration, and resentment, what's the actual request underneath? Can you say it in one sentence?

• What are you doing that makes it easy for them to stay exactly as they are?

• What would it look like to love this person fully and completely while also being completely okay if they never become who you want them to be?

• Have you ever been on the other side — someone trying to change you? What worked? What didn't? What did you need from them that you didn't get?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice. This week, observe yourself — not them. Every time you nag, hint, complain, or give unsolicited advice about their behavior, make a mental note. Don't try to stop. Just count. How often does it happen? What triggers it? What do you feel in your body right before you say something? Keep a running tally somewhere — a note on your phone, a mark on a sticky note. At the end of the week, look at the number. That's your current approach, quantified.

Week 2: Listen. Have one conversation with this person where your only goal is to understand their perspective. Don't correct, advise, or steer. Just ask questions and listen. "What's that like for you?" "What seems hardest about this?" "What would help?" Notice what happens — both in them and in you. You may learn something you didn't expect. You may also discover how hard it is to just listen without fixing.

Week 3: Release. Pick one thing you've been absorbing — one consequence of their behavior that you've been shielding them from — and stop. If you've been covering for them at work, stop covering. If you've been doing their share of the housework, stop doing it. If you've been apologizing for them to family members, stop apologizing. Don't announce it dramatically. Just stop. Let them experience the natural result of their own choice. Notice what happens — and notice whether you survive it.

Week 4: Speak. Have the real conversation. Start with love: "I'm bringing this up because you matter to me." State what you want — specifically, behaviorally. Listen to their response. Ask for partnership: "Can we work on this together?" If they say yes, build a plan together. If they say no, let them know what you're going to do differently — not as a threat, but as a fact. Then follow through.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Checked-Out Husband Sarah has been asking her husband, Mike, to be more engaged at home for three years. He comes home from work, sits on the couch, and barely interacts with her or the kids. When she brings it up, he says, "I work hard all day. This is how I unwind." She's tried being gentle, being direct, being angry, and crying. Nothing has changed. She's starting to feel hopeless.

What has Sarah been using as her change tools? What might it look like for her to shift from repeating the same message to changing the conditions? What would she need to be true about her own health first?

Scenario 2: The Teenager Who Won't Try James and his wife are at their wits' end with their 16-year-old son, Tyler. Tyler is smart but making D's and F's. He spends hours gaming and barely studies. They've grounded him, taken his phone, and lectured him countless times. Tyler just shrugs. His parents fight about it constantly.

Where is Tyler on the stages of change? What would it look like to apply the Joey and the Lakers framework here — connecting Tyler's choices to something he actually cares about? What's the difference between punishment and consequence in this situation?

Scenario 3: The Friend Who's Drinking Too Much Angela's close friend, Rachel, has been drinking heavily since her divorce two years ago. Angela has mentioned it gently a few times, and Rachel dismisses it — "I'm fine, I'm just having fun." But Rachel has started calling Angela at 2 AM in tears, missing work, and getting into conflicts. Angela is exhausted from being Rachel's emotional safety net but is terrified that if she says something more direct, Rachel will cut her off.

What is Angela afraid of, and how is that fear shaping her approach? What would it look like to stop being the safety net while still being a friend? If Rachel refuses to get help, what does Angela need to grieve — and what does she need to protect?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Think about the first time you tried to get this person to change. What did you try? How long ago was that? What's different now — in you and in them?

• When you were growing up, how did your family handle it when someone needed to change? Was it through nagging, anger, guilt, silence, or something else? How has that shaped your approach now?

• Write about a time when someone's confrontation or consequence actually helped you change. What made it effective? What can you learn from that experience for your situation now?

Looking Inward

• Be honest: how much of your emotional energy this week went toward thinking about this person's behavior? What did that cost you in other areas of your life?

• If you removed all the frustration and anger from the equation, what's the simple, specific thing you're actually asking for? Can you say it in one sentence?

• Where is the line between caring about someone and being controlled by whether they change? Which side are you on right now?

Looking Forward

• If you knew they would never change, what would you need to do to live a full and good life anyway? Be specific.

• What is one thing you could stop doing this week that would stop making it easy for them to stay the same?

• Describe the version of your life where this person has changed. Now describe the version where they haven't — but you're okay anyway. What would need to be true for that second version to be possible?