Gossip and Triangulation

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — the flinch of recognition is the data.

• When someone confides in you, do you find yourself sharing that information with someone else within a day or two — even if you weren't sure it was okay?

• Have you ever started a sentence with "I probably shouldn't say this, but..." and then said it anyway?

• When a conversation gets flat, do you reach for someone else's story — their struggle, their situation — to make it feel more interesting or intimate?

• Do people ever seem uncomfortable after confiding in you, like they regret what they shared? That might mean they've learned what happens to information they give you.

• When someone you know is in conflict with someone else, do you get pulled in — listening to one side, forming opinions, maybe passing information back and forth?

• Have you ever shared a "concern" about someone that was really just their personal business wrapped in caring language?

• When you hear something juicy — someone's marriage trouble, their kid's problem, their financial mess — do you feel a small rush? That's what Proverbs calls a "morsel." It tastes good going down.

• Are you the person in your family or friend group who always knows everyone's business? Do people come to you with information about others — and do you enjoy that role?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them.

• Dr. Cloud says when someone confides in you, they're putting the treasure of their heart into a safe deposit box. How many people in your life would say their treasures are safe with you — and how many have learned the hard way that they're not?

• Think about the last time you shared someone else's personal information. Was your motive genuinely to help — or was it to create a sense of closeness with the person you were telling? Pseudo-intimacy feels like connection, but it's built on someone else's vulnerability, not your own.

• If you stopped talking about other people's problems, what would your conversations be about? What would you have to share from your own life instead?

• When you're in the gray zone — not sure if something is yours to share — what do you actually do? Dr. Cloud's test is simple: check your motive and, if it seems good, go back and ask permission. How often do you actually do that versus just deciding on your own that it's fine?

• What would it cost you to be the person who simply refuses to be triangulated — who, every time someone brings gossip, says "Have you talked to them about that?" What relationships might shift? What community might form?

• Dr. Cloud says you can't have a healing space without confidentiality — it's like surgery without a sterile operating room. Who in your life has given you that kind of safe space? And are you providing it for anyone else — or are you the one leaving the operating room door open?

• What need does gossip meet for you? Belonging? Power? A sense of being in the know? If you could meet that need honestly, what would that look like?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice. This week, pay attention every time you're about to share something about someone who isn't present. Don't change anything — just notice. How often does it happen? What triggers it? Is it boredom, anxiety, a desire to feel close to the person you're talking to? Keep a mental tally. Most people are stunned by the frequency.

Week 2: The 24-Hour Hold. Before you share something about someone else this week, wait 24 hours. During that time, ask yourself three questions: Why am I sharing this? Can this person help? What will be the result? You may find that most of what you wanted to share doesn't pass the test — or doesn't seem urgent after a day.

Week 3: The Magic Question. This week, every time someone brings you a complaint or conflict about another person, practice one response: "That sounds hard. Have you talked to them about that?" Notice how the other person reacts. Notice how it feels to redirect instead of engage. Notice that most people who just want to complain don't want to be challenged to go direct.

Week 4: Go Direct. Identify one conflict or frustration you've been talking about to others but haven't addressed with the person directly. Have the conversation. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to happen. Notice the difference between the relief of venting and the resolution of direct communication.

Week 5: Ask Permission. The next time you're in the gray zone — not sure if something is yours to share — go back to the person who confided in you. Say: "I think someone might be able to help with this. Do you mind if I talk to them?" Practice the one sentence that separates community from gossip.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Family Text Chain Your mom texts you to complain about your brother. "Can you believe what he said at dinner? He's always been this way. Your father and I are so frustrated." She's clearly looking for you to agree and join her side. You love your mom. You also see your brother's perspective. And you know that if you engage, you'll be in the middle of something that isn't yours.

What would you do? What's the triangulation happening here? What would it look like to respond without getting pulled in?

Scenario 2: The "Concerned" Friend After a social event, a friend pulls you aside to share "concern" about someone you both know. "I'm just worried about them. Did you see how they were acting? I heard their marriage is in trouble." The information feels interesting, and your friend seems to want you to engage. You're not sure if this is genuine concern or gossip dressed up as care.

How do you tell the difference? What could you say? What's the cost of engaging versus redirecting?

Scenario 3: The Workplace Complaint A coworker sits down at your desk to complain about your shared manager. "She never listens to my ideas. She plays favorites. I can't stand working for her." They clearly want you to validate their frustration. You have your own opinions about the manager, and some of what they're saying resonates.

What would triangulation look like here? What would a helpful response look like — one that doesn't dismiss their frustration but doesn't recruit you to their side?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Write about a time gossip damaged a relationship you cared about. What happened? What was lost? What did you learn about the cost of words shared carelessly?

• Write about someone whose opinion you've formed based mostly on what others have told you — rather than your own experience of them. If you're honest, how much of what you "know" about them is secondhand? How might that be unfair?

• Write about your family's communication patterns. Who talks to whom about whom? Where does triangulation happen? What's your role in that system?

Looking Inward

• When someone brings gossip to you, what's your typical internal response — curiosity, discomfort, excitement, obligation? What does that response tell you about what gossip does for you?

• Think about a current conflict you have with someone. Have you talked more to that person or more about that person to others? What's the honest answer, and what does it reveal?

• What need does sharing other people's information meet for you? If you couldn't fill that need through gossip, what would you have to do instead?

Looking Forward

• What would change in your relationships if you committed to one rule: anything you say about someone, you'd be comfortable saying with them sitting right there?

• Is there a conversation you've been avoiding — one you've processed with others but haven't actually had? What's holding you back? What would it take to go direct?

• Describe what it would look like if your closest community had no gossip. What would be different? What would be harder? What would be better?