Dating as a Growth Journey

A Quick Guide to Dating with Purpose and Growth

Overview: Why This Matters

If you're single and want to be in a relationship, you've probably experienced the frustration of dating — or not dating. Maybe you haven't had a date in months or years. Maybe you keep meeting the same kind of person and wondering why it never works out. Maybe you've been waiting for God to bring someone into your life, and the waiting has turned into years of nothing happening.

Here's the truth: dating doesn't have to be a miserable search for "the one." It can be one of the most growth-producing, interesting, and even enjoyable seasons of your life — if you approach it differently.

Dr. Henry Cloud spent years researching why people get stuck in their dating lives. What he found was that the people who eventually found healthy, lasting relationships didn't approach dating as a desperate hunt for a trophy spouse. They approached it as a journey of learning about themselves, about relationships, and about other people. They took ownership of their dating lives the same way they took ownership of their careers or their health.

This guide will help you do the same.

What Usually Goes Wrong

Passivity disguised as faith. Many people — especially in church settings — believe that God will simply "bring the right person" into their lives. They wait. And wait. And wait. While God is certainly at work in our lives, this kind of passivity often becomes an excuse to avoid the discomfort of putting ourselves out there. You wouldn't sit at home waiting for a job to knock on your door. You wouldn't expect a church community to find you without ever visiting. Dating requires the same kind of intentional engagement.

Treating dating like a safari. When we approach dating as a hunt for "the one," we bring a trophy image in our heads. We quickly eliminate anyone who doesn't match our mental picture, often using confirmation bias to write people off before we've really gotten to know them. This mindset creates pressure, disappointment, and a lot of missed opportunities.

Limiting beliefs. "There aren't any good ones left." "All the good men are taken." "Dating is impossible in my city." These statements feel true, but they're almost always a way of externalizing the problem. The truth is, there are good people out there. Our job is to become the kind of person who can find them, recognize them, and build something with them.

Stuck traffic patterns. Many singles live in tiny social circles — the same coworkers, the same church friends, the same routines — and wonder why they never meet anyone new. If you've been in the same traffic pattern for years and it hasn't produced anything, it's time to change lanes.

Losing yourself. Some people dive into dating and immediately start people-pleasing, adapting, and abandoning their own opinions and preferences. They become whatever they think the other person wants. This leads to exhausting relationships built on a false version of yourself.

Unexamined patterns. Many people keep attracting the same type of person — controlling, unavailable, needy, passive — without realizing that their own issues are drawing them to those types. Our dysfunction seeks its own level.

What Health Looks Like

A healthy approach to dating looks like someone who:

Takes ownership of their dating life, treating it as a legitimate area of growth and intentionality — not something that will just "happen"
Sees dating as a journey of learning about themselves, about relationships, and about other people — not a desperate search for a trophy
Stays active and engaged — changing their traffic patterns, meeting new people, trying new things — rather than waiting passively
Has a rich relational life outside of dating — friends, community, support — so they're not dating out of loneliness or desperation
Shows up as themselves from the beginning, with their real opinions, preferences, and boundaries intact
Learns from every experience rather than seeing each unsuccessful date as a failure
Does personal growth work on the internal issues that might be sabotaging their dating life — attachment fears, boundary problems, perfectionism, or unhealthy patterns of attraction
Has a support team who can provide honest feedback, help them see blind spots, and keep them accountable

Key Principles

Dating is your responsibility. It's not going to fall out of the sky. If you want to find a healthy relationship, you need to take ownership of the process just like you would your career or your health.
Dating is not about finding "the one." It's about learning, growing, and discovering — about yourself, about relationships, and about other people. When you embrace the journey, you're more likely to find what you're actually looking for.
Change your traffic patterns. If you're not meeting new people in your current life, you need to go where new people are. Join groups, visit different churches, try new activities, use dating services without shame.
Meet five new people a week. Not dates — just interactions. The goal is to get out of your shell, practice engaging, and expand your world. You might be surprised what surfaces when you start moving.
Give up your "type." Most "types" are built from our own unresolved issues. The person you think you want might not be who you actually need. Be open to being surprised.
Check your expectations at the door. The right person might not match your mental checklist. Be willing to go out with almost anyone once (safely) and learn from the experience.
Be yourself from the beginning. Don't people-please or adapt to win approval. Show up with your real opinions, preferences, and personality. That's the only way to find someone who actually matches you.
Do your growth work. Your internal issues — attachment wounds, boundary problems, perfectionism, critical voices — will sabotage your dating life until you address them. Dating will surface these issues; let it.

Practical Application

This week:

Get honest about your numbers. How many new, eligible people have you met in the last month? If the answer is close to zero, that tells you something. Write it down.
Identify one traffic pattern to change. What's one new place, group, activity, or community you could join or visit? Commit to trying it this week.
Challenge one limiting belief. Write down any "there aren't any good ones" type thoughts you've been carrying. Then ask yourself: is that really true, or is it an excuse?
Practice engaging. Strike up one conversation with someone new — at church, at a coffee shop, anywhere. You're not looking for a date; you're practicing being approachable.
Talk to your team. If you have close friends, ask them: "Am I dateable? What do you see that might be getting in my way?" Be ready to listen.

Common Questions & Misconceptions

"Isn't it unspiritual to be so intentional about dating? Shouldn't I just trust God?"

Trusting God doesn't mean sitting passively and waiting for something to happen. You don't find a job, a church, or a community by waiting for it to come to you. God works through our choices, our growth, and our engagement with the world. Taking ownership of your dating life is an act of stewardship, not a lack of faith.

"I've tried dating apps/services and they didn't work."

How many people did you actually meet? Many people try a service, go on three bad dates, and give up. One woman Dr. Cloud worked with met her husband on a dating service — he was number 64. The process takes persistence.

"I know what I want. Why should I lower my standards?"

This isn't about lowering standards — it's about questioning whether your "type" is actually serving you. Many people's types are built from old wounds, not wisdom. Be open to being surprised. You might discover qualities you didn't know you valued.

"What if I get rejected?"

You will. That's part of the process. Rejection isn't a verdict on your worth; it's information. Learn from it, grow through it, and keep moving.

"I'm afraid I'll lose myself in a relationship."

That fear might be telling you something important about your boundaries. The solution isn't to avoid dating — it's to work on being yourself and keeping your boundaries from the very beginning. If you can't do that, you're not ready to date.

Closing Encouragement

Dating can be hard. It can surface our deepest fears — of rejection, of being seen, of not being enough. But it can also be one of the most transformative seasons of your life, a time when you learn who you really are and who you're becoming.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to take ownership, stay engaged, and keep growing. The right person isn't found by a desperate search or passive waiting. They're found by becoming the kind of person who can recognize health when they see it — and who's healthy enough to build something real.

That's a journey worth taking.

Dating