Breaking Free from Controlling Relationships

Small Group Workbook

Session Overview and Goals

This session explores why we sometimes feel controlled in relationships and how to reclaim our freedom. Rather than focusing primarily on the controlling person, we'll examine why we're vulnerable to control — what needs we have that give others power over us — and develop practical strategies for living with greater freedom and purpose.

By the end of this session, participants will:

1. Understand that control works because of something they need from the other person
2. Identify specific needs that make them vulnerable to control
3. Recognize the difference between external pressure and internal compulsion
4. Have strategies for building alternative sources of support
5. Understand the difference between reactive boundaries (cutting off) and proactive boundaries (limits within relationships)

Teaching Summary

Converting Controlling People to Frustrated People

Dr. Cloud makes a provocative point: there's really no such thing as a "controlling person." What exists are people who attempt to control. Those attempts become actual control only when we give in to them.

If someone tries to control you and you say no, they're not controlling you — they're just frustrated. The power to end the control is in your hands.

This isn't meant to minimize your experience. If you feel controlled, that's real and worth taking seriously. But the point is to show you where your power actually is. They can't make you do anything. They can only attempt to influence you — and you decide whether to comply.

Why Control Works

For control to work, you have to need something from the controller. That need gives them leverage. Common needs that create vulnerability:

• Need for approval: If you can't tolerate their disapproval, they can control you by withholding approval or showing disappointment.
• Need for them to be happy: If you feel responsible for their mood, they can control you through their emotional reactions.
• Need for permission: If you feel guilty making choices without their blessing, they can control you by withholding that blessing.
• Need for the relationship: If you believe you'll be alone without them, they can control you with the threat of rejection.

The path to freedom involves reducing your dependence on them for these things.

Internal vs. External Control

Here's a key insight: many people are controlled by internal voices, not external pressure.

The proverb says not to give "begrudgingly" (external pressure) or "under compulsion" (internal pressure), but as you've "purposed in your heart."

Begrudgingly = they pressured me, and I gave in. Under compulsion = something inside me made me feel I had to.

Sometimes the controlling "voice" is in your own head — guilt, fear, belief that you're selfish for having needs. The external person may just be triggering something that's been there a long time. Working on the internal voices is as important as setting external limits.

Building Your Balance Sheet

You can't leave a bad job until you have savings or another job lined up. Similarly, you can't stand up to control until you have somewhere to land.

Build your "balance sheet" — your support system, your alternative sources of approval and connection, your friendships and groups — before or while you're working on boundaries. When you set a limit and face their reaction, you need somewhere to go.

Purposing Your Giving

Rather than giving reactively to every demand, decide in advance how much you're willing to give. "I'll call twice a week." "I'll help for two hours." "I'll give this much money." This way, each new request doesn't start from zero. You've already decided your limits.

This is giving "as you've purposed in your heart" — not from compulsion, not begrudgingly, but freely.

Reactive vs. Proactive Boundaries

Some people respond to feeling controlled by cutting relationships off entirely. This can feel like boundaries, but it's often reaction — they took it and took it and then exploded.

The harder (and often better) work is to develop boundaries within relationships — to stay in the relationship while setting limits. This builds the muscle you'll need for every future relationship.

Of course, sometimes ending is appropriate. But if your pattern is to cut people off without trying to work things out, you may be avoiding the growth work you actually need to do.

Discussion Questions

Take your time with these questions. Not everyone needs to answer every question.

1. What's your reaction to the idea that "there's no such thing as a controlling person — only controlling attempts that work when you give in"? Does this feel empowering, frustrating, or both?

2. Think about a relationship where you've felt controlled. What did you need from that person that gave them power? Approval? Their good mood? The relationship itself? [Allow time — this is a key question]

3. Dr. Cloud distinguishes between external pressure (someone making you do something) and internal compulsion (something inside making you feel you have to). Which feels more familiar to you? What are the voices in your own head that make you say yes when you want to say no?

4. "You can't stand up to control until you have somewhere to land." What's your current "balance sheet"? Do you have other sources of approval, support, and connection, or is the controlling person your main source?

5. What does it look like to "purpose your giving"? Have you ever decided in advance how much time, energy, or help you'd give to a relationship or demand? What happened?

6. How do you respond when someone is disappointed in you or angry at you for setting a limit? What's the hardest part of tolerating their reaction?

7. Dr. Cloud talks about the difference between reactive boundaries (cutting someone off when you've had enough) and proactive boundaries (setting limits within relationships). Which has been your pattern? What might the other approach look like?

8. If you've cut relationships off in the past, was it after genuinely trying to set limits — or was it more of an explosion after taking too much? What would have needed to be different?

9. What do you think it would take for your giving to be "cheerful" rather than begrudging or compelled? What would need to change — in you or in the situation?

10. What's one thing from this session you want to remember or try this week?

Personal Reflection Exercises

These can be done during the session or taken home.

Exercise 1: Your Vulnerability Inventory

Think about a relationship where you've felt controlled. Answer honestly:

What do I need from this person?

• Their approval
• For them to be happy with me
• Their permission to feel okay about my choices
• The relationship itself (fear of abandonment)
• Other: _________________________

Which of these needs makes me most vulnerable to control?

Are there other places I could get this need met?

Exercise 2: Internal vs. External Audit

Think about a recent time you said yes when you wanted to say no.

What did the other person do or say?

What did the voice in your own head say?

If the external person hadn't said anything, would the internal voice have been enough to make you comply?

What would you need to believe differently to say no without guilt?

Exercise 3: Time and Energy Audit

Over the past week, how much of your time and energy went to:

Things I chose purposefully: _____%

Things I did out of guilt or pressure: _____%

Managing someone else's mood or demands: _____%

What does this audit tell you about where control has crept in?

Exercise 4: Purposing Your Giving

Pick one relationship or demand that frequently drains you. In advance, decide:

How much time am I willing to give? _________________________

How often am I willing to help/call/visit? _________________________

What's my limit on this? _________________________

How will I respond when they ask for more? _________________________

Real-Life Scenarios

Read these scenarios and discuss as a group.

Scenario 1: The Endless Helper

Tom's sister calls constantly for help — with her kids, her finances, her crises. Tom is exhausted and resentful but feels he can't say no. She's family. She needs him. When he tried to set a limit once, she said he was selfish and uncaring. He backed down immediately.

• What does Tom need from his sister that makes him vulnerable?
• Is the control external (her manipulation) or internal (his own guilt)? Or both?
• What would purposeful giving look like for Tom?
• What would he need to build before he could maintain limits?

Scenario 2: The Reactive Exit

Ashley had a friend who was demanding and critical. For years, Ashley adjusted herself to keep the friendship peaceful. Then one day she'd had enough — she sent an angry text and cut the friend off completely. It felt like freedom, but two years later, she's in another friendship with similar dynamics.

• Was Ashley's exit a boundary or a reaction? What's the difference?
• What work did Ashley skip by cutting off rather than working on limits within the relationship?
• What might she need to do differently in her current situation?

Scenario 3: The Internal Controller

Maria's mother passed away years ago, but Maria still hears her voice in her head — judging her choices, telling her she's not good enough. When anyone expresses disappointment, Maria crumbles, even if the person isn't being unreasonable at all.

• How is Maria's situation about internal compulsion rather than external control?
• What work does Maria need to do that has nothing to do with other people's behavior?
• How might building external support help with internal voices?

Practice Assignments

These are invitations, not obligations.

Assignment 1: The Limit Practice

Pick one small thing this week where you typically say yes but want to say no. Say no. Notice:

• What happened externally?
• What happened internally?
• Were you able to tolerate their reaction?
• What did you learn?

Assignment 2: Build Your Balance Sheet

Identify one way you'll invest in your support system this week — reach out to a friend, attend a group, schedule time with someone who encourages you. Begin building the alternative sources you'll need when you set limits with controlling people.

Closing Reflection

Being controlled is exhausting. It shrinks your world and drains your energy. But the power to change it is in your hands — not because you caused the problem, but because you have choices about how to respond.

The work isn't easy. It requires understanding what you need that makes you vulnerable. It requires building other sources for those needs. It requires tolerating the discomfort of someone's disappointment. It requires doing the hard work within relationships rather than just blowing them up.

But on the other side is freedom. Not cold detachment, but the ability to give freely — from choice, not compulsion. To have relationships characterized by mutual respect rather than one-sided control. To live your own life rather than managing someone else's demands.

You have more power than you think. The question is whether you'll do the work to claim it.

What's one step you're willing to take this week?

Optional Closing Prayer

If appropriate for your group:

"God, we confess that we've sometimes given away power that was ours to keep. We've said yes when we meant no. We've managed others' moods at the expense of our own well-being. We've been controlled by voices — external and internal — that weren't speaking truth.

Help us see clearly what we need that makes us vulnerable. Build our support systems so we have somewhere to land. Give us courage to tolerate discomfort when we set limits. Teach us to give freely, from purpose, not from compulsion.

And help us remember that the boundaries we're learning serve love — love for ourselves and genuine love for others. Thank you that freedom is available. Amen."