Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

This resource is for leaders only. It is not intended for distribution to group members.

Purpose of This Resource

This session helps participants understand how boundaries function in romantic relationships — not as walls, but as property lines that enable genuine intimacy. The material covers maintaining individual identity within closeness, setting loving limits, navigating conflict, and building communication skills.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session creates space for honest reflection about participants' relationship patterns without putting anyone on the spot or creating marital conflict between couples in the room. By the end, participants should:

• Have a clearer understanding of what healthy boundaries look like
• Recognize their own tendencies (over-adapting, being too harsh, avoiding conflict, etc.)
• Leave with one practical step they can take
• Feel supported and hopeful rather than shamed or overwhelmed

Success is NOT:

• Getting everyone to share their deepest relationship struggles
• Solving anyone's relationship problems in 90 minutes
• Confronting couples about their dynamics in front of the group
• Creating conflict between partners who are present together

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. One Partner Dominates, One Disappears

What it looks like: In a couples group, one person does most of the talking. The other nods, stays quiet, or defers. When asked directly, the quieter partner echoes their spouse's answers.

What to do: This may be the exact dynamic they need to work on — but the group is not the place to call it out. Create opportunities for the quieter person to share without pressure: "Let's hear from someone who hasn't spoken yet" or "I'd love to hear different perspectives." Don't force it. If the pattern persists, consider connecting with the quieter partner individually after the session.

2. Using the Group to Fight

What it looks like: A couple uses the discussion to air grievances. One partner shares a "hypothetical" that's obviously about the other. Eye rolls, sighs, or pointed comments directed at each other.

What to do: Gently redirect. "It sounds like this is touching something real for you both. Rather than working that out here, let's stay focused on the concepts and give you tools to continue that conversation at home." Don't let the group become a proxy battlefield.

3. The Expert Who Has It Figured Out

What it looks like: One participant has lots of advice for everyone else. They speak in certainties. They've read the books. Their relationship is the model.

What to do: Honor their contribution, then broaden: "That's one approach. What have others experienced?" If they dominate, use structured formats: "Let's go around and have everyone share one thing that stood out." Privately, you might invite them into curiosity: "Your insights are helpful. I wonder if there's something here that's still growing for you too?"

4. "My Partner is the Problem"

What it looks like: A participant describes their relationship struggles, but every problem is about the other person's behavior. No ownership of their own contribution.

What to do: Don't confront it directly — that triggers defensiveness. Ask curious questions: "What do you think they would say about this?" or "When you set boundaries, how do you usually do it? What works and what doesn't?" The goal is gentle movement toward self-awareness, not an intervention.

5. Minimizing or Dismissing

What it looks like: A participant laughs off the content. "This doesn't really apply to us." "We don't have these problems." "Our relationship is fine."

What to do: Let it be. Some people need distance from the material before they can engage with it. Pressing will only increase the defense. Trust that seeds can be planted even when someone appears closed.

6. Disclosure That Sounds Like Abuse

What it looks like: A participant describes dynamics that go beyond normal boundary struggles: control, intimidation, isolation, threats, fear of their partner's reaction to basic requests.

What to do: Don't diagnose it in the moment. Don't say "that sounds abusive" in front of the group. Do create an opportunity to check in privately afterward. Say something like: "What you shared sounds really hard. I'd love to connect with you after the session if that would be helpful." In that private conversation, you can explore more and provide resources. See the "When to Recommend Outside Support" section below.

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

Redirect: Detailed stories about specific conflicts Say: "It sounds like there's a lot there. For the group's sake, can you give us the headline version? What's the core issue?"

Redirect: Complaints about a partner who isn't present Say: "That sounds frustrating. What do you think your part in it might be? What could you do differently?"

Redirect: Advice-giving between participants Say: "I appreciate you wanting to help. Let's stay in curiosity mode rather than advice mode. What questions do others have?"

Redirect: Declarations about what everyone should do Say: "That's one perspective. What have others found? There might be different approaches that work for different people."

What NOT to Force

• Don't pressure anyone to share specifics about their relationship
• Don't require couples to discuss things in front of the group that they should discuss privately
• Don't push for resolution — awareness is enough for one session
• Don't ask follow-up questions that dig into someone's pain unless they've invited it

Remember Your Role

You are a facilitator, not a counselor. Your job is to:

• Create a safe space for reflection and conversation
• Keep the discussion on track
• Ensure everyone who wants to speak can
• Protect participants from harmful dynamics in the group

Your job is NOT to:

• Fix anyone's marriage
• Counsel couples through specific issues
• Diagnose problems
• Take sides in relationship conflicts

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"Boundaries are walls to keep people out"

Correction language: "Boundaries aren't walls — they're property lines. Walls exist in hostile territory. Property lines exist between neighbors. You can have strong boundaries and deep intimacy at the same time. In fact, you need boundaries to have real intimacy."

"Setting boundaries means I don't love them"

Correction language: "Boundaries actually serve love. They protect the love from getting infected by things that damage it. A surgeon working on someone's heart has to address problems — but they're incredibly careful not to cause additional harm. Boundaries are like that. You address issues in ways that preserve the relationship."

"If they really loved me, they'd do what I want"

Correction language: "Love doesn't eliminate difference. Real intimacy requires two people with their own preferences, opinions, and limits. If you can't say no, your yes doesn't mean anything. Love gives freely — it doesn't give in under compulsion."

"I need to check myself first means it's always my fault"

Correction language: "Looking at yourself first is wisdom, not self-blame. It means asking: Am I communicating this clearly? Am I being harsh when I could be firm? It doesn't mean you're the problem. It means you're starting where you have control."

Important note: This principle assumes a basically healthy dynamic. In abusive or controlling relationships, the issue is NOT the victim's communication style. Be attentive to participants who seem to be in those situations.

"We should share everything with each other"

Correction language: "Intimacy does require increasing transparency, but not all information needs to be shared with everyone. The question is: What's my motive? If I'm keeping something private because it's personal and doesn't affect the relationship, that's appropriate. If I'm keeping a secret to hide something that would damage the relationship, that's different."

"The goal is to avoid conflict"

Correction language: "Conflict is inevitable when two separate people share a life. The goal isn't avoiding conflict — it's handling it well. Healthy relationships aren't conflict-free; they're relationships where conflict leads somewhere productive instead of going in circles."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs That Someone May Need More Than a Small Group

• Descriptions of dynamics that sound controlling or abusive (see dynamics below)
• Chronic, escalating conflict that hasn't responded to any intervention
• One partner who refuses to engage, change, or even discuss issues
• Relationship struggles intertwined with addiction, mental health crises, or trauma
• Physical symptoms of chronic stress: exhaustion, anxiety, depression tied to the relationship
• A sense of hopelessness: "Nothing will ever change"

Indicators of Potentially Unsafe Relationships

If a participant describes any of these, pay attention:

• Fear of their partner's reaction to normal requests or boundaries
• Being isolated from friends, family, or support systems
• Partner controls finances, transportation, or communication
• Walking on eggshells to avoid "setting them off"
• Partner dismisses, mocks, or punishes their feelings or needs
• Any history of physical aggression, threats, or intimidation

Do not diagnose or label the relationship in front of the group or in front of the partner. Create an opportunity for private conversation.

How to Have That Conversation

Opening: "I appreciated what you shared today. I noticed it sounds like things have been really hard. How are you doing?"

Gentle exploration: "When you set boundaries, how does your partner usually respond?" Listen for fear, walking on eggshells, punishment.

Normalizing help: "What you're describing sounds like more than a small group can address. Have you ever considered talking to a counselor — either individually or together? Sometimes having a professional in the room makes a huge difference."

If safety is a concern: "I want to make sure you're safe. Is there anything about your relationship that feels scary or dangerous?" If yes, connect them with appropriate resources (domestic violence hotline, counselor, pastor trained in abuse dynamics).

Important: If someone is in an unsafe relationship, couples counseling is often NOT recommended — it can be used by the abusive partner to further control. Individual counseling and safety planning come first.

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Total session time: 75-90 minutes

If Time Is Short, Prioritize:

1. Keep: Teaching Summary (the concepts are foundational)
2. Keep: 4-5 Discussion Questions (choose the most relevant)
3. Adapt: Do one reflection exercise OR one scenario, not both
4. Keep: Closing with one practice assignment option

Where Things Usually Get Stuck

• Discussion question about saying no: This often brings up emotion. Allow space but watch the clock.
• Scenario discussions: Groups can spend a long time debating these. Set a time limit.
• Stories that expand: One person's share triggers another's longer story. Redirect when needed.

Leader Encouragement

This is hard content to facilitate well. You're inviting people to look at patterns they may have been avoiding for years. Some will engage immediately; others will resist. Some couples will leave closer; others will leave with work to do. That's all okay.

You don't need to have a perfect marriage to lead this conversation. You need to be someone who's willing to look at your own patterns honestly and create space for others to do the same.

If something comes up that you don't know how to handle, it's okay to say: "That's a really important question. I don't have a quick answer for that, but I think it's worth exploring — maybe with a counselor who can really dig in with you."

The most important things you do are:

1. Show up prepared
2. Create safety
3. Model honest, gracious self-reflection
4. Point people toward appropriate next steps

Trust the process. Trust the Spirit's work in people's lives. You're planting seeds. You may not see the harvest.

And take care of yourself. This content can stir up your own stuff. If something lands personally, pay attention to it. You matter too.