Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Boundaries for Parents of Teens

Purpose of This Resource

This session helps parents shift from controlling their teenagers to transferring control in a way that builds self-control. Parents will learn the Freedom = Responsibility = Love formula and practical strategies for moving from guardian/manager to consultant/coach.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session means parents leave with:

• A clear understanding of adolescence as a designed transition, not a problem
• The Freedom = Responsibility = Love framework internalized and ready to apply
• At least one specific pattern they want to change (from "you need" to transferred need)
• Hope that these years can be enjoyable, not just survivable
• Connection with other parents who understand the struggle

Your job is to create a space where parents can be honest, learn from each other, and leave with practical next steps — not to solve teenage crises or fix broken relationships in 90 minutes.

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Fear-Based Parents

What it looks like: A parent is terrified of what could happen — drugs, pregnancy, car accidents, bad relationships. Their fear drives them toward control, and they justify it by citing dangers.

How to respond: Validate the fear without validating excessive control. "Those are real concerns. And the question is: how do we prepare them to face those situations when we're not there? Control doesn't travel with them to college."

2. Parents in Active Crisis

What it looks like: A parent reveals their teen is in serious trouble — substance abuse, self-harm, legal issues, mental health crisis. They may be looking for answers the group can't provide.

How to respond: Acknowledge the weight of what they're carrying. "That's incredibly heavy. These principles still apply, but you may need more support than a group like this can provide. Would you be open to talking with a counselor who specializes in adolescent issues?" Don't let the crisis dominate the whole session, but don't dismiss it either.

3. Defensive Parents Who Think They're Doing Fine

What it looks like: A parent insists their teenager is great, their relationship is great, and they don't really have anything to work on. They may be in denial or genuinely in a good place.

How to respond: Don't argue. Ask curious questions: "What's worked well for you?" Let them contribute without requiring self-criticism. Some parents genuinely are doing well — that's worth celebrating.

4. Blame-Shifting to the Teen

What it looks like: A parent describes everything in terms of what their teenager does wrong. "My kid is just difficult. They lie. They're disrespectful." No ownership of their own patterns.

How to respond: Gently redirect to what the parent can control. "It sounds like there's a lot going on. What's one thing you could do differently this week, regardless of how your teen responds?"

5. Marriage/Co-Parenting Conflict Surfacing

What it looks like: A parent begins complaining about their spouse's parenting style. "My husband lets them get away with everything." "My wife is way too strict."

How to respond: Acknowledge the difficulty without diving into marital therapy. "It's really hard when you're not on the same page. That's worth a conversation at home — maybe using this framework. For today, let's focus on what you individually can work on."

6. Comparing Teens

What it looks like: One parent's teen is thriving (good grades, no problems), and another parent's teen is struggling. The struggling parent feels worse after comparison.

How to respond: Name the variety. "Every teen is different. Some kids are more compliant by temperament. Some push harder. The principles are the same, but the application looks different for every family."

7. Grieving the Lost Relationship

What it looks like: A parent is sad about how things have changed. "We used to be so close. Now they barely talk to me."

How to respond: Normalize it. "The relationship does change during these years. That's developmentally appropriate. It can come back — especially if you stay warm and keep showing up. This isn't necessarily permanent."

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

• Teenage horror stories: "Let's keep the focus on what we can do, not cataloging all the ways teenagers can go wrong."
• Spouse-bashing: "I hear that's frustrating. For today, let's focus on your own parenting."
• Detailed advice-giving: "Let's share our own experiences and let each person figure out what fits their family."
• Dominating voices: "Thank you for that. Let's hear from someone who hasn't shared yet."

What NOT to Force

• Sharing about their own teenage years or family of origin — offer the question, but make it optional
• Specific commitments about difficult conversations with their teen — encourage, don't pressure
• Resolution of marriage/co-parenting issues — acknowledge them, recommend private conversation

Reminder: You Are a Facilitator, Not a Counselor

Your job is to guide the conversation, not to solve every problem. When someone shares something heavy:

• Acknowledge it briefly
• Don't try to fix it
• Offer a resource if appropriate (counselor referral)
• Bring the conversation back to the group

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"This means I should let my teen do whatever they want"

Correction: "Freedom equals responsibility. If responsibility drops, freedom drops. This isn't permissive — it's structured with clear expectations and consequences."

"I should stop having any control"

Correction: "This is a gradual transfer, not an overnight abandonment. You're still involved — just shifting from manager to coach. You're still inspecting what you expect."

"If I just follow the formula, my teen will cooperate"

Correction: "Teenagers are still going to push back, test limits, and make mistakes. That's their job. The formula gives you a framework for how to respond — it doesn't eliminate the testing."

"My teen's bad behavior is my fault"

Correction: "You influence your teen, but you don't control them. They have their own agency. Your job is to create the best conditions for growth. What they do with it is partly on them."

"Fear is the same as wisdom"

Correction: "Being aware of risks is wise. Letting fear drive you toward control isn't. The question is: am I preparing my teen to handle the world, or am I trying to protect them from ever facing it?"

"Warmth means not having hard conversations"

Correction: "Warmth and truth go together. You can have hard conversations while still being warm. In fact, the warmth is what makes the hard conversations land well."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs a Parent May Need More Than a Small Group

• Teen is engaged in dangerous behaviors (suicidal ideation, substance abuse, eating disorder, self-harm)
• Teen has been involved in legal trouble
• Parent-teen relationship is severely broken (teen has run away, isn't speaking to parent, living elsewhere)
• Parent is expressing hopelessness: "I've tried everything. Nothing works."
• Parent is unable to stay calm with their teen (rage, physical altercations)
• Underlying mental health issues in parent or teen

How to Have That Conversation

Keep it warm, normalizing, and specific:

"What you're describing sounds like it's beyond what a parenting group can help with. That's not a failure — it just means you need more specialized support. A family therapist or adolescent counselor could really help you navigate this. Would you be open to some recommendations?"

Suggested Language for Referral

• "This sounds really heavy. A counselor who specializes in teens could give you tools we can't cover in a group like this."
• "Family therapy could help you and your teen communicate differently. It's not about blame — it's about finding new patterns."
• "What you're describing with your teen might need professional assessment. A good first step could be talking to your pediatrician or a child psychologist."

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Time Allocation (90-minute session)

Which Questions to Prioritize If Time Is Short

Essential questions:

• Question 3 (designed overthrow — reframing)
• Question 6 (control vs. disengagement — which do you tend toward?)
• Question 7 (where do you say "you need" most often?)
• Question 12 (application — one specific situation to redesign)

Skip if needed:

• Questions 1-2 (warm-up — can abbreviate)
• Question 8 (family of origin — important but can be optional)

Where to Expect the Conversation to Get Stuck

The specific teen conversation: A parent may want the group to help them figure out exactly what to do with their specific teen's specific problem. Redirect: "That's a great conversation to have at home. For now, let's focus on the principles you can apply."

The fear conversation: Some parents are so afraid of what could go wrong that they struggle to consider releasing control. Acknowledge the fear while redirecting to preparation: "The question is how we prepare them for the risks they'll face without us."

The "it's too late" conversation: A parent may feel they've already messed things up too badly. Offer hope: "It's not too late. Teens are resilient. Relationships can be rebuilt. Start where you are."

Leader Encouragement

Leading a group for parents of teenagers is tricky. Parents come in exhausted, worried, sometimes in crisis. The teen years feel high-stakes, and everyone has opinions about what other parents should do.

Your job is to:

• Create a safe space for honest conversation
• Keep the group on topic and moving forward
• Point people toward the principles without oversimplifying
• Know when to recommend outside support

You don't need to have raised perfect teenagers to lead this group. In fact, your own struggles — shared appropriately — may be the most helpful thing you offer.

Remember: showing up consistently, creating safety, and guiding the conversation is enough. The Holy Spirit does the real work.

Quick Reference: Key Phrases from the Teaching

Use these to redirect or reinforce:

• "Freedom = Responsibility = Love. They're always equal."
• "The goal is not to control your teen. The goal is to help them control themselves."
• "Adolescence is a designed, intentional overthrow of the government."
• "Transfer the need from your shoulders to theirs — they're the only one who can do anything about it."
• "Executive order: 'You need' shall never come out of a parent's mouth again."
• "High warmth and high expectations together. You need both."
• "Catch them doing it right. Name specific effort."
• "They're in control of their quality of life. That's what you're teaching them."