Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

Boundaries for Parents of Adult Children

Purpose of This Resource

This session helps parents navigate the challenging transition from parenting adult children to relating to them as fellow adults. Participants will learn the difference between helping and enabling, examine their own patterns of overinvolvement, and develop practical strategies for supporting adult children's independence.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session means parents leave with:

• A clear understanding of why the parenting role is supposed to end (while the relationship continues)
• The ability to distinguish helping (in service of adulthood) from enabling (in place of adulthood)
• Honest acknowledgment of their own patterns without crushing guilt or shame
• At least one practical change they want to make
• Permission to grieve the transition and hope for what's on the other side

Your job is to create a space where parents can be honest, process difficult emotions, and leave with clarity — not to solve everyone's unique family situation.

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Guilt-Driven Parents

What it looks like: A parent expresses overwhelming guilt about how they parented. "I messed up so badly. This is all my fault." They want to keep helping as compensation for past mistakes.

How to respond: Acknowledge the pain without reinforcing endless guilt. "We all have regrets. But continuing to over-help doesn't fix the past — it just prevents the future. The best thing you can do now is to help them become independent, not keep making up for what you think you did wrong."

2. Parents in Denial

What it looks like: A parent insists their 30-year-old living at home rent-free and not working is "just figuring things out" and "needs more time." They resist seeing their help as enabling.

How to respond: Ask gentle questions without arguing. "How long has this arrangement been going on? What's the plan for change? What would need to happen for you to adjust your support?" Sometimes the group's other perspectives help more than anything you say.

3. Parents of Adult Children in Crisis

What it looks like: A parent reveals their adult child is struggling with addiction, mental illness, homelessness, or severe dysfunction. They're in survival mode, not normal transition mode.

How to respond: Acknowledge this is a different category. "What you're dealing with goes beyond normal transition issues. These principles still apply, but you may need more specialized support — like Al-Anon for addiction, or a counselor who specializes in these situations." Don't let crisis dominate the whole session, but don't minimize it either.

4. Grief Surfacing

What it looks like: A parent becomes emotional when discussing the loss of the parenting role. They might cry or go quiet. This is especially common with parents whose identity was heavily tied to being needed.

How to respond: Allow the emotion. "This is real grief. The parenting chapter closing is a loss, even when the relationship continues. It's okay to feel that." Don't rush to fix or move on.

5. In-Law Resentment

What it looks like: A parent expresses frustration or hurt about how their adult child's spouse has "taken them away" or "turned them against us."

How to respond: Gently reframe around "leave and cleave." "When our kids get married, their primary loyalty is supposed to shift to their spouse. That's not a failure — it's the design. The question is how we support that new unit rather than compete with it." This may need follow-up outside the group.

6. Comparing Adult Children

What it looks like: Parents in the group have adult children at very different levels of independence. Some are thriving; some are struggling. Comparison leads to either pride or shame.

How to respond: Normalize the range. "Every adult child is different. Some need more time; some need firmer boundaries. The principles are the same, but the application varies." Redirect to what each parent can control.

7. Spouse Disagreement

What it looks like: A parent describes being at odds with their spouse about how to handle adult children. "My husband thinks I'm too soft. I think he's too harsh."

How to respond: Acknowledge the challenge without trying to solve it. "That's worth a longer conversation between the two of you — maybe with this framework as a starting point. For today, focus on what you individually are learning."

How to Keep the Group Safe

What to Redirect

• Complaining about adult children: "Let's focus on what we can do, not just what they're doing wrong."
• Detailed advice-giving: "Let's share our own experiences and let each person figure out what fits their family."
• Spouse-bashing: "That's a conversation for home. Let's focus on your own patterns here."
• Dominating voices: "Thank you for that. Let's hear from someone who hasn't shared yet."

What NOT to Force

• Specific action commitments — encourage but don't pressure
• Sharing about specific family situations — make all personal sharing optional
• Resolution of complex family dynamics — acknowledge them, but don't try to fix them in 90 minutes

Reminder: You Are a Facilitator, Not a Counselor

Your job is to guide the conversation, not to solve every family's situation. When someone shares something heavy:

• Acknowledge it briefly
• Don't try to fix it
• Offer a resource if appropriate
• Bring the conversation back to the group

Common Misinterpretations to Correct

"I should cut off my adult child completely"

Correction: "This isn't about ending the relationship — it's about changing the nature of it. You move from manager to consultant, from source to bridge. You're still involved, just differently."

"I can never help my adult child with anything"

Correction: "Helping is fine. The question is what the help is in service of. Help that builds independence is great. Help that extends dependence is enabling."

"If I stop helping, they'll fail"

Correction: "They might struggle. Struggling is how people grow. The question is: are you helping them avoid the struggle they need in order to develop?"

"My adult child's problems are all my fault"

Correction: "You've influenced them, but they're adults now with their own agency. They get to make their own choices — including good ones and bad ones. Your job isn't to feel guilty forever. It's to relate to them as adults from here."

"Leave and cleave means I lose my child"

Correction: "You don't lose them — you gain an adult relationship. Their primary loyalty shifts to their spouse, which is healthy. Your role changes from manager to extended family. That can actually be a richer relationship."

"This is easy if you do it right"

Correction: "This is hard. Letting go is hard. Watching them struggle is hard. Grieving the end of the parenting role is hard. This isn't about doing it perfectly — it's about doing it intentionally."

When to Recommend Outside Support

Signs a Parent May Need More Than a Small Group

• Adult child is in active addiction, mental health crisis, or dangerous situation
• Parent-adult child relationship is severely broken (estrangement, abuse, complete cutoff)
• Parent is expressing deep depression or hopelessness about the situation
• Parent is in denial about enabling patterns and can't hear the group's feedback
• Adult child has special needs that require ongoing guardian/manager involvement (different conversation)

How to Have That Conversation

Keep it warm, normalizing, and specific:

"What you're describing sounds like it might need more specialized support. That's not a failure — it's wisdom to know when you need different resources. Would you be open to talking with a counselor who works with these kinds of family dynamics?"

Suggested Language for Referral

• "For addiction situations, Al-Anon can be really helpful for family members — it's specifically for people loving someone with addiction."
• "A family therapist could help you and your adult child communicate differently. It's not about blame — it's about finding new patterns."
• "What you're describing with your adult child sounds like it might need professional assessment. A good first step could be talking with a counselor."

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Suggested Time Allocation (90-minute session)

Which Questions to Prioritize If Time Is Short

Essential questions:

• Question 3 (oxymoron — reaction to the core idea)
• Question 4 (helping vs. enabling distinction)
• Question 6 (personal reflection — where are you still functioning as guardian/manager/source?)
• Question 12 (application — one specific change)

Skip if needed:

• Questions 1-2 (warm-up — can abbreviate)
• Question 8 (grief — important but can be optional)

Where to Expect the Conversation to Get Stuck

The "but my situation is different" conversation: Parents may argue their adult child genuinely can't manage without them. Acknowledge the variety while still presenting the principles. "Every situation is different. And the question is still: what is your help in service of?"

The grief conversation: If grief surfaces, it may need more space than the agenda allows. Be willing to let the schedule flex if the group needs it.

The spouse disagreement conversation: This comes up frequently. Acknowledge it, but don't try to solve marital dynamics in the group. "That's worth a longer conversation at home."

Leader Encouragement

This topic touches deep places in people — identity, purpose, loss, fear, guilt, regret. Parents in this season often feel like they're losing something precious, even if they know the transition is healthy.

Your job is to:

• Create space for honest conversation
• Help parents distinguish helping from enabling
• Normalize the difficulty of this transition
• Point toward hope: the adult-to-adult relationship on the other side

You don't need to have navigated this perfectly to lead this group. In fact, your own struggles and learnings — shared appropriately — may be the most helpful thing you offer.

Remember: showing up consistently, creating safety, and guiding the conversation is enough. The Holy Spirit does the real work.

Quick Reference: Key Phrases from the Teaching

Use these to redirect or reinforce:

• "The parenting role has a shelf life. The relationship doesn't end — the role changes."
• "What is my help in service of? Building independence or extending dependence?"
• "Nobody lives here for free. Everyone contributes to receive."
• "Be a bridge to outside resources, not the only source."
• "At the wedding I say to the parents: You're fired. They leave you and cleave to each other."
• "Shift from manager to coach. You give information and support — they do the work."
• "Helping that relieves pressure they need to feel isn't really help — it's enabling."