Boundaries and Trust

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — a flinch, a recognition, a "that's me." That noticing is the beginning of change.

• Do you say yes to things and then feel resentful — but never say what you actually wanted?
• Have you stayed in a relationship long past the point where the evidence told you to leave, because you kept hoping it would get better?
• Do you find yourself exhausted after spending time with certain people — drained in a way you can't quite explain?
• When something doesn't feel right about a person or situation, do you talk yourself out of the feeling because you can't logically justify it?
• Do you judge people primarily by their intentions ("they mean well") rather than their actual behavior and follow-through?
• Have you given someone multiple chances to change, and each time they promised it would be different — but the methodology was the same?
• Do you try to trust people while still controlling everything they do — checking up, micromanaging, needing constant reassurance?
• Do you make promises to yourself (exercise, boundaries, saying no) and then consistently break them?
• When someone asks how you're doing, do you give them the answer they want rather than the truth?
• Do you avoid difficult conversations because you're afraid of how the other person will react — and then lose respect for yourself afterward?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them. Let them work on you over days, not minutes.

• If you were honest about the track record — not the intentions, not the promises, but what actually happened — what would it tell you about the relationship you're most uncertain about?
• What would change in your life if you deeply trusted yourself — not because you're perfect, but because you knew you could handle what comes?
• Who taught you about trust? Was it something that felt safe in your family, or something that got you hurt? How might those early lessons still be running the show?
• Where in your life have you been hoping something would be different without any evidence that it will be? What would it mean to finally accept that hope alone isn't enough?
• If your yes actually meant something — if people knew that when you said yes, you meant it, and when you said no, you meant that too — how would your relationships change?
• What's the street you keep walking down? The pattern, the type of person, the situation where you consistently end up in the same hole? What would a different street look like?
• When you think about trusting someone fully — opening up, being vulnerable, letting them see the real you — what does your body do? What might that physical response be telling you?
• Is there someone in your life whose intentions you trust completely but whose capacity you don't? What would it look like to love their heart and still set a boundary around their inability to follow through?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice the Yes That Means No

This week, pay attention to every time you say yes when you actually mean no, or maybe, or not now. Don't change anything — just notice. Keep a brief mental note or journal entry for each one:

• What did you agree to?
• What did you actually feel?
• Why did you say yes anyway?
• What was the cost — energy, time, resentment?

At the end of the week, look at the pattern. What triggers your automatic yes?

Week 2: Run the Five Elements

Choose one relationship where trust feels uncertain. Before your next interaction with that person, walk through the five elements in your mind: understanding, motive, capacity, character, track record. Rate each one honestly — strong, needs work, or broken. Notice if the framework helps you engage with more clarity, better questions, or healthier expectations. You're not making a verdict. You're gathering data.

Week 3: Let Your No Mean No

Pick one situation this week where you would normally say yes out of obligation, guilt, or people-pleasing — and say no instead. Don't over-explain. Don't apologize for having a preference. Just say no and let the other person have their reaction. Notice: Did they survive? Did you? What did it feel like to have your no actually mean something?

Week 4: Keep One Promise to Yourself

Make one specific, small promise to yourself and keep it. Not a vague resolution — something concrete. "I will go to bed by 10:30 on Tuesday." "I will not check my phone during dinner on Wednesday." Keep the promise. Notice what it feels like to be someone you can count on. Self-trust is built exactly like this — one kept promise at a time.

Week 5: Trust and Release

Give someone responsibility for something and resist the urge to control the outcome. Don't check up. Don't micromanage. Don't hover. Let them do it their way, even if it's not how you'd do it. Notice the anxiety that rises — and notice that you survive it. This is what matching trust to freedom actually feels like.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Promising Apology

Your brother borrowed money two years ago and never paid it back. He avoided the subject, changed it when you brought it up, and eventually got defensive. Now he's come to you and said he's sorry — he knows he was wrong, and he wants to make it right. He's asking if you'll lend him money again for a different situation. He says this time is different.

What would you do? What do the five elements tell you here? What would "yellow light" look like — staying engaged without being fully exposed?

Scenario 2: The Good-Hearted Flake

You have a friend who is one of the kindest, most well-intentioned people you know. She genuinely cares about you. She also cancels plans 50% of the time, forgets commitments, and regularly overextends herself. You've stopped counting on her for anything important — but you feel guilty about it because she's so sincere. She just asked to be part of a project that matters a lot to you.

What's the difference between trusting someone's motives and trusting their capacity? What would an honest conversation sound like — one that honors the friendship without ignoring the pattern?

Scenario 3: The Gut Feeling

You've been dating someone for four months. On paper, everything is right — kind, shared values, consistent, your friends approve. But something doesn't feel right and you can't name it. Nothing bad has happened. When you mention the feeling to a friend, they say, "You're just scared because of what happened last time. Stop overthinking it."

Should you trust the feeling? How could you investigate it without either dismissing it or becoming paranoid? What's the difference between intuition informed by wisdom and fear wearing an intuition costume?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Write about a time you trusted someone and it went well. What did that person do that earned your trust? What did you do that allowed you to open up? What can you learn from that experience about what healthy trust looks like for you?

• Think about who taught you about trust — your earliest experiences. Was trust something that felt safe in your family, or something that got you hurt? How might those early lessons still be shaping how you evaluate people today?

Looking Inward

• If you were to think about yourself as someone you're in relationship with — how trustworthy have you been to yourself? Have you kept your promises? Have you listened to your own gut? Or have you been the kind of person who regularly lets yourself down?

• Complete this sentence and keep writing: "The pattern I've finally started to see is..." Follow wherever it leads. You may be surprised.

Looking Forward

• Describe the version of yourself who trusts well. What does that person do differently than you do now? How do they evaluate relationships? How do they respond when trust is broken? How do they treat themselves? Write about this version of yourself as if they already exist.

• What's one relationship where you've been stuck at a yellow light — not sure whether to move toward green or red? What specific evidence would you need to see in order to move toward clarity? What would it look like to tell the other person what you need?