Boundaries and Sexual Intimacy

Leader-Only Facilitation Notes

This resource is for leaders only and should not be distributed to group members. Please read thoroughly before facilitating any session on this topic.

Before You Begin: Is This the Right Setting?

This content is NOT appropriate for every group. Before deciding to use it, consider:

This Content IS Appropriate For:

• Married couples small groups (both spouses present)
• Marriage retreats or intensives
• Gender-specific marriage discussion groups (married women discussing together, married men discussing together)
• Pastoral counseling with a couple
• Marriage preparation (engaged couples)

This Content Is NOT Appropriate For:

• General mixed small groups
• Groups that include unmarried individuals in romantic relationships
• Youth or young adult groups
• Groups where you don't know participants' histories
• Settings without appropriate confidentiality expectations
• Any setting where you feel unprepared to handle what might come up

If you're uncertain, err on the side of caution. This content will do more harm than good in the wrong context.

Purpose of This Resource

This session helps married couples understand how healthy boundaries create the conditions for genuine sexual intimacy. It addresses why disconnection happens, how freedom enables desire, and why honest communication matters.

What Success Looks Like

A successful session:

• Gives couples language and concepts for private conversation
• Creates awareness without inappropriate disclosure
• Normalizes struggles without creating shame
• Points those who need more support toward professional help
• Leaves participants feeling hopeful, not exposed

Success is NOT:

• Solving anyone's sexual problems in a group setting
• Getting couples to share personal details about their intimacy
• Diagnosing anyone's issues
• Playing therapist

Your Role and Its Limits

You Are:

• A facilitator creating safe space for reflection
• A guide helping people engage with concepts
• A pointer toward resources and professional support
• A normalizer of struggle

You Are NOT:

• A sex therapist
• A counselor treating trauma
• A diagnostician identifying dysfunction
• A fixer of marriages

Critical principle: Your job is to open doors, not to walk couples through them. The actual work happens privately — between spouses, with a counselor, with God. Your role is to provide concepts, language, and permission. Nothing more.

Creating Safety

Before the Session

1. Communicate clearly what the session will cover. Don't surprise people. Let them know in advance that this session addresses sexuality and intimacy so they can prepare emotionally or opt out if needed.

2. Establish that only married couples should attend. This isn't appropriate for dating couples, singles, or anyone in between.

3. Have professional referrals ready. Know the names of at least 2-3 counselors in your area who work with couples on sexual and intimacy issues. You may need to offer these.

During the Session

1. Read the framing section aloud. Don't skip it. It establishes crucial boundaries about what will and won't be shared.

2. Reinforce repeatedly: we're discussing principles, not personal details. If someone starts sharing specifics, gently redirect: "Thank you for your vulnerability. That sounds like something really important to explore with your spouse or a counselor. For our purposes here, let's stay at the principle level."

3. Watch body language. Some people will become emotional, shut down, or look distressed. Check in during breaks if you notice this.

4. Create multiple ways to engage. Not everyone will speak. The couple reflection exercises let people process without public sharing.

Group Dynamics to Watch For

1. Too Much Detail

What it looks like: Someone starts sharing specific information about their sexual relationship — what they do, don't do, struggle with physically.

What to do: Gently but quickly redirect. "I appreciate your openness. That sounds like really important territory for you and your spouse to explore together. Let's keep our group conversation at the concept level so everyone can engage comfortably."

2. One Spouse Exposing the Other

What it looks like: One partner shares something that seems to embarrass, expose, or blame the other. The spouse looks uncomfortable, surprised, or upset.

What to do: Don't let it continue. "Let's be careful not to put our spouses on the spot. These are things to work out together privately. [Redirect to the next question or concept.]"

3. Nervous Laughter or Jokes

What it looks like: The room gets uncomfortable and someone cracks a joke. Others laugh nervously.

What to do: This is often healthy — it releases tension. You don't need to stop it, but do return to substance. "It's okay to laugh — this is awkward territory for most of us. And it's also important. Let's stay with it a little longer."

4. Someone Shuts Down

What it looks like: A participant becomes quiet, looks distressed, checks out, or leaves the room.

What to do: Don't call them out publicly. If they leave, have a co-leader check on them. At a break, you or another leader can quietly ask: "I noticed this session seemed hard. Is there anything you need?" Be prepared to offer a counselor referral.

5. Disclosure of Trauma

What it looks like: Someone shares (either to the group or privately to you) that they've experienced sexual abuse, assault, or ongoing coercion.

What to do: See detailed guidance below under "Handling Disclosures of Trauma."

6. Couple in Visible Conflict

What it looks like: Two spouses are clearly angry at each other — glaring, sighing, arguing under their breath.

What to do: Don't address it publicly. At a break, you might say: "I noticed some tension. Would it help to step outside for a few minutes? We can catch you up." Consider following up after the session.

Handling Disclosures of Trauma

This session may surface painful histories. Here's how to respond.

If Someone Shares in the Group

Don't allow the group to become a processing space for trauma. Respond with compassion but redirect:

"Thank you for trusting us with that. What you've experienced is significant, and it makes sense that it's affecting your marriage. That's exactly the kind of thing that a counselor can really help with — not because anything is wrong with you, but because you deserve support that goes deeper than we can offer here. Can I share some resources with you after the session?"

If Someone Shares Privately (During a Break or After)

Listen without probing for details. Express compassion. Point toward professional support.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for telling me. What you've experienced is serious, and I want you to get the support you deserve. Have you ever talked to a counselor about this? I know some really good ones who specialize in this area. Can I give you their information?"

What NOT to Do

• Don't probe for details
• Don't try to counsel them through it
• Don't offer quick spiritual fixes ("Just pray about it," "Give it to God")
• Don't minimize ("A lot of people have been through that")
• Don't promise to keep it secret if safety is a concern

If There's a Current Safety Concern

If someone discloses ongoing sexual coercion, abuse, or danger, the situation is different. They may need more than a counselor referral.

Questions to assess (asked privately):

• "Are you safe right now?"
• "Does anything about your situation feel dangerous?"
• "Would it help to talk to someone who specializes in this?"

If there's immediate danger, help them connect with appropriate resources (domestic violence hotline, pastor with training, etc.). Don't promise confidentiality if someone's safety is at risk.

Common Misunderstandings to Address

"Marriage means you have to say yes to sex"

Correction language: "Marriage creates a beautiful context for sexual intimacy, but it doesn't eliminate personal freedom. Healthy sexuality requires willing participation from both partners. The goal is two people freely giving themselves to each other — not one person obligated to perform."

"If my spouse loved me, they'd want sex more"

Correction language: "Differences in desire are nearly universal. They don't mean someone doesn't love you. Desire is affected by many factors — stress, health, relationship patterns, history, hormones. Different desire is something to understand together, not a verdict on love."

"Something is wrong with me if my body doesn't respond"

Correction language: "Bodies are complex. Sexual response is affected by many things — physical, emotional, relational, historical. Difficulty doesn't mean something is 'wrong' with you. It's information worth understanding. Many people find that addressing underlying factors makes a significant difference."

"We shouldn't need help — this should come naturally"

Correction language: "Actually, learning to communicate well about sex is a skill. And when there are historical or relational complexities, professional support can be incredibly helpful. Seeing a counselor isn't failure — it's choosing to invest in your marriage."

"Spiritual people don't have these problems"

Correction language: "Sexuality is part of being human. Spiritual maturity doesn't bypass physical or emotional realities. The most spiritually mature response might be acknowledging struggle and getting appropriate help, not pretending everything is fine."

When to Recommend Professional Support

Suggest professional help when:

• Either partner has experienced sexual trauma (abuse, assault, coercion)
• There's persistent dysfunction that isn't resolving
• One partner feels unsafe, pressured, or controlled
• The couple can't discuss sexuality without conflict
• Shame is overwhelming and blocking growth
• There's significant mismatch in desire creating ongoing tension
• Anything you're hearing makes you think, "This is beyond what I can help with"

How to Make the Referral

Normalize: "This is really common, and there are people who specialize in exactly this."

Offer hope: "Couples who get professional support often make breakthroughs they couldn't reach on their own."

Be specific: "I know a counselor named [Name] who works with couples on exactly this kind of thing. Can I share their contact information?"

Follow up: Check in a week later to see if they reached out.

Timing and Pacing Guidance

Total session time: 60-75 minutes

If Time Is Short

1. Keep: Framing section (essential for safety)
2. Keep: Core teaching summary (abbreviated)
3. Keep: 2-3 discussion questions
4. Adapt: Give couple reflection as homework
5. Keep: Closing with professional support mention

Where Things Usually Slow Down

• Discussion questions about communication: People have feelings about why they can't talk about this
• Any question touching on desire differences: This hits close to home for many
• Trauma content: If someone surfaces history, it may need space

Taking Care of Yourself

Facilitating content about sexuality and intimacy can surface your own stuff. That's normal.

Before the Session

• Check in with yourself: Is there anything in my own history or marriage that will make this hard to lead neutrally?
• If you're struggling significantly in this area, consider having a co-leader take point.

During the Session

• If something triggers you, take a breath. You don't need to process your own feelings in front of the group.
• It's okay to acknowledge that this is tender territory for everyone, including you.

After the Session

• Debrief with a co-leader or spouse.
• If something surfaced for you personally, consider whether you need support.
• Remember: You don't carry the weight of every person's marriage. You opened a door. What happens next is between them, their spouse, their counselor, and God.

Final Encouragement

This is hard content to lead well. You're inviting people into one of the most vulnerable areas of human experience — in a church setting, no less. That takes courage.

You don't need to have a perfect marriage to lead this. You need to be honest, humble, and clear about your limits. You need to create safety and point toward hope.

Trust that the Spirit can use imperfect words to do perfect work. Your job isn't to fix anyone. It's to facilitate a conversation and trust God with the results.

And take care of yourself. You matter too.