Boundaries and Grace

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — a flinch, a memory, a name that comes to mind.

• Do you regularly tolerate behavior from someone that you know is destructive — to them or to you — because you tell yourself it's the "gracious" thing to do?
• Have you been "holding someone accountable" for months or years without anything actually changing?
• Do you avoid difficult conversations by telling yourself you're "keeping the peace" or "giving them grace"?
• When someone you love is struggling, is your instinct to remove consequences rather than let them experience results?
• Have you ever been accused of being "too nice" while privately feeling resentful or exhausted?
• Do you feel guilty when you set a limit — like you're being un-Christlike or unloving?
• When you do confront someone, does it tend to come out harsh or explosive because you've waited too long?
• Do you find it easier to accept others unconditionally than to state what you actually need?
• Have you confused "not being angry at someone" with "not addressing the problem"?
• Is there someone in your life whose behavior keeps getting worse while you keep "giving them grace"?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them.

• Where in your life have you been calling your avoidance "grace"? What has that cost you — and what has it cost the person you think you're protecting?
• What messages did you absorb growing up — from family, faith, or culture — about what it means to be loving? Did those messages include the possibility of having limits?
• Think about a time someone confronted you and it landed well — you felt accepted even as you were challenged. What made that possible? What was different about their approach?
• If you believed that setting a boundary could be the most loving thing you do this week, what would you do differently? What conversation would you have?
• Where are you naturally inclined to land: all warmth (avoiding conflict, letting things slide) or all expectations (pushing, correcting, criticizing)? What's missing from your default?
• Is there someone you've been "holding accountable" the way the board chairman held the CEO accountable — repeating the standard without providing any actual help? What "unmerited favor" might they actually need?
• What are you afraid will happen if you start being more honest in your relationships?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice Your Silence

This week, pay attention to moments when something bothers you and you choose not to say anything. Don't change anything — just notice. At the end of each day, write down: What was the situation? What did I tell myself about why I didn't speak up? Was it truly grace — or was it fear, avoidance, or exhaustion?

Week 2: Practice Both Halves

Identify one low-stakes situation where you've been silent about something that matters. This week, speak up — briefly, calmly, and without over-explaining. Use both halves: "I care about you / our relationship, and that's why I want to share something." + "When [specific behavior happens], I feel [honest reaction]. What I'd appreciate going forward is [specific request]." Notice how it feels. Notice that you survive it.

Week 3: Replace Accountability with Grace

Think of someone you've been "holding accountable" without seeing change. Instead of repeating the standard one more time, ask: What does this person need that they can't produce for themselves? Support? Structure? Someone to walk alongside them — literally? This week, offer one form of unmerited favor instead of one more reminder of the expectation.

Week 4: The Full Integration

Have a conversation you've been avoiding — one where both grace and truth are needed. Before you go in, write out both parts: the acceptance ("I'm for you, I don't condemn you, I love you") and the expectation ("This behavior isn't okay, and here's what I need to see change"). Deliver both. Don't sacrifice one for the other.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Basement Son

Your adult son lost his job six months ago and has been living in your basement, sleeping until noon, playing video games, and making no effort to find work. When you tried to bring it up, he said you weren't being "supportive" and you were "kicking him when he's down." Your spouse keeps saying to "give him grace — he's going through a hard time."

What would "sick love" look like here? What would healthy love look like? What expectation would be reasonable — and what unmerited favor might he actually need?

Scenario 2: The Drinking Friend

Your close friend has been drinking heavily since her divorce two years ago. At first it seemed understandable. Now it's every night, and you've started making excuses to avoid seeing her. You've told yourself you're "being supportive" and "not judging." But her life is getting smaller — fewer friends, more isolation, worse health.

What is your silence actually communicating? What would a Galatians 6 approach look like — going to her "in a spirit of humility and gentleness"? What would both grace and truth sound like in that conversation?

Scenario 3: The Accountable Leader

You're on the board of a small organization. The director is clearly overwhelmed — missing deadlines, making poor decisions, losing staff. The board's response for the past year has been to "hold him accountable" by reviewing his numbers each quarter and expressing disappointment. Nothing is changing.

What's missing from this picture? What "unmerited favor" might the director need — coaching, training, support, reduced scope? How is "holding him accountable" without providing grace actually failing him?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Write about a time someone set a boundary with you that initially felt harsh but turned out to be an act of love. What happened? What did you learn? How did you feel about that person after?

• Think about the messages you received about grace, love, and boundaries growing up. Were they accurate? Which ones are you still carrying that might need to be updated?

Looking Inward

• Where are you right now on the warmth/expectations grid in your most important relationship? Rate each on a scale of 1-10. If both are high, what sustains that? If one is low, what would need to shift?

• Is there a relationship where you've been setting boundaries without grace — where your approach has been cold, harsh, or self-righteous? What would it look like to keep the limit but change the posture?

Looking Forward

• Describe the version of yourself who holds grace and boundaries together naturally. What does that person look like in a difficult conversation? How do they feel inside? What's different about their posture?

• Write a letter you'll never send — to someone you've enabled, or to someone you've been harsh with. What would you want them to know about why you did what you did? What would you want them to know about what you're learning?

• Finish this sentence and keep writing: The thing I'm most afraid of if I start being more honest in my relationships is...