Addressing Spiritual Abuse

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a diagnostic — they're a mirror. Just notice your internal response.

• Do you feel worse about yourself after attending your spiritual community, not better?
• Do you find yourself editing what you say or believe to avoid being corrected, labeled, or excluded?
• Have you been told you have a "critical spirit," a "rebellious heart," or a "lack of submission" when you raised a concern?
• Do you feel like you need permission from a leader for ordinary life decisions — who to date, where to work, how to spend your money?
• Have you stopped trusting your own perceptions because someone in spiritual authority told you your instincts were wrong or "from the enemy"?
• Do you carry a low-level dread about attending services, meetings, or events — even though you can't quite name why?
• Have you noticed that your friendships outside the community have shrunk, not because you chose that but because the culture discourages outside relationships?
• When someone in your community struggles or fails, do they get compassion — or do they get distance, correction, or shame?
• Do you find yourself defending your community to outsiders while privately feeling uneasy about it?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Let them work on you over time.

• What first made you sense something was "off" — and what did you do with that awareness when it first surfaced?
• What messages did you internalize about your own worth, your ability to hear from God, or your right to make decisions? Which of those messages do you still carry?
• If you could separate God from the people who represented Him to you, what would be different about your faith?
• What did you lose? Relationships, community, identity, trust, time — name it honestly without minimizing.
• What do you wish someone in spiritual leadership would say to you — not because they ever will, but because naming it reveals what acknowledgment would mean?
• Where do you currently feel stuck — anger, grief, doubt, fear of trusting again, confusion about what's true? Can you name it without judging yourself for it?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice. This week, pay attention every time you feel the need for "permission" in areas of your life — what you read, who you spend time with, what you believe, how you spend your time or money. Don't change anything yet. Just notice. Ask yourself each time: Is this coming from healthy self-reflection, or was it installed by an external system? Keep a brief log of what you observe.

Week 2: Try. Share one thing about your spiritual experience — past or present — with someone who is not part of that environment. A friend, a counselor, a family member outside the community. Notice what it feels like to describe your experience to someone with no investment in it. Pay attention to what feels hard to explain or justify, and whether their perspective helps you see anything differently.

Week 3: Stretch. Raise one question or concern with someone in your spiritual community — something you've been sitting on. It doesn't have to be confrontational. It can be mild. The point isn't the outcome — it's observing the response. Does the person engage thoughtfully? Get defensive? Make you feel guilty for asking? What you learn from the response tells you something important about the environment.

Week 4: Build. Identify one area of your life where you've been deferring to a leader or system for decisions that are yours to make. Make one decision in that area on your own — without asking permission, without checking if it's okay. Notice what feelings come up: guilt, freedom, anxiety, relief. All of those feelings are information.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Critical Spirit

Your friend has been part of the same church for eight years. She's started asking questions about how the leadership handles finances and about a pattern she's noticed where people who raise concerns quietly disappear from the community. When she mentioned her questions to her small group leader, she was told she had a "critical spirit" and was encouraged to pray about her attitude. She comes to you confused, wondering if she's the problem.

What would you say to her? What markers do you recognize? What do you notice about your own instinct — do you want to defend the church, validate her, or something else?

Scenario 2: The Grace Gap

A man in your group admits that he's been attending his church for three years but has never told anyone about his past addiction. He says the church talks about grace constantly, but he's watched what happens when someone admits a real struggle — the distance, the spiritual advice, the subtle shift in how they're treated. He's convinced that if he's honest, he'll be seen differently. He's doing well now but feels like he's living a double life.

What does this situation reveal about the environment — even if nothing explicitly abusive has happened? What's the difference between a community that talks about grace and one that practices it?

Scenario 3: The Family Bind

A woman was raised in a tight-knit religious community. Her entire extended family is still deeply involved. Over the past few years, she's come to see the community as controlling — heavy on compliance, light on freedom, closed to outside perspectives. She wants to leave, but she knows it will create a rift with her family. They've already started making comments about her "drifting" and questioning her commitment to God. She feels trapped between her own health and her family relationships.

What makes this so complicated? How do freedom and closed systems apply here? What would you want her to know?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• Write about the moment you first sensed something wasn't right in your spiritual environment. What happened? What did you do with that awareness? What do you wish you'd known then?

• What messages did you absorb — not just what was explicitly taught, but what you internalized — about what happens when you fail, when you question, when you want something different from the group?

Looking Inward

• How has your experience affected your relationship with God — not your beliefs about God, but your actual experience of Him? Are you distant? Angry? Suspicious? Longing? Numb?

• What do you wish someone would tell you right now — not as a platitude, but as truth you actually need to hear?

Looking Forward

• Describe the version of yourself that exists on the other side of healing. What do they believe? How do they relate to faith and community? What are they free from? What are they free for?

• What would it take for you to trust a spiritual community again? Be specific — what would you need to see, hear, or experience? What would the community need to be like?